Like chasing butterflies, the wind catches and swirls, keeping them ever out of hand. Envy... envy of the ones whose dream have woke and caught the wind. I want to be that beautiful, I want to fly, to but grasp a fleeting moment on the wind.
....
Reflections in a Mirror: I wrote that kinda on the spot when I talked to my sister the other day. We haven't spoken in what seems like years, and actually could be years. Some aspect of me doesn't thrive on the things normal humans require. Friends and Family, sometimes they feel like a yoke and collar, or binding and constricting chains. Obligations, duties, false faces, and forced smiles. I hurt somewhere inside, broken and shattered a thousand times a thousand, in ways that warp and twist, and bend and break, mangle and dangle, this puppet that I have become.
I think at times, if I were like everyone else, I would be satisfied with my life, as I build it brick by brick to be stable, secure, relaxed, comfy. I have a wife, who loves me, and to whom I am addicted to, but on any given day, I can't decide if I love or hate her. *Chuckles* I like to say that I always love you, I just am not sure if I like you today. Our past is so sordid, and speckled, that there is tremendous energy there, laughter and tears, that drive the madman to spin around in circles as the mirrors that reflect back at him, his own agony, burst and tear the flesh in pennance. Longing so deep, and true, that magic could happen, were that the longing fulfilled, and I not always left starving on the streets begging for a drop of my heroine. Like some junkie, strung out and strung along, with this perfect life, this perfect lie that one day, everything will be better.
Were that the laughter in these tears not so bitter, not so mocking. Were that the tears sweet and savory, of longing fulfilled, like the day your love comes back to you after a long long absence, and you so filled with joy you burst for the taste of it.
Dreams, of vapor trails, dreams of vapor. Let us take a huff and see where this trip will take us.
I am feeling very nihilistic at the moment.
Life: So, school is going well, end of my second semester this week, in all 5 classes I have taken thus far, I have gotten 95 percent or better, the equivalent of a 4.0 I think. Kids are sparking alot of tension between each other, and it seems to be wearing on everyone in the house. My youngest and my wife and her lover's child are butting heads frequently. The age gap only being 2 years apart at 1 and 3. Everyone's patience seems thin as a wire, and I try to keep the peace and run interference, but I have been so tapped by school, that that becomes rather difficult, so I just let things run their course, and will try to pick up the pieces as they fall to the way side and repair them when needed. In the grand scheme of things, I only wanted one child of my own, and to raise two, for precisely this reason. Not every child is getting the individualized attention they deserve, and need to properly flourish, and it is the best that can be done just to put out the fires of sibling rivalries as they all vie for a limited resource, time. I am the backbone of this family, this relationship, I need to remain strong and steadfast, and keep it together in order to lay the bricks and see us through to the other side. Really wish life came with a blueprint. "My teachers asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I replied to them that I wanted to be happy. The question was for an assignment, and they told me I didn't understand the assignment. I looked them dead in the eye and told them, they didn't understand life." We all want something, some idealized perfection of only if.... it is our personal deamon that plagues us and that we have to strive to balance, else it threaten to not only to suck all the joy out of our life in an endless pursuit of transitory joy and pleasure, but blind us toward contentment in the here in now. But how much is too much, and how much is not enough. If you don't play the balance just right, you threaten to live your life for others to the point that you are a shallow husk of a person, a puppet that dances the the strings they tug. You have to at the very least see to your most basic of basics, and that is where I feel like I am failing. Seeing to my most basic of basics. I keep falling back to the same self destructive line of thought, were that I on my own, not being the backbone, not bearing the burden of all this, I would thrive, I would flourish, I would bloom and blossom. Because in the end, I am not the architect of my life right now, everyone else is. My wife is her own person, to the point that she is selfish and stubborn, but blind, thinking herself caring and thoughtful. Yet, day in and day out, she mostly tunes out the kids, me, and life; lost in her own depression of unfulfilled dreams and expectations, dousing herself in fuel and lighting herself on fire as she burns from within out of self importance, vindictiveness, and spite. The type of person, that were you to slight her, she wouldn't accept your piss should it put out the flames, rather content to burn to death slowly. In short, wholly and truly Stupid, with a capital S. Letting irrational thoughts guide almost every aspect of her life, and in the process mine as well. She can't curb her spending habits, nor make any actual sound decisions in regards to moving towards her own goals, let alone mine. Constantly the epitome of what it means to be your own roadblock, standing in your own way. She is nought but praise and thanks for me and the stability and control I bring to her life. The love I bring into her life, and constantly full of doubt as to if she brings anything of value to mine. Her and her Lover both, doubt any value they contribute toward me, and he has even said that he sees no reason why I stay, no reason other than love.
Heroine. This is the ebb and flow that my life revolves around now. So many poems I have written about us, my life a sad tragedy doomed to play itself out until my world is red from tears shed so often I only have blood left to spill. Begging her to wake up, just for a moment, to give me a glimpse of what I want, what I need, what we had, for a moment. It comes and it goes, the ebb and flow, life is spectacular and bright, but for a moment. A glimpse, a taste, that keeps me strung. Hooked, and left begging for that to be the tempo, the melody I dance to. "When it's good, it's really fucking amazing." A line similar to one I wrote in a poem about us once. I fell like Icarus trying to touch the sun at times. Will I fly so high? Strung out on vapors, failing to see the cliff I walk off of? Will my fall be as spectacular? Did you know that from that height? The Fall? My Fall? Will be like hitting pavement, and the very skin will be ripped from my body, my bones will be broken, and I will become one with the ocean as my body vaporizes and spreads to the furthest parts of it, gnawed on by fish, and excreted. Just for daring to fly, just for reaching too high, for being addicted... to this.
*Sigh*
The kids, Duty, Honor, Obligation, my pledge to see things worked through, an honest attempt, an honest effort. The metal bands with an ornate gem once one of the hardest substances known to man, a pledge of fealty. Hardness, to endure, a circle to bind me. Madness, Laughter, and tears, to slowly rip me apart. My heroine.
Comments (4)
I feel that I will never understand how you continually put yourself in this situation. How do you even wake up in the morning and go do what needs to be done? I know that I would probably end up responding more the way your wife does, and that's disheartening because from my perspective, I hate that kind of person because that kind of person reminds me of my mother--who I said I would never be, and yet have become entirely. Anyway, I know this comment is of no help. Sorry, for everything. Take care.
@MyHomeIsWriting - So how are you being affected by the current climate of Xanga 2.0. I have you on facebook, so not that worried about loosing contact, but then again, I also don't post to facebook anything of meaning or value do I. *Grins*
@silveranstavern - I'm really not on Xanga anymore. I check in every so often to leave comments if I read something, but I'm not posting here anymore. There's no reason to. I'm not really writing either.
I'm curious if you'll join me in the let's gimme a break. cllub of self-congratulatory.....if necessary... realizations that perspective takes the same facts and roses them up or craps athem brown for us and that today it's time for rosiness ...it's plenty poopy feeling
.every day you are the backbone of your relationship is one more day you succeed in something I do not have and value. if i were a better person I'd acknowledge the price you pay to have what you do....but who am i lying to? you? the world? I can most are easily fooled. but i don't feel like it. honesty counts. you have something not that i mean exactly who you have lol but the situation someone to come home to. this leaves me open to the criticism that I may not know what it indeed costs yet i just heard/read about it. just please note that truth you have something generally valued.I just reurned from work which if you haven't kept up with my little spinners I managed a job and I'm seventy some days in maybe eighty didn't count a few days after this pay week I'm ninety days employed. I did manage a real date complete from beginning to end again first time in many years. a local gal reasonably in my agebrackets. I obtained in the night somewhere the ten years plus effort to raie my credit score 200 something points it is of course back down again as I've used this power some and I'm very close to meeting my internet chase of over two years who must come internationally. I even hopped a plain risking a poor week to visit nyc and a friend from internationally in nyc. I'm getting the big seperate space of my home since sis is leaving thus the cook can clean his own mess and i have my own space woot. please note that the above is both luck and work/costs and no longer am I waiting with no end day in sight in some real ways my dreams ARE coming true.so ask me if I wish to spoil my dreams being ungrateful for them by demanding greediness without giving via the relationships I have little smiles going in. ? I can play shuffle board or horseshoes and even chit chat with the one not angle only for a motel gimme and then get lost. I don't have to expect a wife of my long standing international chase but simply coffee and good company maybe some high romance hand holding *said a bit of amocking sarcasm even in reality oo that actually does sound fun and uplifting) I know enough of my job that it's one cross situation and poof it disappears faster than a fart in the breaze... but each check can still build steps closer to my desires can't it? I have added to my collection of sights which is still is a joy to have gone 
...which reminds me to get out a gift box soon as an additional thank you to those without whom it wouldn't have been any joy at all. but more so than the work is the perspective to be glad also excited yet still centered some in that it just flows 
it isn't anything really to blame my visitors that I have a poorer week this week but to share now more so than ever and show that when it counts I still am a host/friend and semi intelligent not worried and whiney... your issues as you yourself are different of course you may just be drained or even hurt as you stalwartly do the responsiblity thing stealling from your soul but perhaps the point i'm after here isyou could try to see it as if it wouldn't get done otherwise and you can do this what a true gift that can be to be useful and needed ... what a cost that can be but what a value to me or yourself that also can be to be aware of that side of love to others but also to your own self that you could and did it ooof break time! even if that's over painting the gift of the icewater from the fridge because jamaica's out as we're paying it's equivvalent off from all this shopping! oi heheheh
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