Our lives, our past, is a thread from the tapestry that we are woven from, the roots we have grown from. Many times we may discover parts of our past we may be ashamed of, afraid of, or perhaps even angered by; but ultimately all of it is what made us who we are. It is to us then, to look upon our past with the unflinching eye and draw from it inspiration and strength, regardless of the trials and tribulations found there. For every moment is a moment to learn more, grow more, and in the end, become more. We are evolutionary in nature, ever changing, and dynamic; but just as we can draw upon the past for strength, so too, can we allow it to become our weakness. The choice, then, is in recognizing the fact that it is a choice, and you are ultimately the driver of your own life's story.

But every story needs a starting place though, a beginning. Allow me if you will to paint for you, mine; a setting of the stage of sorts, a framing of reference. I have had my own malady playing for me its tune of discord for most of my life; the violence of that night, the night of my first memory, seems only fitting. It was to set the tone for the rest of my childhood. The first cord of discord to play for me was of the shouts and shatters in the other room, as my mother and father screamed and threw things at one another. I think I was three years old at the time, if not a little closer to four. Even the sky shed its tears that night and did violence, as the peals of thunder and flashes of lightning broke through the arguments in the other room. The lights had gone out, and my brother and sister and I all lay huddled in bed, terrified of the night, the darkness, the yelling, the lightning. But, you know, I don’t remember any tears or crying. We must have been so used to it by then. Our parents didn’t survive as a couple much longer, instead becoming two entities separate and distinct; divorced.

Malady, Melody; Violence, pain, suffering. I have often used those words when I have talked about my life. As if the melody that plays in my background, that song that plays for us its sweetest of notes, leaves a bittersweet taste on my mouth, and a memory that stays with me to this day reminds me of the theme that was always present in my life: Shink, the sound of glass just as it breaks splices the air, and in its wake the silence is deafening. My brother and I had been playing, roughhousing, and he accidently broke the window in our bedroom. It was as if everything in the room had caught its breath at once, waiting, knowing what was coming, as it had come hundreds of times before. The door burst open and my father filled it, looking as if anger turned flesh. The haze of so long, so often, sinks in, and your words blur. I don’t remember what you said that day. I do remember your use of good ole fashioned ‘round and ‘round though; as your large meaty hands grab onto my hair and lift me to standing, and the swinging of your board; an inch thick, and carved with hearts to show your “love” for me. I remember that though, I remember it brought back and forth until you swung it so hard, so often, that it broke upon me. I was going to learn… I was… going to learn. The sobs, the tears, as you reached for your belt, leather this time; the slap of it across my back with your firm grip on my hair holding me up; over, and over again until you were tired, and I? I was reduced to laughter over the absurdity of it all. That must have been a trip, to have me laughing after you just beat me, couldn’t have that could we? I remember, the metal belt coming out that day, chain linked and heavy...

When I look back on those times, those memories; I am still grateful. I mean, I was still luckier than most, at least I had a roof over my head and food in my belly, at least I was never sent to the hospital. Many people who grow up in violent homes, in turn lead violent lives; and it could have gone so much different for me. I am one of the least violent people I know, and I have used my past as a sort of mirror often; one to reflect upon, providing me with that sense of perspective I need to make sure that I am better for it. I whole heartedly believe, that were it not for my speckled past, were it not for my patron muse playing her sickly sweet maladies for me. I would not have been able to become who I am today; it was that mixture of just right that forced me to one day face my own anger, and tame it. It was that mixture of just right that I needed it to be, in order to become who I am.

I have seen it before, how the anger or hatred can take root in a person, ever so slowly consuming them. It is as if they think struggling against their past will change things somehow. Unable to bare the burdens of their memories, I have seen people bury themselves in drink; “lost ‘n de sauce” they called it. Well they called it that for as long as they could still be coherent anyway; until they had drunk themselves so senseless they didn’t have to remember anymore, choosing to pass life by in an endless haze of drugs and alcohol instead. I have seen it fracture and break the mind of others, sacrificing their own sanity in order to cope with the burdens that weigh upon them. I have met my fair share of these people, the broken, the ones mutilated by society and discarded. Very few ever find a way to claw their way out once they start spiraling downward. My brother was like this. He turns twenty nine on his next birthday, and he has spent more time in one detention center or another; from juvie, to jail, to prison; than he has out of it. And, unfortunately, my sister has not fared much better either; managing to stay mostly clear of jail except for drug use and illegal prostitution. It’s safe to say, that in my family, I am the black sheep; and in this case that is a good thing.

We all find our individual methods of coping eventually, with the daemons of our past, even if that way is self-destructive in nature. Mother, father, brother, sister; all caught in that downward spiral; so… how did I manage; how did I manage to be the one to claw my way free? I mean, I had the same past as my brother and sister. Moving every year, sometimes twice a year, as my father dodged both my mother and the law; causing us to be perpetually the new kids, always outsiders. We had the same family outings, as father took us to the various city dumpsters to dig for cans; to provide him with the spare change he needed for booze and drugs, those sweet nectars food stamps would not buy. We shared the same events, the same experiences, when we lived with my father. The only difference being that I happened to take my turn more often for being the eldest. So how did we turn out so differently?

I went through a sort of metamorphosis in my youth; I was just as bad as my brother and sister ever were, as we drifted from one bad place to the next. I too was violent and ruthless, a caustic reaction to the many bullies one faces always being an outsider, contained only because of the lack of numbers to support me. There was one event however, that finally woke me up. My mother, though she had her own failings, and the men she allowed into our lives were often times no better than my father, had herself never struck me. So when I was fifteen years of age, and she had had enough of me taking my anger out on my brother through violence; she threatened to call the police on me the next time it happened, and I took it seriously. Some part of me didn’t want to become part of that cycle, some part of me needed to figure out how to adapt to life, figure out how to live and function in society; and it was that part that finally motivated me to make the choice to change.

Change is a choice however, whether one acknowledges it actively or not. Vibing off of the hatred present in me, I could have chosen to blame life, blame circumstance, blame my past; I could have… but I didn’t. The desire to live, and thrive in this environment had too sweet a call for me. So I did what I needed too, I turned cold. I froze the currents of the ocean I was drowning in, so that I might find purchase to pull my head above the water finally. If the hatred itself was consuming me, if the heat of anger kept providing fuel for these actions, than I needed them to dissipate before I could see things clearly. I entered a state of being akin to death, so I could pull myself up and claw my way to the surface for breath. You remember those whom I told you about that fractured their sanity in order to cope? I haven’t only met ones like that; I was one such as that. I had to gut myself and sow those pieces back together properly before I could function; and piece by piece, I did stich myself back again. But it was only possible because I recognized the need, and chose to do it.

When you are forced to critically examine your life, to look back upon it with that unflinching eye; you are forced into making a choice. “Do I blame all that has happened to me, for my current circumstances? Or do I instead, take that wheel and steer, accepting with it the acknowledgement that I, me, myself, am the sole driver of my life. I am completely responsible for my own life, independent of any previous or current circumstances that have happened or are currently happening to me.” It is the difference between a reactive life and a proactive one, the difference between one’s past becoming a source of strength and inspiration regardless of the shades and colors it took, or reactively allowing it to drag you down, weigh you down, and drown you under its own currents.

In order to do this well and truly, to take full responsibility and mastery over your own life, to be the navigator instead of letting the currents catch and crush you; some things need to happen first. This is no self help guide, and the road I took lasted 3 years of heavy self-work, and 12 years of continuing down the road that led me to; but one element is pretty key and universal. One must learn to divest the experiences of one’s past and/or one’s current circumstance, and rob them of their claim to you. If you still harbor hatred, anger, and resentment towards your “father” he has claim to you. And, I use the term “father” here loosely, it represents any aspect of one’s past or present that one feels strongly about. This strong emotion causes one to be reactive in nature. All events must eventually be just events; so that a degree of resilience, of strength, is gained from them.

I could have never turned serene eyes, calm eyes, upon my past, and found there the same sources of inspiration that I do now, if I did not first rob it of its claim to me. Looking at the beatings, and violence, and general lack of actual parenting; and taking from that a desire to actually study what parenting is, with curiosity and determination; there is no heat in that. Looking back on how moving every year has improved me and my character, lending me resilience and adaptability; there is no heat in that. Looking back on our family outings into the trash cans of the city, and taking from it humility and the knowledge that I am not above anything, improving once again adaptability and survivability; there is no heat in that. All aspects of my past, contribute to my current thriving, every experience a font of knowledge, understanding, and strength.

So to you who find yourself drifting, those of you who desperately wish to gain control once again; to you, the broken and discarded: Take your wheel and steer. Let the fire and heat of your past be that crucible that fuels your own metamorphosis. Let your soul be transformed in the forge of pain and suffering, but remember this. Eventually it must cool, eventually you must temper; eventually you must find your peace, calm your waters, and create your own footholds in this ocean that tries to drown you; and think on this: “It is to us then, to look upon our past with the unflinching eye, and draw from it inspiration and strength; regardless of the trials and tribulations found there. For every moment is a moment to learn more, grow more, and in the end, become more.”

The Sapience of Homo-Sapiens:

What is Wisdom?

What is Wisdom? It is a rather important consideration when talking about philosophy; considering that the Latin roots from which the word philosophy springs from, means literally: a friendly love of wisdom, or a friend of wisdom; from the Latin words Philia and Sophia meaning love (of a friendly nature) and wisdom respectively. So what does Wisdom mean then? The most rudimentary definition as taken from that great purveyor of information, Google, it means: “The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise.” (Google, (n.d.)) However, there are many who have their own takes on this word, for example the oft quoted words of Charles H. Spurgeon: “Wisdom is the right use of knowledge” (Charles Spurgeon. (n.d.)) lend to us an alternative definition from which to work from. However, as you can see, the dictionary definition provided and the anecdotal definition provided are not necessarily in alignment with one another. So how is a person to truly know what Wisdom is; as, the definition of Wisdom changes depending upon many factors; the society and timeframe of extraction, being foremost amongst them.

One of the methods is to cite the source. And that begs the question “Who then, is the source? Who is the authority on what philosophy, and thus wisdom are?” To answer those questions many credit Socrates (as depicted through the dialogues written by his informal student Plato) to be one of the founders of Western Philosophy. So, what then, does Socrates have to say about the topic? We find through the reading of our course material that Socrates (Plato?) believes Wisdom to be the absolute pursuit of the essence of things (Knowledge), of which can truly only be obtained, through the separation of the spirit (soul) from bodily distractions; i.e. death. This is most apparent in Plato’s Phaedo, in which Socrates tries to prove the immortality of the soul.

One of the arguments Socrates posits for why philosophers should not fear death, revolve around the nature of Wisdom, and how it is unattainable in mortal form: “It’s likely, to judge from our argument, that the wisdom which we desire and upon which we profess to have set our hearts will be attainable only when we are dead, and not in our lifetime.” (Plato, 2003 p. 127-128) What we can take from that quote, and the pages that precede it, is that Socrates understands wisdom to be the pursuit of knowledge, as it relates to the purest forms of such. That is to mean, trying to understand the nature reality through the limited medium of the body, trying to get as close to the Truth of things as possible, is the nature of Philosophy; and that, only upon release of the soul from the limitations of the body, can true Wisdom be attained. (Plato, 2003, p. 124-128)

So, working from the original presumption that to define a word, we must cite its source; the nature of Wisdom is then: the pursuit of the purest forms of Knowledge, through reason, independent of the body, and its limitations and hindrances. However, this is still assuming that Socrates is the authority on the subject by virtue of being the source (one of the founders of Western Philosophy). As you can see from the introduction, the definitions provided by the two information brokers of our age, Google and Wikipedia (who uses Charles Spurgeon’s definition), are not exactly in alignment with Socrates. I mean to say, the emphasis on right use or experience, are both lacking in this particular argument by Socrates, and it is clearly his most descriptive argument on the nature of Wisdom. Socrates never precluded the idea of right use of knowledge, but he also never attached that meaning to Wisdom; instead, attributing it to Just action and Justice. This is also in alignment with his statement that he has “no claim to wisdom” (Plato. p. 44) when in Plato’s Apology, Socrates argues that his service to society is in proving to the “wise” that they have no actual claim to wisdom, as that is the realm of God, and the only true Human wisdom, is in knowing their lack of; once again, alluding to this concept of Idealism {the premise that all the qualities of things have true essences or forms, and that the reality we experience is witnessed through the pale imitation of these forms (Plato, p. 140)} as it relates to Wisdom. Socrates also would have also probably scoffed at the idea that Wisdom was in anyway intimately linked to experience as that was the domain of the body and senses, and thus the antagonist of Wisdom.

After examining the source of modern western philosophy, we are still left wanting for a definition of what Wisdom really is though. As, you either accept things as Socrates states them, or you do not; and if you do not, then you must fill in the void of what that word means for you, to you. Personally, wisdom is the pursuit of understanding, and can be only independent of action in theory; not in practice, as action is always influenced by one’s knowledge and understanding. In this pursuit, there are different qualities of understanding the nature of something; and thus Wisdom is, to some degree, quantitative within its own constructs. Take for instance the following: A person racked with hunger, is lost in the woods; and he happens upon a man who has made his home there. There are many potential outcomes to this scenario; one, is that he will use force to sate his immediate needs, probably by theft (though assault is also a likely outcome). Another, however, is the recognition, that by virtue of the man having “fish” too cook, he must have a way of obtaining these fish, and a more reasonable and long term solution to his current problem, hunger, is better sated by inquiring how to obtain these fish instead. This is an example of exercising understanding. At one level, is the recognition of the knowledge, I have hunger, he has food, I need food. At the next, is the recognition of the knowledge, I have hunger, he has food, I need food, because he has food he must have a way of acquiring said food, if I ask after this method I can sustain myself for longer. This is a very physically oriented view of Understanding, meant to impart, and imply, that there are a multitude of levels toward understanding of any subject. Perhaps, that is what Socrates implies when he searches after the Truth, the essence of things; Understanding. In that way we are really not so different in our definition, other than on the emphasis of its primary components.

The importance that understanding plays in my view of Wisdom is important enough that I feel I must explore this aspect of it further. When I say, Understanding, note that I capitalize it. This is because it is not just a passing familiarity with a subject, idea or situation, but implies something deeper and more meaningful. It is becoming intimate with such things, it is intimacy. I cannot put it better than this: “Intimacy is the state of being intimate. Intimate is characterized by pronounced closeness of friendship, relationship or association. It is deeply personal and private and the state of intimacy results from a close study of, or familiarity with, something or someone. Being intimate pertains to the innermost nature or being of what is studies and deals with that which is essential or intrinsic to that something. To be intimate with someone or something means we know its inner and outer workings. . . . Intimacy is about a level of knowing that cannot be described but only experienced and it is in the experience that one knows.” (K. Ferlic, 2009) Intimacy plays a very important role in Tantra, and many other Asian philosophies, it implies complete engagement; which is why sexual energy is so prevalent in its teachings and methods. It is that aspect of intimacy and complete engagement they desire to impart and probably what has had the most impact on my understanding of Wisdom. Intimacy and thus Understanding, is an ongoing process and one can be surprised at the various levels of complexity and subtle nuances that surround an idea or topic, as they are uncovered through meditation, reflection, or “recollection” as Socrates would probably put it.

There exists more to Wisdom than Understanding however, as there would be no need for a separate word if understanding and intimacy sufficed. It is a way of moving through the world with this intimate knowledge, a method of interacting with reality based upon this intimacy and understanding, gained from experience and reflection. It is, the application of this deeper knowledge in a manner in accordance with the larger picture. Taoists call it harmony with the Way, Tantric Practice calls it Self-Awareness, Stoics probably referred to it as being in tune with the rhythms of the natural (though I am not as familiar with them as I would like). It implies some form of intuition based insight, gleaned from your intimacy with reality, as to how to act and why, making leaps of logic others would fail to see. It is this aspect of Wisdom, that makes it so hard to define precisely.

Wisdom will probably continue to be a vague notion; easily understood through experiencing, yet difficult to impart with mere words. I was conducting research for this project and recently read an article in which a research group tried to gain an empirical knowledge of what it is to be wise, what is wisdom? They asked 60 experts on the nature of wisdom from around the world to participate in a study, in which they were asked questions about the nature of Wisdom, to see if some unifying theme that was empirical in nature could be gleaned from their answers. Of the ones that showed up, no unifying definition of what it means to be wise could be constructed. What they did come up with was the following:

“It is uniquely human.

It is a form of advanced cognitive and emotional development that is experience-driven.

It is a personal quality, albeit rare.

It can be learned, increases with age and can be measured.

It is probably not enhanced by taking medication.” (Medical News Today, 2010)

It is uniquely human, homo-sapiens, the wise man. Interesting to note that when Carolus Linnaeus changed the genus name of humans from diurnis to sapiens, he was choosing to a trait so widely regarded as rare, yet so intrinsically part of humanity, a trait few can agree as to its true meaning. And yet, it seems so fitting, our natural curiosity and need to know more, to understand more... to become more. Sapience is defined as having great Wisdom; and man’s preoccupation with philosophy is truly a love affair with Wisdom; his pursuit to define it, confine it, and take it into himself and become one with it; to exemplify it, and laud its merits to the whole of society. That, that it were not so rare a quality, and exhibited with a frequency worthy of the name, sapiens. That, Sapience were inescapably intrinsic to what it means to be and become human. Perhaps that is the idealized form, an omen of eras of enlightenment to come, or just mere praise of man’s intellect misunderstanding the nature of Wisdom. It is something to think on.

Works Cited:

Google. (n.d.) Google.com. Retrieved September 9, 2013, from Google.com Web site: https://www.google.com/search?q=Wisdom+definition&oq=Wisdom+definition&aqs=chrome..69i57.5427j0&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

Charles Spurgeon. (n.d.). BrainyQuote.com. Retrieved September 9, 2013, from BrainyQuote.com Web site:http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/c/charlesspu121393.html

Plato. (2003). The Last Days of Socrates. (H. Tredennick & H. Tarrant, Trans.). London: Penguin Classics.

K. Ferlic. (2009) The need for physical intimacy. Retrieved September 9, 2013 from Andcreativity.com Web site: http://andcreativity.info/creativesexuality/need_for_physical_intimacy.htm

Bibliography:

Wisdom (2013, September 1)Wikipedia.org Retrieved September 9, 2013, from Wikipedia.org Web site: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisdom

n.p. (2010, May 10). "What Is Wisdom? Experts Define It." Medical News Today. Retrieved September 9, 2013 from: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/188170.php.

Well, I am enrolled in both First Year Writing, and Philosophy of Human Nature, so my fellow Xangan's may reap the benefit of this turn of events.  *Grins*  Up until now, I haven't been able to engage in writing with any degree of frequency, however with two writing heavy classes, I will have lots to post here as I write for various assignments.  So for today, I give you The Allegory of the Cave by Plato.

Clements DQ1 - The Cave

The Allegory of the Cave, to me, appears to be a parable about the nature of Knowledge and how it interacts with humanity, and how humanity interacts with it. In the story, a tribe of people are restrained in such a way that their legs are bound, their necks chained, and their gaze forced to look upon a wall that contains moving shadows. A society of sorts develops around their forced state of conditions, and the shadows in a sense become their subjective reality. They speculate about the shadows, give names to the shadows, attribute the sounds they hear to the shadows, and play games revolving around the shadows. The person who is most often right and wins these games, is given accolades and thought of as wise by this closed condition society.

It is then, that one of the members is freed, where upon, he is a little stunned and disoriented, knowing only his life of sitting, watching the shadows. It is at this part where I reflect upon the nature of man's stagnation when it comes to the unknown. It seems that the natural tendency of a person, is to seek out the familiar and comfortable, and this typically plays itself out be an natural inclination not to push boundaries or limits. It is entirely possible, that were the freed person not then, forced to stand up and look around him, he may not even have recognized that he was thus freed. He may have been one of the ones who would have sat there living out their life watching the shadows, pretending to still be bound, for that is all they knew, or know.

But, he is forced to stand, and he is forced to look around, he is forced to observe that which made the shadows upon the wall. The large platform, with its figures he could not name, but by the shadows they cast. The roaring fire, behind them, blinding his eyes and causing him pain until they adjust to the new level of illumination. When he is forced to confront the reality, that the reality he knew was fullness of the reality around him, he is still dazed, still confused, still resistant to coming to terms with this new awareness of his surroundings, this new freedom, he has to yet still be forced further, led up and out into the world, whereupon the harshness of this new illumination accompanied by a further expansion and knowledge of his reality keeps him blind and looking at the shadows of things, and the reflections of things, not yet able to look upon them fully.

When I reflect upon the story so far, to me, the light represents illumination, knowledge. It always accompanies an expansion of his surroundings, an expansion of his awareness, and it is harsh to look upon at first. Knowledge, when looked upon with the wrong state of mind, the wrong frame of reference, is harsh oftentimes. It kind of mirrors how we as a society have grown of the ages actually, successively being dragged along by the pioneers of science, the people who are naturally predisposed towards questioning their reality, their surroundings, and seeking to understand their set of conditions the best they can with the tools available to them. First looking at shadows, and reflections because the full illumination is still too bright. We always start on the peripheral of a topic and slowly work our way inward toward a fuller more complete understanding, like the man is forced to look at the shadows, the reflections, and the moon and stars, before he is allowed to look around the world fully as it is illuminated by the sun.
He is finally able to look out upon the world though, his eyes wide open, and the sun's light no longer is blinding. He has fully acclimated to his surroundings and environment, and the world is full of wonder, richer and more detailed than his existence chained and restrained, looking upon only shadows. He remembers his time, and he examines it with the eyes of someone, who has seen and experienced more, and he reflects on the nature of his happiness now, in contrast to his past, and the disparity between the two invokes a natural pity for his fellow tribesmen. How he used light up with pride and happiness at the praise of his fellows for being good at the game of shadows. Revulsion at how ignorant he was, the pervious accolades rendered meaningless with this new awareness. So driven, he returns to the cave to "save" his tribesmen from their condition. But, when he returns to the cave, it is so dark, and his tribesmen still happy and laughing, joking and cheering the players of the game of shadows, giving their accolades, to the best player. His vision, unaccustomed to this darkness after so much light, can no longer play the game like he used too, and when he tries to tell them of the world and what he has seen, he is ridiculed and mocked, to such a point that were they able, they would kill him.

Looking at the story so far, to me, it speaks toward humanities natural tendency toward desiring to better the lives of their kin. So filled with knowledge, and new awareness, the man is genuinely revolted by his past, and how content he was in his own ignorance. He tries hard to convince his tribesmen to return to the surface with him, but their lack of awareness, lack of firsthand knowledge, propel them to judge him on their own merits, and all they know is the shadows. He is no longer able to relate to them on their level, nor they able to relate to him on his, and the more he tries to compel them, the angrier they get. To them, he is now an outsider, corrupted by his experiences and journeys. Look at him, he is no longer able to play the game, he is no longer one of us. Human's natural state is to judge the world based off their own personal experiences, and when they don't have someone there to drag them along, to force them to see differently, their natural inclination, is to stagnate and gravitate towards what is comfortable, familiar. It kind of says Knowledge is has its own inertia, it stagnates or moves forward until some outside force acts on it, altering its course. Once forced to stand up, and look around, once forced forward and thrust into the world, the man continued the journey on his own, became a philosopher, became a person who questions, until he knew that the sun itself was responsible in a way for all that was. But it took someone to alter his course. We find this pattern repeated throughout history, as our own society progressed. And this story was written around 380 BC, over 2000 years ago. Much like his mentor Socrates was forced to commit suicide by a trial of his peers for transgressions of "refusing to recognize the gods recognized by the state"(EyeWitness to History, 2003) and "corrupting the youth" (EyeWitness to History,2003) so too have we been presented many times throughout history, where men of science and philosophy have been forced into silence, or silenced, because the views they were espousing contradicted those in power. In a way, the Allegory of the Cave is also a political piece about how those in power keep the ignorant masses ignorant, because there were people who kept the tribesmen chained, and entertained with their shadow play.

Returning to the primary question asked "Is it better to know the truth and be unhappy or to be happy but ignorant?" The nature of this question is very subjective, and probably dependent upon the individual who answers it. I personally, feel that there is a certain sense of peace attained from knowledge and understanding, the nature of happiness itself is rather subjective. Oftentimes, it is a matter of personal choice and recognition that happiness is something generated from within primarily, and if that recognition is never made, it matters not circumstances, environment, or any conditional factors, empowering your surroundings to externalize your contentment with life will ultimately lead to a life slavishly devoted toward fulfilling those fleeting conditions. There have been situations where I have purposely chosen ignorance of the full details of a situation, because I knew in advance that the details would not alter nor impact the ultimate decision that had to be made, but would add additional stress to the situation. The one that comes most readily to mind, is the time when my wife came to me informing me that she had broken our agreement, and that as a result she was with child from another man. In that instance, I knew I was not going to leave my wife, nor would intimate knowledge of the details overly affect the courses of action that were going to be taken, so I did not request the additional information. There have been situations where I just needed to know, regardless. I don't particularly have an instance where I can point to, as this is my modus operandi and has set the tone of my existence. But dealing with the same instance, a year later, some altercations necessitated me requesting the information I desired to be ignorant of to prove a point, and as I predicted, it stung and hurt, but was necessary at the time to yield the desired results. We are dynamic, and complex, and crazy. *Grins* In general, society as we know it however, would not exist if the pillars of the past did not bear the burden of being that teacher that unchained us and drug us into the light kicking and screaming, even as we raised pitchforks and threatened to stab them. Is it better off? Are we better off? *Shrugs* I know I love my technology too much to actually desire belonging to ages past, stuck in a cyclic self-fulfilling illusion of truth. I have often said that truth, is merely knowledge in the absence of a better understanding.

Bibliography:

"The Suicide of Socrates, 399 BC," EyeWitness to History, www.eyewitnesstohistory.com (2003).

The Cave [videorecording] : a parable / told by Orson Welles ; produced by Nick Bosustow, C.B. Wismar ; directed by Sam Weiss.
Chicago, Ill. : SVE & Churchill Media, c1974.
Subjects Plato. Republic.
Description: 1 videocassette (9 min., 20 sec.) : sd., col. ; 1/2 in. + teacher's guide.
General note: Distributed by Churchill Films.
"80805-HAVT" (program number).
VHS format.

Edited on Monday, August 26, 2013 - 11:16 PM

Life:

School:

It has been quite a while since I have posted anything, and I am suddenly feeling the urge to at least update a Life entry.  The biggest change in my life at the moment is that I am now officially in College, and I am on the second week thus far.  I am going to focus on trying to acquire an Associates in Science for Computer Information Systems from the Florida Institute of Technology in Melbourne before I go for my 4 year, or pick additional classes in programing or computer science.

It feels kind of good to finally be going to school, but wow is it time consuming when you are still supposed to be there for your children tending to their needs, and making sure the house runs smoothly.  I get some help, but it isn't enough at the moment.  I am going to try asking for more and actually setting down some concrete time to get things done; but, even with the lack of adequate support, the versatility afforded online secondary higher education still allows me to get my work done.  I am getting 95% and above in all my classes at the moment which is good, but I can do better.

I sort of feel like I am missing out on the College experience, because I always wanted to attend in person, even stay in the dorms.  People who might be experiencing it right now might think I am crazy, but I am a very experience oriented persons, and not only would being there in person increase my capacity to understand and interact with the teacher, and material; but, it is just one of those things, like my decision to join the military for at least one tour.  I am a person who seeks out, and does.  My wife is a little envious of my capacity to juggle everything and get things done, but she is also proud of me.  Hopefully I can keep it up.

My classes at the moment are, Introduction to eLearning, Computer Business Skills, and Principles of Accounting.  By far, the hardest class is Principles of Accounting, and not because of the difficulty of concept or workload; purely for the tedium and redundancy of memorizing vast quantities of information, and the repetition involved.  Anyway, I am sure I will succeed.

Wife:  

Things have improved, we keep cycling through areas of time where I go into depressions because at times I am highly unsatisfied with my sex life or lack thereof, but everyone goes through these eventually.  We celebrated our Anniversary recently and I made her a homemade card, here it is:

Anyway, *Smiles*  she really liked the card and many of the other little things I did for her.  The gift was a KitchenAid Pro 600 Lift style with attachments.  She has been wanting one and I thought it would be awesome with the theme of the card and the anniversary, you know the whole mixing things and the stainless steel.  *Grins*  But, things have been going really good for me and her.  Her Lover is currently living abroad due to work, but he is hoping to become the owner of his own business through this action so we tolerate the necessity of his absence, we both miss him to varying degrees; she probably misses him more than I do, but that is to be expected.  I still miss him though.  Hopefully, everything he wants to achieve can be done within the next year.  I am very proud of him actually, because this is the most motivation and determination I have ever seen out of him, and the most consistency.  I think he will actually make it, and that makes me happy to think about.  He is still overly moody though, *Smirks* that is a work in progress, because his communication skills have increased drastically, or at least his desire to use them has.  He comes back for two nights and a day out of the week, so at least there is that.

Reflections in a Mirror: Nostalgia

I have been getting hit a lot with reflections and memories of times long past, desiring to reconnect with a lot of the faded memories.  I spent a full day obsessing over trying to find my old leader who was directly above me when I was fresh into the army, for those who know the technical term it is called team chief.  He was pretty awesome, he took no nonsense, but was always willing to get down and personal, helping you learn what needed to be learned, and being very laid back and casual while maintaining that sense of professionalism.  By far, one of the best leaders I have ever had the pleasure to work under.  For some reason, I couldn't remember his name though, it was so long ago, and I decided to see if I could expand my Facebook network until I ran across something that jarred my memory.  24 hours later, and with much time spent on facebook doing research, I found him.  *Smiles*  We haven't caught up with one another though, because that was finished not too long ago, yesterday into today in fact.  Did you know they added a lot of really cool features relating towards filtering your search queries to Facebook?  Made everything infinitely easier by the way.  *Grins*

I wonder why it hit me so hard recently, I am very Introverted; I mean, I have my wife and that is pretty much it for steady social contact at the moment, and I am not overly bothered by this.  Though after 7 years, I am finally starting to get a little stir crazy.  So I have started trying to branch out and build my own network of friends instead of just relying on whoever happens to drift through the house for whatever reason.  I think that is probably what prompted the trips down memory lane.  Every time I travel down memory lane though (which isn't that frequently) it is always accompanied by this vague sense of longing however.  One one hand, this has helped me be more vocal about what I actually want to increase my general state of happiness above my normal levels of content/depressed.  On the other, it provides the contrast that has increased many instances of negative feelings relating toward how free and resource independant I used to be versus my current state of affairs.  That remembering the best parts of your past and comparing it to your current situation, that is Nostalgia; and it isn't always a good thing.

Many people allow themselves to become trapped by the past; because they spend their life eternally trying to recapture the memories of their youth, the memories of times with less responsibility and duty.  I can see the allure, like I said, I spurred me to be more vocal about what I think would increase my own general levels of happiness, but that turns something that is inherently internal into something that is external, and I have been slapped in the face recently for forgetting some of my own teachings that I have come across and shared with others.  The only way you will ever truly be happy, is if you decide to be.  Happiness is a decision and, more concisely a state of mind, where you have a deep sense of contentment with your lot in life, your position.  You can be dirt poor, and in the middle of a third world country, and you can still have a high level of contentment with your own life.  In fact, it is oftentimes the people who have experienced true hardship that have a greater sense of appreciation in general, thus increasing their subjective happiness.  Isn't that kind of messed up and counter intuitive   The more hardship you have experienced, and more perspective you have, and the greater your appreciation of simple and small things.  One thing to keep in mind, is that, as contentment and happiness are generally conscious choices, states of mind that can be lived in; you have to ensure that you also keep the balance and make sure that the relationships you surround yourself with are built on balance, fairness, and equality.  I think the severe lack of balance that has been present for so long, is what is responsible for Nostalgia settling in, and it is great to have the wake up call, but at the same time, like I said, Nostalgia is the act of remembering the past fondly, to the point of longing, which is inherently a negative experience.

Bah, it is getting late,

Night fellow Xangan's,

May peace favor you.

Life:  ...has been busy, and up, and down.  My wife came back from her month long absence, but things have returned to normal, which is to say they have returned to exactly what I did not want them to return to.  Things were so amazing before she left, I wonder what changed, why she changed again, and everything.  I don't know, I just kind of hoped it would be different this time, but after breaking down over the two months of November and December of last year, I am as the quote at the bottom of my Home entry, one tree.

To take the edge of the loneliness I feel between Sunday to Saturday I have taken up an old game I used to love, and I have been obsessing about it to fill my time and distract me.  League of Legends is the name of the game, and I used to be pretty good at it, but now I am rusty and there is alot of information and champions to catch up on.  Anyone familiar with gaming terms it is a MOBA Strategy pvp game.  So, now while she de-stresses from work by playing her Facebook games for hours I obsess about this one, *Smirks*  Are we not just the happiest couple in the world? *Winks*

I still wish she wouldn't let everything in life shut her down so hard, and that at the very least, by the end of the day she wasn't constantly so tired that she has little to no time for me, except for the brief moments I am granted either putting her to sleep or trying to fall asleep with her.  Passion is what I think I miss most, but she has left no room for it inside of her.  Our time, is delegated to the moments sleep does not steal from, and weary tired bones do not drag down and drain.  Stolen moments of Joy that are too few and far between.

On a slightly brighter note, I may potentially have another love interest entering into my life again, it is on very tentative and shaky ground, but its something to hope for.  I like the way she kisses and how her body responds to mine, I think I need a touch oriented person in my life, and that may be while I have such a big disconnect with my wife, who is primarily words and gifts.  *Smiles*  I can make her feel loved, valued, and wanted pretty easily, but I always feel used up and burnt out because I don't always get what I need in return.  I sometimes think of the one before, and it makes me sad and mournful of how that turned out, but *Shakes the thoughts out of his head*  I shall not let that seed take root and grow, the depression it would lead to has no cure, so for now the seed will occasionally get planted, but will receive no water.  I just hope things turn out better this time around, and my wife can handle it better, it appears she can but I am a pretty fast learner figuring things out with minimal mistakes.  I just wish last time hadn't been my first time, me and my wife had been in a better place, and she had been in a better frame of mind.  It took almost loosing me for her to wake up, and realize a few things.  So I guess they are not totally back to normal, because now I do have the weekends to look forward to somewhat.  *Shrugs*

UPDATES Coming, but I have to mind the children at present.

These Blades of Measure

Oh, how your eyes do pierce,

Like stinging, stabbing, cutting

Things

Sharp things

And I?  I do weep,

For your eyes do be heavy

Weight, a burden of measure

And I?  I am beat with this stick

Broken by this stick, (on the inside)

Inside...  broken on the inside

Battered on the inside

And I?  I stare daggers back

These eyes, these disapproving eyes

They do swing, this ruler like a sword

And I?  I cut, we cut.

We cut each other

With our sticks of measure (our rulers, our swords)

And we bleed

And we hurt

Each other

Our eyes

(eternally, perpetually, and forever)

Daggers

Reflections in a Mirror:  Acceptance...  A powerful word...

Acceptance...  Such a simple word too; its concepts are not difficult at all to grasp, or wrap your head around.

For most, Acceptance may take the role of a goal, such as seeking acceptance; the desire to “fit in,” to harmonize with your peers; because let’s face it, we are all social animals at heart.  Most of us seek acceptance, to some degree or another.  It is an intrinsic experience most humans go through: that desire to belong, to be a part of something greater, to not feel alone, be alone.

Yes, acceptance is a powerful word, an important word.  One many of us are not conscious of most of the time.  We seek the comfort of groups, and yet we remember what it was like not being part of a group, part of anything; and it makes us feel... special, to finally be a part of something instead of apart, separated, different.  Yet, we also remember those sticks of measure, we remember not being thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, something enough, to belong; to feel like we belonged.  And our eyes, whether consciously, or unconsciously; they too become daggers,  judging eyes, disapproving eyes.  For we remember, what it was like to be on the outside, and now that we feel “special”, now that we belong, we feel the right to pass judgment, to weigh and to measure others, those who are not of the group, those who have not conformed; and we measure, we measure against the group, against our beliefs, our sense of “should be”.  That is the basic nature of humankind.  That is our legacy.

It doesn’t even have to be malicious in nature, though it frequently is.  We judge, and we compare all the time.  We note the differences, and even a passing phrase can be cutting, even if that wasn’t the way it was intended.  For on the receiving end, we see through the filter of our insecurities, our imperfections that plague us, the ruler we use on ourselves to see if we measure up.

It is our judgments, our decisions that things “should” be a certain way, or that certain way is ideal, that trap us in this pattern.  “I should be pretty, I should be thin, I should be just like the model I see on TV,  I should be...”  I should be... a very damaging statement, or at least it has that potential.  It is the source of many woes, as people strive to live up to ideals that society has placed.  “I should be thin, but I am fat and I am ugly” We seem to drink in these judgments, these prejudices, from both our macrocosm (Society) and microcosm (local groups, local “in” crowd), and it is all to easy to turn “I should...” into “You should...”  In so doing, we not only fail to see the beauty within ourselves, but we fail to see the beauty in others, and we stare at them, with our disapproving looks thinking them separate.  Almost, like they are a different species, as if our physical attributes change what we are, human.

We are all the same on the inside, we are all human, and it is only our “should” that separates us, that distances us from one another.  That makes us feel dissatisfied with who we are, so that we become unhappy, or obsessed.

It all springs from Judgment and prejudice (pre judgment); and it is not limited to the physical, it is not limited to how we look, not limited to concepts of beauty.

Judgment, and Non-Acceptance, take many forms and breed intolerances.  This, is what I mean when I say it is our Legacy; for our History is riddled with examples of intolerance.  Wars started because, one group of people didn’t meet up to the standard of another’s “should”.  Religion is a perfect example of this.  Intensely focused on how things “should” be, many wars, conflicts, and atrocities have been perpetrated in the name of Religion.  Does that mean that religion is bad?  No, for that in and of itself, is a declaration of how something “should” be, and I am not here to condemn Religion.  It is merely an example of how, placing so much focus on the way things “should” be, has led to difficulties in the past.  It exemplifies how, focusing on the way things “should” be, not only limits our ability to accept ourselves, and others; but also on how placing the focus on the way things “should” be has the potential to spark hate, to breed intolerances, and to enflame the heart to action, in the name of said hate.

 It is perhaps, intolerance, that is the enemy in this regard.  Intolerance, is definitely not acceptance; in truth it is a definitive lack of acceptance.  The idea that something offends so completely that action must be taken.  It is found in the lynch mob’s that would hunt down people of color when racism was predominate, it is found in the more radical forms of racism today.  It is found in the Religious wars of the past, and the terrorism they inspire today.  It is found in every judgment, every decision to Declare, with definitive and intrinsic qualities; that something is, was, and forever shall be this way, one way.  It is, lack of acceptance.

And our fixation, on the inherent beauty of an object or person, is but a lesser form of these intolerances.  For, anytime we say something is beautiful, we define for ourselves something that is not; we pass judgment, even if we do not see it consciously.  It is just the way of things, it is the nature of man to define, and thus to define what is not.  We are Exclusionary, segregating by walls of our own fashion.

Intolerance, touches us all on a personal level.  Be it something as simple, as the inability to accept ourselves, see ourselves, and see the beauty there; or perhaps expressing disapproval over someone’s actions.  Both of those are forms of intolerance, intolerance of the self, intolerance over others.  How often have we said to ourselves, “I hear your words, but I don’t believe them” when we receive compliments.  It could be of anything, compliments on our looks, personality, or perhaps even our writings.

When it is in ourselves, intolerance breeds insecurity.  We find something within ourselves that we cannot tolerate, or accept; and it leaves us... Dissatisfied, perhaps even sad, or angry; anger that others judge us, and try as we may, try as we might, we judge ourselves on those same standards, and ask ourselves if they are really wrong.  *Smiles* Just before we stamp our foot down angrily to crush such thoughts, or not, and reaffirm that they are ignorant, intolerant buffoons.

So what then is the counter?  Is it Tolerance?  I would say that it is not, for to me, tolerance is only two letters away from intolerance, and it is not acceptance.  It might be the closest many can come to acceptance, but in and of itself, it is still a judging thing, only with the capacity to govern our actions, and not let them bleed out into open hate, open intolerance.

Acceptance... True Acceptance.  It is not a judging thing.  For the moment you judge, at most you can hope for is tolerance.  And tolerance is being at war with the self, it is holding back, it is governing, it is a struggle.  Acceptance is not these things, for if you do not judge something, you do not have to hold back, it does not spur you toward action in the first place.  It is not a fighting thing; if you find yourself struggling to accept, then you are not really accepting anything, you are merely tolerating it.  It is an ideal, something most will either strive for, or walk away from, and that choice is their own.  But it does not judge and it does not fight, it merely is, or it isn’t.

“Lao Tzu says: “Accept yourself. Non-acceptance is the root of all the trouble.” None of us accept ourselves. The more a person doesn’t accept himself, the greater a mahatma he looks to others to be. We are our greatest enemy. If we had our way, we would cut ourselves to pieces in order to remove what was unacceptable.” - Osho

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Wordsmith

It’s Just for the sake of art

That I bind words and twist form

The selection a-la-carte

Picture into words: transform

Perhaps to paint a picture

In your pretty little head

While I receive your stricture

Until I am beaten dead

This is a four by seven rhyme

Constricted, restricted, bound

Words delivered on time

Silently without a sound

Myself bleeding on these pages

The color a Sanguine Red

Perhaps my word enrages

Another heart that has bled

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My Apathetic Heart

This scaffolding has me in its grips

and I am

Cold

Frozen...

On the inside.

Yet, like a drowning person on the eve of death

I am coldly comforted

In the peace of death's embrace

Oh Mr Reaper Grim,

This smile upon my face is for You, (because of You)

And yet, even as I use you for support

your fingers

they clutch

my

heart

And I am,

 Cold

But

I would rather your ivory hands, my heart hold

Then your final kiss touch my lips.

For now,

Just for now

We will walk through life partnered, so you can save me (from myself)

And the glistening crimson drops that used to haunt my dreams?

Shall be for Evermore............       another time, (a different time).

For we play this eternal game

And everyday

we draw

Stale

"What a fine balance it is."

Reflections in a Mirror:  This is a reflection on my past.  It is not something that occupies the forefront of my mind often; but on occasion, when someone brings up something that makes me think of it, I remember.

I remember my journey, and how it came to be that I needed the scaffolding of Apathy, in order to even function in my world.  Through my life, there has only ever been one constant note playing its sickly sweet malady for me.

Pain

My first memories?  They are of stormy nights, screams, and crying.  I think I was 3 maybe 4 at the time, and the storm set the ambience of that night, framed it.  I am not sure, but I think that night my mother finally decided to leave my father.

The past is a blur.  Snatches of cognizance here and there, memory working in leaps and bounds, who knows the rhyme and reason of things, who knows why one memory stands out more than the next.

Another memory; the next earliest having the sharpness of clarity, when so much of my past is unclear; and the scene?  Being taking away from my mother, reasons:  Unknown.  The ground seems so shaky under my feet, so unsteady.  At least I still have my brother and my sister, or wait, I don’t.  We come together but for only a brief instant, before being split up.  Alone.

It is such a sad joke, when the fondest memory of your childhood, is that of living with strangers, ones who use ridicule, embarrassment, and humiliation as tools for change.  Such a sad Joke, and yet I was happiest there.  At least, there was this bright spot, still bathed in memories fuzzy.

Six years old, my father, a stranger to me, more than these strangers I lived with, someone I have no memories of.  “It is time to go home Son.” Confusion, why is everything so Transitory?

My father, it turns out, was a drunk and a drug addict; so while I might have been reunited with “family”, once again able to see my brother and sister; my stay in his care, was . . .   Painful.

A board, an inch thick, hearts carved into its center; custom made to show your “love”.  Swung... frequently, and with such force that it eventually splintered and broke; disintegrating across my ass, or perhaps my lower back, who knows your aim was never good.  Oh, your anger that time, and your belt?  Metal that day, not leather.  The provocation that started it all?  Who knows, who cares.  I was always the good son, so ready to please, and yet you seemed to resent me personally.  My siblings never seemed to anger you so, in fact I took their turns as well.  Boots thrown at my head.

I remember... that our “family outings” was raiding the dumpsters for can’s to support your habit.

I remember... that we could never stay in one place, because you were always on the run, from something, anything.  I remember the consequences, the children who exhibit the cruelty of man all too well.  Yet, I was a sensitive soul, a pacifist, so I took their punishments on myself, and I never fought back; and it would die down, only to start anew ever year.  Always, perpetually, the new kid.  They beat me almost as much as you did.

Something broke in me, and I have been picking up the pieces ever since.

I turned...  Twisted, demented, masochistic, sadistic.  I had to turn the pain into a loving thing, a comforting thing, something had to love me.  My patron saint: Suffering.

13 years of age, the city shook, and it seemed to herald change.  My mother... stranger to me, then even you.  She finally caught you, you were running from her, so you could keep the food stamps (so we could use them to buy 5 cent candies, so you could use the change to buy your sweet nectars.  Oh, I remember the time I spent too much, the time I purchased something for 50 cents.  Set me straight you did.)

For my mother, I have thanks.  For providing me with stability, if not freedom from the Pain.  The men who drifted in and out of your life, that your silence subjected us to.  I forgive you, my soul forged in sweet agony.  I wouldn’t be who I am without that sick symphony continuing to play its tune for me.  But at least I was no longer the New Kid after a time.  It was just as bad as anywhere I moved, worse being a small town.  But they lost interest, instead content with their disdainful looks, harsh whispers, and practical jokes.

But your silence, as the men in your life inflicted their desires on us.  With your eyes blind, you still don’t know the half of it.  And you never will, the part you do know troubles you now.  My soul forged in those fires of agony are enough to bare those burdens.

But oh, how broken I had become, the slap of leather across my back, inflicted by my own hand, to know that pain still loved me.  And, the blades call, and crimson nightmares?  So many times, so close.

But you saved me, your hands never struck me; so your slap was all the louder to wake me from those nightmares.  My nightmares.  And for that I thank you.

And it was then that me and Apathy learned to be friends, and when I let the Reaper Grim hold my heart, because sometimes it is a burden to feel things so intensely.

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Expectations

Held by chains, I did not see

Unseen battles, abstract lands

‘Ware, of nothing holding me

Leashed, in someone’s hands

“I was hunger,

     And you my meal.

 I was thirst,

    And you my drink.”

Lost, in Sorrow’s soft caress

And in Anger’s heated bite

My spirits, you did depress

I was blinded without sight

“I was leashed,

    And you my keeper.

 I was pained,

   And your hands bloodied.”

This leash digs upon my soul

Burdened of my own devise

 Oh how this load takes its toll

I am lost in my own lies

“I was dreams,

   And you could have saved me.

 I was hope,

   And you my death.”

Reflections in a Mirror:  Expectations...  They are the chains that we bind to ourselves, unknowing that we are handing this "leash" to others, so that we might be but a slave to them.  Not in the traditional use of the word of course, one would still have one's free will; but slaves to those around us in a different way.  Instead, as we move through our story we are...  Reactive.  Reactive, to those around us, freely giving up control of our happiness, our peace, and our enjoyment of life.  As the poem above suggest though, most of us are not aware of any such thing; and yet, any time you place expectations, or picture how something should be,  you are no longer free to enjoy the journey; instead, you are focused on the results, on what you would like to happen.  Perhaps you may be rewarded for your efforts, and things will go as expected, as hoped, or as planned.  Yet, things could just as easily go awry, and you left... Disappointed.

It is that uncertainty, that dependency on the outcome, that places chains on us.  Just as it is placing those expectations on the actions of another, that dependency on an outcome, that places your "leash" in their hands.  For, the actions of another? They are uncertain, at best.  Everyone has their own agendas, their own goals; and moving through life, dependent on them for your happiness, is going to lead to more heartache and sorrow then some can bare.

There is another way however.  When one shifts the focus, off of expectations, off of outcomes, off of supposed too's and should's; one is then, no longer "leashed" to outcomes, or expectations.  One is then free to choose, free to simply enjoy the journey, the story, the moment, this moment!

Lets put this in a perspective that most can probably relate to.  A parable, or story perhaps, about John and Jane:

John, has liked Jane for sometime now, and he is excited that they are finally going to go on a date.  He plans everything out, and idealizes everything in his head.  He has waited so long for a chance, and wants everything to go perfect.   He is placing a lot of expectations on tonight's events, and how he would like them to go.  When Jane shows up, John is nervous, because he has so much invested in the outcome, and he is never able to fully relax.  Jane feels this nervousness and it makes the night... kinda awkward; and despite the fact that neither had a horrible time, they didn't exactly have a great time either.  John, with so much investment in the outcome, was too worried to actually cut loose, and fully enjoy himself.  The night didn't go as he expected, it wasn't his ideal, and he is left... disappointed, and beating himself up about it.

The above story illustrates the power of something as simple as expectation, can have on our lives.  Lets run this story back, and look at it from a different perspective.

John, has liked Jane for sometime now, and he is excited that they are finally going to go on a date.  He plans a few activities, to build a little momentum, but they are really there for just in case, and ice breakers.  He is actually just looking forward to spending time with Jane, and is willing to let the night take him where ever it goes.  Jane shows up, and John is not nervous, because he is enjoying just being with Jane, they have been friends for a while now so he feels comfortable around her.  Jane picks up on John's relaxed attitude, and it calms her own nerves; she ends up really enjoying herself, and they talk late into the night.  When Jane finally goes home, John feels on top of the world.

The above shows the difference how just eliminating a little expectation and focusing on the journey, and not the end, can really change things.  He hasn't release all expectation of course,  I am pretty sure John would have been bummed if Jane couldn't make it last minute; but, he is much freer then the earlier example.

When someone is focused so intently on what they want to happen, or how it should happen, they drift away from actually enjoying the experience as it unfolds.  I am not saying that people that focus on outcomes, on the end product, are not happy,  just that they experience many more ups and downs, many more hits and misses, and that their happiness, it isn't within their own control.

*Smiles*

Enjoy the present, for it is a Gift.

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Memories

I am left Wandering,

Searching. . .          For memories,

Where did you go?

This map. . .    it leads me. . .     Nowhere!

These memories are all I have (Dust)

Scattered on a breeze.

Where did you go?

Am I lost?

No, not lost.

Maybe. . .               Just alone?

Where did you go?

This loneliness . . .     it fills me with. . .              Sadness.

These memories not lost, but loss remembered (Ash)

Fluttering on the harsh wind

Where did you go?

Alone then?

No, not alone

I see. . .               Smiling faces.

Where did you go?

Your smiles. . .   they brings me. . .       Warmth

I shall look fondly on these smiling memories (Smoke)

Floating like a dreamy haze in a gentle breeze

Where did you go?

You're with me.

Reflections in a Mirror:  I was re-reading many of my old posts from 2003 and 2004, and when I went to check on my old friends;  I found they had all scattered, like dust on a breeze.  Each and every single one of them, gone; most even shut down their accounts.

What is it about Xanga that makes so many people come here with such high hopes, only to crash and burn amongst its pages.  It seems to be popping up even now with regularity.  Xangans suddenly deciding that they have out grown Xanga.  I find it sad actually, this is one of the few places that makes keeping tabs on your thoughts, easy, painting your pages with your history, your experiences; each shaded differently by colorful, vibrant personalities.

At least I will carry the fond memories I have with me.

It seems that every few years there is a different Xanga community; its the same, but different, every time.  This is my third time coming back to Xanga after a long absence.  Absence by circumstance rather then choice.  I do miss this place, a place to capture my word, a snapshot in time; capturing, just a little bit of myself in these pages.

I like to write, to see how I have grown, how I have changed, how I have evolved.  A place to keep a record of who I was, so that while memories may fade and dreams may change, I will know who I was.  I will know what my passions were, what dreams I had, what memories I cherished.  A picture, painted with my words.

That is why I blog, that is why I write, to capture the my essence, distilled into words.  A puzzle piece imprinted with my soul, so that one day, when I have forgotten who I am; I can put myself back together.

Perhaps I may touch a few lives during my journey, make a few friends, and enrich my life for the better, or worse  *Smiles*  But. . . I write for me, for the memories.

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Home

Our love, is the type of love that only comes around for a very special few,
The type of love that grows roots. . . and digs though the flesh to drink deep.
The type of love that, when you try to separate it, rips you open and feels physical.
Physical.... Physical in a way that it almost feels like you are literally being torn limb from limb
One branch at a time, and the weeping willow weeps, because that is what weeping trees do.
They weep, because they are lonely, and they need their roots buried deep, to feel whole.

That is our type of love, the type of love that almost feels like a drug, because it is.
A drug.... one that has withdrawal symptoms that can kill a man.... make him.......
Bleed out, on the floor, from that gaping chest wound that used to be his heart.
But it is worth it,  that love that runs so deep,  it is intoxicating to be around.
It is a living thing. And yeah it sheds its tears, but its worth it, your worth it,
We are worth it, because our love is a drug, and the roots run deep, really fucking deep.

To be in love with you, feels like madness, but I kinda like the insanity of it.
The ebbs and flows, the real grit and grim, we get dirty with it, and we....
Get raw with it, and when it is good, it is fucking amazing, like high as a kite.
Flying on this feelin', this carnal lust, deep inside, where I belong, with you.
Home, I am home, when I am with you, and I would rather bleed out being torn...
Limb by fucking limb, and have that hole in my chest when you are absent, than...

Anything..... Our's is the type of love, that poets write saga's about, artists paint
Black and red, dripping wet, we are always dripping wet, dripping in a good way
And in a bad way, either one of us is bleeding from that hole in our chest......
Or I have have you begging me, begging me to forgive you until we are both
Dripping wet, and exhausted, loving every fucking minute of me being home.
In you, with you, beside you, inside you, rooted deep inside you, we are...

One, and the same, rooted in each other until we are drinking deep and
Addicted to the drug that has become our life, our love, sprawled across
These pages that make up our story like insanity run rampant and crazed.
A poets saga of dripping passions, rising and falling on the strokes of a...
Brush, painted on these pages, for all the world to see how much I love you
How much I need you, and how much you are my special place called: Home

Quote: "Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

- Captain Corelli's Mandolin

The Picnic

Beneath a Moonlit meadow, we almost made love.

Under the soft velvet lights of the willow wisps.

Forgotten in hunger pangs, left to starve on vapors

And I Searched for you.

I searched for you, but found your eyes vacant, and your kisses.... Wanting.

Like a doll, you just sat there and stared into space, eyes dead, lifeless.

Bacon Wrapped Chicken, You died to a Bacon Wrapped Chicken?

And I Remembered for you.

I remembered for you, placing my head lay in your lap, it was there that I remembered.

You fed me your fruit, and I let the juices drip down my chin, behind the giggles and smiles

Somewhere between the soft kisses and I love you's, you were lost and I have been searching.

And I Lost you.

I lost you, somewhere across the meadows, the transfer of words got lost.

They took you, ripped that cord right out of the back of your neck

You lost your connection, they stole you from me, and I remembered

That I missed you.

With the tears, I missed you.

Life:  Well considering I haven't written any poetry in a long time, it isn't horrible.  *Grins*  I am rather out of practice though.

Mood:  Disappointed

Reason:  My wife is doing NTC training, for it, there is a period of time where she isn't allowed to have contact with the outside world, and they take all forms of communication away.  I knew it was coming  but I thought it was going to be much later in the day then it was, so I missed her last text to me, and the chance to say proper good byes.  *Smiles sadly*  I invited her to have a picnic with me but, between work and missing lunch she was distracted and we never got to finish.  That's too bad.  Oh well.  I am sure I will feel better tomorrow, but she won't have access to her phone for about a month.

Me
*Frowns and stops for a moment, then spins you around, as the scenery around you spins it blurs, distorts, and changes, until you are in a soft grass in wide open meadow surrounded by majestic trees. The soft moon light from a rich full moon, spills into the area filling it with enough light to see everything, sparkling flowers glitter like stars in its presence.* Care to have a picnic with me?

2:40pm
Her
Sure

2:41pm
Me
*Hands you a basket and starts to set down a thick purple comforter on the grass for you*
Whats in the basket for you Lovely?
Open it up and see.
*Peers over your shoulder as you do, looking inside.*

2:42pm
Her
Picnic on hold

2:43pm
Me
*Grins and nuzzles your neck until you return, your eyes taking on a dead cast as if the light are out and no one is home in your Avatar*

3:11pm
Her
Waiting on inspection

4:17pm
Her
I see baconz wrapped chicken. Baconz and cheese fries.
Oh wait I see a spinach salad that taste like baconz.

4:18pm
Me
LOLZ

4:19pm
Her
Pink lemonade with just the right about of sweet and sour.

4:20pm
Me
Bacon Lettuce Wraps with Tomatoes.

4:20pm
Her
For dessert fat free cheese cake.

4:20pm
Me
Oh, picking up where we left off.
Sorry, lost focus. *Grins*
Continue.

4:20pm
Her
That doesn't taste like it.
Oh chocolate cover strawberries.
A fruit plate with seedless grapes. Cuties and pineapple.
Mangos oh the taste like heaven in my mouth.
Cantaloupes so sweet and juicy
Do you like the foods? Can you eat what I have taken out?

4:24pm
Me
*Smiles* I can Love.

4:24pm
Her
Oh hold.

4:29pm
Me
*Starts arranging the food around the blanket and illuminates the area more with some pale flickering purple flames that float and drift around the edges of the blanket as if in some sort of soft dance.*

4:34pm
Her
Beautiful.

4:35pm
Me
*Smiles* I thought you would enjoy it.

4:36pm
Her
Yummy foods great company.

4:39pm
Me
Amazing company. *Looks fondly at you as he lays down on the blanket*

4:40pm
Her
Scots closer. Putting your head on her lap.
(OCC) I will get my hair done when I am out of the army. I will always get my hair done every 6 weeks give our take.

4:42pm
Me
(OOC) *Nods*
*Rests his head there, drinking in the experience*

4:43pm
Her
Slowly feeding fruits

4:45pm
Me
*Accepts them with a grin on his face, seductively biting into them while glancing into her eyes* mmmm I like the way the juice drips down my mouth, *He says with a slight chuckle, as he moves to dab his chin to remove the juices, then he sits up and offers you your own bite*

4:46pm
Her
Nibbles on offer fruit smiling into he loving eyes.

4:53pm
Her
The juices run down chin.
I want nachos when I get home.

5:01pm
Me
*Leans in close and licks the juices, and before you can protest too much, kisses you*

5:02pm
Her
Purrs and leans in to kiss.

5:04pm
Me
*Allows it to linger for a long while, before backing off and looking affectionately upon her* I love you. *Lays his head down in her lap and starts kissing her thighs*

5:04pm
Her
Oh

5:05pm
Me
mmmm
I could think of some other juices I would rather have on my lips right now.

5:06pm
Her
Purrs gentle pushes him off.

5:06pm
Me
*Grins but lets her*

5:06pm
Her
Reaches for bacon wrapped chicken.

5:07pm
Me
*Chuckles* Hungry?

*Smiles* We never ended up finishing the picnic.  I think I will feel better tomorrow.

Reflections in a Mirror: We have to give a bit of a history lesson here, to understand a few things. I met my wife back in 2005, *Smirks* I was such a virgin, into video games, self growth and that was it; to the point that I didn't even recognize that I practically lived with her for 6 months before I even realized she existed. The person I love most in the world right now, didn't even exist for me, as in I have I can't even remember her, because she didn't stand out. She was just a person who hung out everyday at this house I practically lived at, a gamer Haven, of endless LAN parties, and table top sessions. Playing World of Warcraft until I literally fell unconscious at the keyboard. *Grins* Games are great aren't they? I was in the Military at the time, and after 6 months of not knowing she existed, despite being around me most days, she transferred to my Unit, because she was going to Deploy with us. At the time, she was pretty much the only person from my gamer Haven that was in my unit, the only person I could even feel remotely connected with in my company. So, I started seeking her out, and developing a friendship. We became best friends, and when we deployed, we pretty much did everything together. She was in a relationship with one of the other Gamers I knew back then, so it stayed just a deep friendship for many months, until he cheated on her and they broke up. We just sort of fell into each other after that, our very souls collided from the tension she had been feeling for almost a year, because she was highly attracted to me from the beginning and she was the first real relationship I had ever had, *Smiles* I gave her my virginity after all. *Grins* We had a few magical months, where we truly and deeply got to know one another, I poured over her past, soaking up every story and exploit with rapt attention, every lover, every adventure, every thing. We bonded over the best and worst moments of our lives, endlessly talking and exchanging letters, and I love you's. She was the first person, who was so highly sexually charged, filled with so much desire and longing, a few words and teasing touches would make her explode. Oh, I long for that so much. That memory, the feel of her back then, hanging on every movement of my hand as it glided over her body, and I looked on her as a Goddess. We made love to each other back then, not always slow and sensual, but RAW and carnal, hard and frenzied, passionate. She got under my skin in a good way, crawled right up, and had me strung out on her. Mmmmmm, *Savors the memories* It was wondrous magnificent, magical, almost transcendent.

But we didn't use protection, and she got pregnant while we were on leave together; and, well..... to me, it felt like I lost her. She became completely consumed by fears and insecurities she had many, many bad relationships, lots of baggage, and I thought I was ready for it, I thought I could handle it, I thought I would be strong enough, but I wasn't. It was one of the reasons she was supposed to be submissive in the relationship, aside from the fact that she kinda gets off on that sorta thing *Grins* because, she recognized that she had these fears and insecurities, and that they had proven to be trouble for her in the past. The moment she had conceived our son, she warped into some profane thing, sick, and riddled with massive holes; and I was supposed to be the one to heal her.

"You don't love me, no one can love me."

"You only want me for my body."

"You're gonna leave like all the rest."

"Your only here for the child, you don't love me, your only here for him."

&July 22 2006 – This is part of an email exchange between my Ex and myself, she allowed her fears and distrust of men from past relationships, to taint ours, and entered into a period of severe crazy. Starting with the complete severing of all things sexual/physical in our lives. Paranoia, and control issues, pretty much set the stage for this entire relationship.

(((How do you really feel about me going through your
stuff?)))

I do not care about you going through my stuff. I am
not like normal people. I am just as soon to
recognize the value of having you go through my stuff
like getting to know me and keeping my email account
active when I can not log on for a while so I don't
loose old emails, as others would be to become
defenseive over their privacy. If I want to do
something behind your back there would be no way to
stop me as you said to intelligent. IE if I wanted to
order something from amazon for your birthday or
christmas and wanted it to be a suprise I would
probably create a secondary amazon account or change
the email address on my current one. Then you would
not accidentally stumble across something your
present. Havent thought about doing it before but
since that was spontaineous thought it goes to show
that if I actually want privacy concerning something I
will get it. But I have nothing to hide so *Shrugs*.
I don't mind you going through my stuff. It is a
test of character in and of itself for you to be able
to look at my past and the people or women I have been
friendly with and have you battle your own jelousy
demons. Eventually things like jelousy hopefully do
not touch our relationship. Alien thouhts on my part.

(((Your sex drive doesn't bother me hun I just want to
know I am more.)))

Was not a comment on my increased sex drive. Was a
comment on the frustration and strain it causes on it
not being met as a need to be expressed and on not
being able to bond myself the way I wanted to. Turns
me cold inside so I don't do something stupid.

(((I have though I am more and been slapped for it.)))

You are more to me and I don't know how to prove it
nor think it should be proved but recognized. I have
tried and it seems to be a battle trying to climb a
wall with no hand holds. You are so busy looking back
that you don't see me in front of you. Running away
from your fears thus letting them control you.

*A knife stab to the chest I'm bleeding. Wounded by
your actions caused by fear. Fear of me leaving.
Fear of me not truly loving you. Fear I am just out
for sex.* In your desperation running from your fears
you plung the knife in my chest unknowingly. Cutting
away asking me to be both what I am not placing me in
a box and accepting of it. I told you at the begining
I was a sexual creature but that that did not mean I
would get into a relationship built purly on sex.
You've not taken me for my word and swung the axe like
a killing blow to cut something from someone that
makes them who they are so you can pay attention to
the other threads that bind us together because that
one was distracting you. Then you see these other
threads and you still doubt and cut them to see why I
am still with you. Wondering what string it is. The
others a distraction so cut them. It is what it seems
like and feels like from me. Even when I point out
all the things you are blind to because of fear you
still are unaccepting. I show you we talk more then
you think more then sex binding us together more then
"just the baby". Eventually you may cut one to many
strings for repair on this course of action you are
on. Acceptance and surrender. You do not accept my
love and neither have you surrendered to it. Without
those two elements you will never fully feel loved
because you will not allow yourself to. You have some
repairing to do and I told you I would stick around
until you have done it. Free of past fears and a
shattered soul. It seems you mean to blast the
moutain with dynimite trying to see if it is a
mountain because surly a little dynimite would not
destroy a mountain. I said it was my job to help you
get there and that is what these words are to inform
you of your own actions, ones a person may be denying
to themselves, so you can see and do something about
them. If you can not find the problem you can not fix
it. Two elements have cut the deepest. You thinking
I only want to be with you because of sex and thus to
my perception cutting it off from me all things sexual
in order to prove it is not, surly a relationship can
survive this. *Slash one rope holding the boulder*.
And You thinking I only want to be with you because of
duty and obligation caused because of our son. Two
fears of yours that make you foucus on what I say or
ask for along those lines and each depressing you when
I do, because it only serves to strengthen your view
point. You pay so close attention looking for those instances,
that you miss everything else other then what to see,
discounting it because it is not what you are looking
for. Pushing it aside in your head. Then you only
remmember what you focused on and everything else is
gone not able to remember what else was said 'cides
that so if you can't remember it it must not have
happened. You build and manifest your own fears by
having them. And it is all I can do to try and
prevent you from doing that. *Cut the rope holding
the boulder* How many ropes are there before it
falls?

(((I'm afraid to ask question becuase I might not like
the answers.)))

As well you should be because I don't candy coat
things when I don't feel it will help. Ask me and the
truth might cut. That is if you believe it. I
profess my love often yet it still seems hollow to
you. Enough that you have to prove its existance
anyway.

(((I learned that the hard way. You do mean alot to me
and I'm sorry that My scared catness is pissen you off
but you knew I was a bit jumpy.)))

Yes it is. I accepted it as a part that needs to be
healed and changed. I am telling you these words so
you can self evaluate and heal it. I do not expect
leaps and bounds of progress but I do not expect
backwards progress that seems to be leaking through.

Love you babe. Need to go Irry is my battle buddy and
just left.

I will try to stay my safest so I can come home to you
and Stewie. Miss you alot. Your in my thoughts and
heart. Love you bye.

&July 24 2006 – I really am/was such a dreamer, I had such high hopes for us as long as she could heal... she never did.

Lo babe,

Love you.

You keep saying you want to change to be worthy of for
me. I don't know what it is about yourself that you
want to change. A few times you regret alot of your
choices in life it seems especially sexual ones and I
do not know how you mean to change them. I fell in
love with you the way you were and are. Sometimes it
scares me that you may change to much away from what
you once was and I will not know how to handle it.

You are a gamer. As such you know how to have fun
relaxing at home gaming and it could be something we
share together at times as well. Not a mix match on
life styles.

You are a warrior. Assertive and outgoing you have
strength in you that I find attractive. It is a
personality trait I find attractive. It means you
also have the potential to let me know what you want
and what is wrong, the courage to speak up.

You are a empath. Sensitivity mixed with masculinity
of the warrior creates a decent balance as long as you
strive to maintain it and so far you have. Caring and
loving you have compassion when nessisary to offset
the tom boy/Alpha female vibe you give off. You can
have a bitting sense of hummor and also be able to
comfort if it goes to far.

You are a sexual creature. Succubus to my Incubus.
You don't always like this aspect of yourself and it
seems like you want to change it but it means you are
a sexual match for me. I want to be free, open
minded, and experimentive here as well as in other
aspects. Self image I care little for. Prudishness
will probably not be liked nor tollerated. You are my
complement in so many ways I don't want you to become
disharmonious because you want to feel "worthy" I
think you are worthy to look on in love. I know you
need to feel worthy as well but don't change yourself
to much. You want to let your fear and trust issues
slip away but don't change who you are. Especially
changes I did not ask you to make.

I am adventure and not boredom. At least I try to be.
I like to try new things. I would like to take you
out to try those new things. Wether it is to a BDSM
club. A cruise we never had before. Perhaps when the
kids leave even backpack once or twice. Maybe even
try a foursome as one of those spontaneous events.
You've had one lined up once before so the curiousity
possibly plays at your head too. I am a free spirit
not prone to settleing down. But I have always
dreamed of having a family. You are a free spirit who
has let her wings get clipped. I mean to spend my
life with you and teach you to fly again. Have a
stable place a stable mate but with room to play cause
I like to play. I want you to play with me. I can be
serious when I need to be but I will not give up that
aspect of myself.

You require me to put food on the table, Keep the
house clean, Balance the books, and Ensure the kids
are clean. I can do all that. Plus help you relax
when it is needed. Show you and have you feel my love
when you are down. Be your mountain and stability
your center.

I need your love, I need you to accept my love. I
need you to be my wings when I want to fly and that
anchor so I have somewhere to come back to. You will
be my center my constant. My love my life. A
partner. Freedom to dream and drag you along with me.
*Smiles* Remember when I wanted to dress you up and
take you out? I have not stopped. Open minded and
free. Experimentive. I need to help you let go of
your ego and you ease mine. Fear of embarrassment
could place bounderies where I don't want any, so it
means a little pushing on my part.

The chocolate portion of love is what I am addicted
to. That initial high. Tests have told me and you
have told me. The same is true for you the best part
is the beginning. Boredom kicks in after. I have
spent my life in research of how to keep the chocolate
and revive it when it turns vanila. I need a non
traditional partner. Someone not scared not to be
bored. Someone who isn't going to bore me. Someone
to laugh with, cry with, explore life and have fun.
There may be boring periods as we save up to get there
but... we have fun along the way.

I am a realistic dreamer. I see the greatest
potential and the grandest dreams but at the same time
I realize what little steps are needed to get there
and am willing to go through with them.

I love you alot. I want that life partner to be you.
You are my other half if you are willing to accept it.

Eventually I am going to need you to let go of fear
and trust me to help you fly. To be free you also may
need to work on a few other things. Jelousy. If you
want to have the option open, a path not closed you
need to let go of it. To do this you need to
recognize that you are my center my home and no mater
where adventures take us at the end of the day we are
going home to be with each other.

Lets see. A little more practical.

You are a gamer so many nights are going to be devoted
to games and lounging around the house. One to two
nights a week need to be couples night. Also you need
to have a degree of flexiblity perhaps one to two days
a month I can turn in my spontainious card and even if
it is not couples night I can suprise you. Main thing
is not to get bored with each other, Sexually or
Emotionally. So when I go to take steps to make sure
that does not happen follow along and enjoy it.

We can talk of money some other time. You said you
would leave finances in my hands and I am good with
math and numbers so all things will get taken care of.

&August 31 2006 – I we were having connection issues because of the physical distance between us, so I took the time to do one of my introspection exercises. At the time, she was very much into bdsm, and desiring me to be her Master, lets just say, that never really happened, if it had, I don't think we would be divorcing right now, and her life would have probably been a lot better. The separation, is that she couldn't bring herself to allow me the control necessary to build a scrap folding for her to rebuild form.

Me: Love
Me: I love you because you love me
Me: I love you because you show
appreciation in my abillity to understand you.
Her: I love you for so many things being Donny is
one of them
Me: I love you because I see the
potiential you can become.
Me: I love you because you are stronger
then you know
Me: I love you because you need me
Me: I love you because I need you.
Me: I love you because you show a
willingness to trust in me.
Me: I feel your love after we have sex
and you sigh in contentment with me inside you.
Me: I feel your love when you whimper
cause Ive pulled out.
Me: I feel your love in your smile when
you think I am cute.
Me: I feel your love when you are crying
on my shoulder.
Me: I feel your love when you want to
share a part of who you are with me.
Me: I love you becauase you accept me for
being crazy.
Me: I love you because you allow me to
live a dream
Me: I need you to need me.
Me: I need you to not take me for granted
Me: I need you to appreciate me
Me: I need you to allow me to express
myself free of judgment.
Me: I need you to save me from being
lonely.
Me: I need you to satisfy my desires.
Me: I need you to fullfill me sexually
Me: I need you to let me dream
Me: I need you to be honest with yourself
and me.
Me: I need you to ask for my help when
you need it.
Me: I need you to lean on me when you
need to cry.
Me: I need you to accept my affection.
Me: I need you to face your fears and
free yourself from them
Me: I need you to learn to love yourself
as I love you.
Me: I need you to learn you have
potential
Me: I need you to trust me.
Me: I love to love you.
Me: I love to show my affections
Me: I love to make love to you. Sex with
your lover is making love.
Me: I need you to surrender to me.
Me: I love to stare into your eyes
Me: I love to cuddle with you.
Me: I am discontent sexually.
Me: I am feeling lonely because of this.
Me: I am feeling under appreciated at
times
Me: I am feeling as if you don't respect
my needs.
Me: I appreciate you understanding my
needs by not blowing up at me when I took the pictures
without your permission and the trust it will build
that I respect your wishes not to show them off.
Me: I appreciate the times we have had
video sessions, Showing effort on your part. But you
are still reluctant at times to make the effort and
have not initiated it once. It comes across as my
needs are a burden to you and I do not sexually excite
you anymore. Until I catch myself and say it is
because she is pregnant and does not love herself. I
then feel inadiquate to make you feel sexually
attractive for me.
Me: I love the feel of your skin
Me: I love your body
Me: I worry about how you are going to be
around the kids recongizing they pick up traits from
their parents.
Me: I worry about them picking up
impatience from you.
Me: I worry about them picking up letting
fear control them from you.
Me: I worry about them picking up divided
attention from you.
Me: I worry about what traits I have I
consider to have a negative impact on children but do
not admit to myself.
Me: I worry how you might take this
entire paper not as a means by which we can
communicate our current mental emotional state and
learn from it but as an attack which it is not how it
is meant to be received.
Me: I worry about them picking up
procrastionation from me.
Me: I worry about them picking up things
from school.
Me: I daydream about teaching our daughter and
our son math and reading
Me: I daydream about cooking
Me: I daydream about carressing your skin
and letting my eyes drink you in looking with love as
I give you a message after a hard days work.
Me: I daydream about teaching the kids
various lessions.
Me: I daydream about you being my willing
slave and how to do it with the kids there.
Me: I daydream about ordering you to
learn Kregal Exercieses for 15 to 10 min a day using
my Throbing cock to contract against.
Me: I daydream of us cuddling
Me: I daydream about using the command
you place in me to make sure we do meditation and
spiritual studies every day.
Me: I daydream about having you be a
ghoast (pretend) for one of the couples days we have
and any fantasy I have involving you durring the day
you act out as Daydream made fleash.
Me: I daydream about how to discipline a
disobediant slave but wonder what you will accept and
how it will work itself into familiy life.
Me: I love you because you are caring
Me: I love you because you have a warrior
spirit.
Me: I need you because with yout you my
world has no sun
Me: I need you because you fill me up
Me: I need you because you melt my iced
over heart
Me: I need you because I love you
Me: I need you because you complete me
Me: I love you because you are you
Me: When I see you I see your potential
Me: I love the beauty of your potential
Me: That is the excercise/assignment I
want you to do for me.
Me: I call it a mental snap shot.
Me: I wrote all that in one sitting.
Me: Night babe

&Sept 2 2006 – She responded to my introspection exercise. It just goes to show exactly how much FEAR, was in command of her life, not allowing her to live it. These fears, eventually choked the relationship, and the very life from me.

((I love you for being Donny, For letting me have my
fears and being a real man not to be like she crazy
and walking away. I love you for standing by me. I
need the strenght you give me. I need you for the
moutain you are when I am weak. I fear you cheating on
me. I fear betrayal above all else. I fear letting you
in to see me at me weak moments for fear that you will
not like what you see and walk away. I fear needing
you to do my job in the army I fear needed you to
complete my life. hmm love...I just love you for
everything you are and not and everything you will
become. I love you for everything. I hope that is
soemthing of what you are looking for because I don't
know what else to say to you. I just feel who and how
I am. right now is not a time to ask me to look in
myself I am afraid of the hurt and pain that is flying
up to get me. I have no friends really left in Ma. I
have a few people I can see but no one I will trust.
You were/are a rock through this time and I can't love
you anymore for that. You are truly someone special.
Oh yes your sense of humor is a big turn on. Oh feel
love right you want to know when I feel love from you.
Always. everything I do and say when you name is in my
head or on my lips I can feel it. that is all I can
say and do for you babe. I am a creature of feeling.
which gets me in so much trouble. ok going to bed
italmost 230am and I need to get some sleep.

tell your son to stay away from my rib cage. Love you))

*Smiles* Hey babe. I remember typing the response
too but I don't think yahoo ever sent it for me or it
was still a day dream.

*Smiles* Dispite your proclamations that you can't do
it you did just not like by line like mine. I am now
more aware of how you are feeling and what your fears
are. We can address you fears later and work through
them together. I will not let you hold apart of
yourself back out of fear for it will prevent you from
reaching true satisfaction and contentment and will
damage us in the long run if I did so. I am not
saying transformation happens overnight just that I
will be there to help you go through it.

I do love who you are now but to me seeing the
potential is natural as loving it. I don't see just
me very often. I see me growing towards my potential
which I have not met yet and may never meet. I don't
like to become a stagnant person. I do like to help
others start moving toward their potential again. So
from my perspective it is not not loving who you are
now as a person. It is loving who you are now as a
person, seeing what you can become, desiring to help
you reach this state because I love you.

I also recognized that I am alot more cause and effect
orientated so I compartmentalize alot of my
experiences. That is how it is easier for me to say
one particular thing. The truth is that I love you.
When I limit that love so I can think about why it
helps me come up with that list. Words can never
really discribe why I love you. They can just point
out rational reasons that we are in sync. I do not
focus on the why's I just allow myself to feel that
love and let it course through me pure. The feeling
is to big to be contained in the simple words I love
you. To complex. Felt deeply.

*Smiles* I love you. But because I love you I will
not let your fears control this relationship. With my
love we will defeat them. *Smiles* Remember, the day
you truly accepted me into your life is the day you
lost control. You lost control so I can give it back
to you. Real control free of the emotional scaring
from the world. *Smiles* Admiting it and placing
yourself before me only accelerates this process. I
love you but because I love you I will not let your
fears control this relationship. *Smiles* You mean
the world to me and in a breath, I would give you the
moon if I could.

*Rides up on a powerfully muscular horse who's
lusterous coat is of the darkest purple almost black.
Magnificent animal radiating power. The grinning man
atop the beast stares at you with his calming blue
eyes offering you a hand. Freedom and a life of
adventure he seems to be promising with that
guesture.*

Come accept my hand and we are free. *Smiles*

&Sept 8 2006 – We were going through some pretty tough times, she was still questioning my every action, my every word, and sometimes, when I said I love you, I got, when are you going to leave me, in return. She was so hung up on needing me to prove that I loved her. It was a very dark time in my life, and it never went away. Sacrifice, mine, cutting away at myself, the things that made me who I was, that was her love language, and as long as I bled for her, she was happy.

((You and I see life through different eyes. I am sorry you are hurt. When we fight or I talk to you about things including us and you quote books. Like last night and you did it again. I am glad you studied for so long you don't go in blind however there is more to us then a book.
I understand you. You think that holding on will make everything work out the way you want. Sometimes yes but if 20 people came up to you and said that I was sleeping with someone else would you hold on in hopes in working things out? Minus me being pregant. I am trying to say your friend is in for a world of hurt.
I love you and I undertand you better than you think. You have a stubbon streak in you that will not let you give up on us no matter what. My fears my asking for time and space. Do you want me to pull you apart to show you how much I know you.
You love me..Having a kid has been a dream come true for you. You don't want to be like your dad which is a powerful motivation to make things work. You want to be a better man. YOu don't want your kids to hate you or fear you like you did your dad. You want a woman as strong as your mom someone that can take care of them elf if the need arrives. YOu need to be needed and love. The though of being a stay at home dad has been a big daydream of yours. You want to be compasonite and loving dad and hubby. These are the things that make you tick. Am I wrong?))

From a young age I have been exposed to a lot. Hate,
cruelty, suffering, etc. Most of it I received from
my peers. I grew up no better then them though.
Where I had no one to watch my back as others tried to
kill me or beat me up I did have the ability to reign
tyranny on my siblings, through the only thing I
understood at the time. Anger is a part of my soul,
Anger at humanity, anger at its intolerance, anger at
its ability to inflict cruelty and suffering on one
another. Anger that its own stupidity is going to
destroy itself. I was in Oklahoma when the federal
building was blown up. 12 - 13 years of age I was
already desensitized to violence to the point that it
didn’t even phase me. I have had my own peers try and
almost succeed in killing me. Memories of violence
and hate fill so much of my past that it all bleeds
together. This was humanity treating me this way even
when I did nothing to provoke it. I was just the new
kid and a loner, not part of the tribe, different.
Perceived as easy prey because I usually didn’t fight
back. Aside from my brother and sister I have only
ever been in one fight in my life and that at the
direction of someone I was seeking acceptance from.
Racism, Bigotry, Hypocrisy. Everyone around me seemed
to just radiate hate. So when I say my dad is not my
motivator I can say it with a fair amount of accuracy.
Despite his failings in my eyes at the time he was
still a lesser of a much more prevalent and greater
evil around me. At least I could see the reasons why
he gave out corporal punishments. He rarely beat us
unless there was a reason to. I have receive no black
eyes from him. He did not try to kill me. Age 13-15
are when I began a lot of my conscious meddling to
learn about people. I have always been intelligent
and mature for my age. Curious. Age 15 round about
is when I finally realized that I was no better and in
some ways worse then the people I loathed. Unable to
control my anger I subjected a lot of beatings to my
brother or sister when they did not act the way I
wanted. Like my brother talked at night a lot and
would not listen when I told him to shut up, so to
put more meaning behind it I punctuated it with a
strong punch to the leg or arm etc. anywhere but the
face.

Because I didn’t like who I was and wanted to get in
control of myself I started studying and developing my
spirituality, I virtually stopped violence overnight
but still had no conduit in which to direct my
explosive anger. The years since have been filled
with my driving need for spirituality and a connection
to the Divine. I have learned a lot about myself in
those years but I use the sink or swim mentality and
purification of the self though pain approach to
accelerate my learning process. I was devoid of
teachings about love compassion patience etc. I
destroyed myself and built my self again from the
ground up with my rebirth as Silveran.

So my motivations for being a good person are: I
didn’t like who I had become and decided to change and
rediscover who I was meant to be. I did not develop
resentment towards my father until after I decided I
wanted to know how to raise and guide a life in a
positive manner. The further I moved from my old self
the more respect I lost for him but he was not what
caused me to make that move nor learn about parenting.
Humanity did. I did.

-----------------------------------------

I am not out to prove anything to you. I am no longer
going to try. I have always and will continue to do
my actions because it is what I want to do. I will
not let you taint my actions by trying to prove
something instead of originating from where they
already come from, a place of love.

I could care less about sex in truth. I went 23 years
with out it. I don’t really want it. I want to be
able to express my love in any way I choose. I look
back at who I have been during this relationship and I
am proud of who I have been and what I have done. So
if that is not good enough for you I don’t care.

I have not created prejudice based off of what I have
asked you to share with me nor what people have said
about you. With me you are a new person, all
perceived failings (Ones you think you possess)
absolved with my love for you.

A new birth a new you the moment you let me in.
I am acceptance.

I have freed myself of constraints in my past and have
given you my heart. I have shed fears and given you
the ability to hurt me so that I might allow love and
devotion to fill me.

You hold my beating heart, the pulse of love.

Even with the risk known, I jumped in. I know your
past would still influence your actions even though I
am not those men. Trust issues fear about sex.

I pay the penance for others mistakes because of my
acceptance of you and my love of you. To me it is
part of your healing process.

I have held you crying in your weakest moments and I
have heard you firmly tell me no you didn’t want to
get married even though we both wanted to, because the
people at housing needed to learn something and you
did not want to take the easy way out.

I stood by and understood your decision, I held and
hold respect for your strength.

I have given of myself without expectation. Selfless
with only thought of your happiness trying to help
your dreams come true by being part in your reunion
with your daughter.

In times of need I have been dependable, supporting
you.

I have made an effort to actually learn who you are
and your motivations. An effort few have done. I do
it because I want to know whom I love.

I have demonstrated times when I just want to help you
relax; like the time I let you sleep on leave not
wanting to wake you up and later by giving you a
message just to give you a message. Just to cherish
you and express my love.

I don’t think of you as just sex I see you as a human
being a person I love.

-----------------------------------------

I have examined my actions and I am proud of who I am
and how I have acted. Through out this entire
relationship I have done things from a place of love.
It is you who are not receptive to it because you want
proof. Proof I can’t give because all my actions can
be shaded with this impure intent you project on them.
As long as you ask that question you will miss all
the small ways I have done just to show you care
because I want to do them and show you I do. I don’t
do things to prove anything and I will not. This last
day has been hell for me trying to think of how I can
prove what I know. Almost got in trouble many times
for the absentmindedness it but me in. No more. I am
not out to prove anything accept or don’t.

I would like you to go see a councilor while you are
back there before I get home. I will make any off our
conversations available and emails or the blogs I
write. If I can manage it I will take time to go to
one myself.

----------------------------------------

Just remember that I love you. We were friends before
we entered into this relationship and we have remained
friends throughout it. I am always there for you I
will never leave you. I am dying to get home to be
with you. Aching inside because I miss you so much.
I need you. I love you. I want to be with you.

Friends first. But even friends become strained at
times. We will work through this. Together. I am
always there for you if you need me. You can rely on
my strength for support always. I love you so deeply
words can not express it. You make me happy. I am
happy.

&Sept 9 2006 – I loved her so much back then, I've never stopped actually, that might be why this hurt so much, the pain of it hurts so much.

A Love Letter

I could tell you that I love you because of . . .
Your smile
Your kisses.
The feel of your skin in my hands loving caress
The hints of mischief and play that touch your eyes

I could tell you that I love you because . . .
I miss you
You are exotic
You inspire me
You are beautiful to me.
You are colorful and interesting.
You are my Chocolate Queen and my Gypsy Goddess.
I miss the sound of your voice
You are spicy and have sass
You are interesting to me
I miss your smile
You are loving

I could tell you I love you for . . .
Your love
Your laughter
Being my solace
Giving us our son
Your understanding
The stories you have shared
The tears shed on my shoulder.
The times you’ve made me laugh
The times we have had fun together
The times you accepted and appreciated that I care.
The depth of your strength when you want to do something
The times I’ve rested my head on your lap and you soothed me.
The times you’ve brushed your hand through my hair
The comforting times you have brought me
Joining me on this rollercoaster of life
A place where I belong, by your side.
The future we shall have together
The joys and sorrows yet to come
Making my dreams come true
The memories we’ve created.
The family you have given me
The happiness you bring me
The hole in my you fill
Protecting me from loneliness
Being the light of my world

I could say all these things and mean them all, but I
love you because I love you. Because I care about you
and I care about us. You are a treat to know and a
box full of surprises. I enjoy being with you. My love
is like superglue and the moment it touched you we
were bound. Through the thick and thin, the ups and
downs through life its self. I love you.

&Sept 11 2006 – My first breaking, and a reversion to Apathy as my safe zone. In the coming years, I would pretty much live here, because she never truly got that much better, we still fought over one thing or another constantly, which generally means, she would do all the yelling, and saying mean spiteful or cruel things, and I would use the support of Apathy to try reasoning with her. Finances and Sex, the downfall of almost all couples. But to be fair, 3 years of our 6 years together, were mostly sexless because of her issues, more than that, they were depreciating towards myself.

(((You want to hear the funny thing..Evertything you have pointed out in your e-mail to me is what I tell people about you to say he loves me and if you don't belive me here is proof. I look back and I see the same thing you have e-mailed me. I do love you and thank you for deleting the pics. You didn't have to delete your porn. I understand you want to just be with me and I think alot of it had to do with the week we just had sex talk I kinda got scared. That was all me. I don't need conciling they will boot me or my fears. I know we will work our way thorugh this. I think we need to be together face to face.I am still in love with you. I still think of you daily and can get happy when I think you might be home some. I love you I need you more than I care to think about. I still need to thank you for everything you did that helped me get our daughter. I know it hurts you that our daughter doesn't want you to live with us when you get home. At least it's just so she can get to know you. She is happy that we will have amonth before you come home just me and her. I am getting paid on the 15th. Not sure about the first yet though. I love you...I talk to Japser about you all the time he knows you love him. I talk to our daughter about you I told her you asked about her the other day. I love you and miss you I was so happy to talk to you on the cell phone. I do miss you so much. I didn't realize how much of a hole in my heart that not talking to you left for me. You mean the world to me. You are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. I am scared that this will pull us apart I don't want it to. I need you in my life you make me feel better about who I am and what I've done. You don't hold it over my head you don't throw it in my face. You love me I know you do I see it in you actions I just don't want my history to repeat itself. I don't want you to walk away from us.

I say your dad is a movitation becuase you want to be a better person than he is. You work to better yourself I love that about yourself. You make me want to work at being better.

I love you and I do know love me I'm sorry if it seems like I don't know. I do know and I need you Donny. I love you Donny. Please don't end things with me. We only have a few weeks left please give us that time. I love you)))

Lo babe. I still love you. I am not going anywhere.
The thought never even crossed my mind. I was in a
real bad way after our last argument. I am still
kinda messed but it is alright. I just want a way to
be involved with you some how.

I guess the argument over the ability to express
myself sexually was triple edged. On one front you
continuing to say that you wanted to know the
relationship wasn't based on sex was like saying that
you still didn't accept the fact that I love you.
Another was I was seeking some means to reconnect with
you since I am a here now type person and physical I
was looking for a way to bring you closer to me.
Video chats and flirting were a way of doing that and
work when I am feeling the need to feel your
presence. Just words don’t work the same for me.
The last it was an effort to get you to understand
that you got involved with me knowing I was this way
as well and to help you understand it from my
perspective. I am still not sure I have accomplished
anything. I don't care anymore. meh. I know I love
you I know you love me. I also know you are a
sensual person like me but you just don't want to be
because of your past. Until you accept me as not
those other people .... *Shakes head* I give up.

The argument we had, had left me feeling real fucked
up on the inside. I had wrote some posts I do not
know if you read them or not. They are on my xanga I
decided not to put them on myspace. You may not want
to read them though since I wrote both on the day I
was all fucked up on the inside. I had left feeling
as if you didn't value anything I had to contribute to
the relationship, as if my thoughts and opinions where
superficial only good for picking out furniture because
I read books. I had also left feeling rabid with a
seed that would build into a rage extreme in intensity
about the doubts you still had in me and the love I
had for you. *Smiles* I talked to sally though
(Josh's Mom) and she helped me a lot after I had burnt
my self out during guard. The original email was
much harsher because I wrote it before I talked to her
and at the hight of my anger. Afterwards though I had
cooled down a lot. I love you much. I wrote A Love
Letter after that.

I thank you for the email you sent but I don't think
much will change until we are face to face like we
both agree on. I am feeling disconnected at the
moment (a typical response to that much anger I had
felt). Your words did not fall upon deaf ears but I
did not feel the power behind them when I should.
*Shrugs* I know I am physical person. I know I
naturally drift away from those not near me at the
moment or in contact. We maintain pretty good contact
but it still is lacking connection.

I have no intentions of going anywhere babe. Please
don't worry about it much. Not much that can me done
with the internet down anyway and me in the world of
the Jester Prince. Shutting down.

*Smiles* I did feel rather happy today though. I was
daydreaming about talking with our daughter about both
science and how to rekindle the love of learning and
about religion and god.

Lasted like 3 to 4 hours hehe. After that I ended up
writing her another letter. You never told me if you
got my letters babe.

*Smiles* I love you. I still feel love for you.
Just because I am feeling disconnected does not mean
severed and emotionless. And just because my shield
of apathy has asserted its self does not mean I don't
feel emotion. The pain of missing you so much and not
being able to deal with it just triggered my survival
mechanism and muted or turned down the volume on
emotions. I hope I can get rid of it before coming
back if not it is something we will have to work
though together again. Unsuppressing me yet again.

I love you much babe. I wish there was a way for me
to help you from here. Love you. Bye.

((( Sweetie you mean the world to me. Oh our daughter has some new rules and I think they will shed some light one what is going on in her head as far as you go.
1. You will not smoke
2. You will go to the doctors every year once a year at least.
3. You can't get fat.

These are the things she belives these are the things that caused her father to die. So she does not want to go through it again. If you can't promise these things then there will be problems. I will explain more when we are together. She said fat man can come over as long as he doesn't scare her. If he does then she will beat him.

As for us I know your hurt I am sorry about that. I want to know we have more than sex. that is all I want to know. I understand the reconnect part but is that all you want to reconnect to? that is what my big issue is. I don't have alot of time I have to go back to the company to give Holmes my EFMP paperwork from our daughter. I love you got to go. talk to you later. hoping 3 weeks and we will have our own place. Love you. So ina bout a month we might be talking online again I hope. Love you bye)))

I am done on the sex issue. Don't bring it up anymore
ok. Done.

I don't smoke. I am not a complete fatass and I do
not intend to be that way. I recognize the fact that
it is unhealthy in most situations and damaging to the
body and as such is a form of disrespect for yourself
and for the temple that houses your spirit. I plan on
trimming up a bit if possible yet beefing out. Lean
is the goal. A check up is well waranted though I
believe most doctors assistants complete incompetants.
Her wishes are in alignment with my own desires to
stay alive and healthy.

Did you get my letters?

We have shifted to 12 hour work days so it is more
like 13 to 14 hour work days. We still do not get any
days off so I work 7 days a week. Most of my day is
filled with guard duty and then sleep though we will
start the gym again as soon as they stop having
manditory stuff.

I was wondering if you wanted to get our daughter a stuffed
angel.

www.angels4kids.com

I was thinking Hot Pink unless she likes a different
color and the brown face with the My angel thinks I am
special or My angel loves me theme.

I will be sending her another letter tomorrow. The
one I wrote to her yesterday.

Anyway I think I should get some sleep. Gets pretty
draining out here.

&Sept 15 2006 – This set the tone for our relationship, in more ways than one, I have always been the one to yield to her. It didn't matter that I knew myself so well, that I recognized my own needs, they just weren't important enough to be taken into consideration, someone had to yeild, someone had to be the bigger person. That person, has always been me. How can she remain so blind, as to see, the very act of testing, of proving, is in itself wholly damaging.

Hey Beautiful *Smiles*

I am truly sorrow for the way I have been acting. I
allowed a crack to form within myself and me the
person who sees cracks didn’t see them. I have failed
you and myself.

I know how it formed. You gave me an obstacle, an
adversary to fight. He was you not feeling loved by
me or at least not seeing that my love for you has
nothing to do with sex. You even gave me something
tangible to show I had finally been able to show you I
loved you for you and not for what is between your
thighs. The proposed reward was lifting the
restrictions on us and our sexuality.

My mind naturally seeks to purge limits placed on me
without thinking. So telling to go against myself and
become unbalanced because you were unsure I actually
loved you became a test with a return to balance, a
return to me, as the reward for passing.

This struggle I engaged in happily because I like
tests so a lot of your discussions you took for
arguments but I wasn’t unhappy. Still unbalanced but
not unhappy.

I still love you and loved you at the time. I never
did anything to prove I loved you. To me there is no
need of proof. I do everything because it makes me
happy to be able to care for you and show my
affections. I started shifting away from myself
however when I subconsciously took on the test, in my
mind, thinking of all the things I have done that were
done selflessly because I love you and not to gain a
goal and started to use them to Ace this test.

Not being a test one can Ace, the frustration of not
knowing the answer; I let it consume me and grew
unhappy that there was a test at all. I should have
recognized then the crack and just stopped but I still
felt the need to have you believe that I love you and
that it is not about the sex. I guess trying to get
the reward for passing this particular test was self
defeating and has cause both of us nothing but pain.

I should have recognized you need space and time like
I have done before in the beginning of this
relationship. I should have accepted that you know I
love you but your past is still a difficult thing to
get over. I should have been paying attention but
this distance makes it hard.

I am not really discontent Mentally or Emotionally
because we still talk and laugh. We plan for the
future together, I am still Emotionally and Mentally
connected to you. It is the only thing keeping me
grounded and us together. Physically you are not here
and I want to be there so bad to be able to help you,
love you , talk with our son so he knows me, go through
the whole experience.

I have not been around pregnant females so I do not
know what you are going through at this moment but I
want to. I hate not being there for you. Sexually
you would like to put us on hold, Which now that it is
not the goal of Acing a test I can respect. To me
mechanical sex is superficial, so the act of sex would
be superficial if you didn’t enjoy it or feel
satisfied. You might not place significance on it but
I do. Not to the point that it is the focus of
anything though. I have been feeling like I am half a
person. I am sorry I let it cloud my judgment and
blind me though.

I have made commitments to myself and to you. I have
failed us both by not being as strong as I thought I
could be. The promise of patience. The promise of
understanding. Failing to see the crack form.
Allowing myself to be seeded in the first place even
if I fell pray to my natural tendencies to challenge
challenges. I am very sorry and I ask your
forgiveness.

*Tears met the eyes* Now I feel unworthy of your
love. Unclean. I am sorry babe. I miss you so much
its making me crazy. I love you more then you will
ever know.

I was reading all your old letters because you didn’t
send me an email yesterday and I ran across the one
where you had reached out to me and felt the depth of
my emotions for you once and the vastness of it scared
you. I smiled at that fact that at least once you
truly saw the ocean that is my love. Even if you
can’t right now.

I have been selfish and stupid, two things I usually
am not. I hope you can forgive me. I love you.

*Smiles with tears in eyes* I just had the song
“Don’t take the girl” play in my head.

I don’t want to lose you.

Love Donny.

&Oct 2006 – A few of her emails to me, she knew she had all these traits about herself, she didn't like them, she just felt she needed them, to protect herself. In 6 years, that hasn't changed.

(((I am sitting here watching a B horror movie. I am thinking of you a little. Wishing you were here for me to curl up with. You know how much I hate horror movies LOL. I love you alot more than sometimes I think is good for myself to even really know. I am scared that me telling you who can can can't come over will make you pissy. I know you know my reasons but still I love you. I just feel like I get to damending. I feel that I was disrespected by Jack that is why I don't waant him here in this house till he can talk to me himself and stop being an ass. Then we both know about Mannis. I am sorry if I seem like a total bitch about these guys. I am trying not to be but people piss me off and disrespect me and I don't feel like putting up with it anymore. I am to old I think to have to have to put up with it.

I feel like or been daydreaming,dreaming bad things like I said. One being that the above mentioned feel I am not good enough for you becuase I am to controlling and won't let the come over and hang out and all that. They make a point to come over and hang out knowing when I when I will be home and all that. I get madder and madder till I throw you out. You move into the barracks and are miserable. Jack and Mannis think they will have there little buddy back instead you get really really depressed. You don't do anything. I am sure they would be very happy to have you away from me. Well we do works things out eventually when you tell them to fuck off. I am trying to be nice and not say no they are off limits. I figure you can still hang with them as long as it's not near me LOL or this house. No I don't know what is going to happen to me and sarah's friendship. I see her leaving Jack there is no one there to run interferance LOL. Excpet Kerstin who tells people this is what you need to do or what I would do and if you don't listen well. Usally her advice is to be hard and mean. Sarah is not that type and will just walk away from him or loose herself till she is miserable which she already has been doing. Yea I've done that a few times myself. I finally see what Sara's been saying all along about him and I am sorry for the bad advice I have given ` her or when it looked like I took his side. I miss her friendship sort of I miss having someone to talk to and brag about you or wench about you. I am lining here in bed after a hot shower and thinking of you again. Wondering if I am the wrong person for you if you deserve better than me and the life I am going to tke away from you. You seem happy now but what happenes in a few years will you still want to be with the crazy lady?

I am sevcure sort of in who I am the crazy lady. Yet I want to be with you and be happy. I am afraid to wish that you are the one I have been waiting for all my life. I am kinda tired and going to bed myself. I just wanted to put out soemthing going on in my head. I know you always want to know but I am scared of hurting you or you taken things personal which is why I don't share all the time. Still worried your gopoing to pull a Wrong still worried your going to wake up and be like FUck this shit and leave me. I am taken a chance still thought please don't hurt me. I love you
ok well going to read then crash be good come home safe and soon.)))

(((I love you. Just writing this to say I love you. You mean the world to me. I want to be a family with you. We already have 2 kids to start. Well really three just one is not going to live with us for a bit. I am scared that you won't get a european out or that They will start my chapter paperwork before we can fix things. I want a happy life with you anda good life with you. You promise me both and I am holding you to it. Our life better be good and happy and complete. I love you and need you. I feel you will be a good wife and mother to my kids LOL. I like you stock as well so if we have another one he/she will be healthy like our son is. I am so happy to be with you. I love you and miss you. come home safe we are doing a count down. you will be home soon so be extra safe. I am so looking forward to being here and making a life for you and our family. I hope you can handle it. If you have any doubts please pull out now. We can make it without you but I need to make things happen if I need to do that. I will admit it will be easier to do with you than without you. I am happy to be with you. Please be happy with us and work things out with me. We are doing well right now and I am happy with things as they are till we fight again because of the distance. I am surprised at how well we are working out. I am not looking else where for anyone. No one is even cute to me. I was looking at you after about a month or so away from "Wrong". Yea I was looking at you for a few fun nights. Yea I did think of cheating on Wrong with you. I was very much into how hot you looked. I could talk to you and was very into you. When things ended with "Wrong" I was kinda relived when my shock was over with. Then you were there when I need a sholder to cry on. You made me feel better and helped the healing process. I know it sounds wierd that I was crying over someone I was going to cheat on but I didn't cheat on him not the way I wanted to. You I can't even think of what it would be like to be with anyone else. Granted I miss the flirting and all that but I have the boys we do harmless flirting sometimes. Not as much as we did before though. I guess I don't feel pretty anymore. I feel fat and have more needs than I did before. My needs are to make my house a home for my kids. I want my kids to feel love and have a happy childhood. That is what I want out of life. I want someone to grow old with and share life experences with. Someone I can trust and be happy with not feel like I am pushing them someone who is my equal. I want someone who I can share things with that wouldn't be a jack ass. I need someone who will be my rock when I get flighty. Someone who will let me and pull me back in when I get to flighty. Someone I can get crazy with once in awhile and not hae them look at me like I am crazy. Someone I can show all my different parts to and they will excpept that as part of who I am and not hold it against me. Someone I can be myself with and not be afraid. That is the biggest thing I want to not be afriad anymore. Since my ex-husband I have been afriad of things in life. I use to live more before him. He made me gun shy. I still hold back from being close to you for the reason that you might still hurt me. He hurt me more than I will admit to myself. Please no lies and lets work through things as best we can. I want to know if you can deliever? Can you be all those things? Can you love the darker parts of me? Can you love all of me?

I know I don't always listen to you about things. We will work on that when you get home. As you prove more and more I am just crazy LOL. I am learning to trust you as the days go by. I don't think you are going to cheat on me as much as I use to. I am starting to feel safe with you. Which is alot for me to do after the hurt I have been throught. I'm sorry it has taken so long for me to trust you. I was kinda scared leaving you in Kuwait with Kate. I know I am being silly I knew you did have a crush on her. I know that she was looking for something and I got you and she felt I was lucky. I don't see Kate doing that but after I found out about Lowe I started to distrust people. I went through more distrust at that point and again I am sorry but you took that in step. Ok my girl is crazy. I don't know how you put up with me but you do and I love you for it. I still think you are the greatest guy in the world. I think I so lucky to have you in my life even if you don't know it. I am happy that you decieded to take a chance with me. thank you. ok well I am going to go I think I am tired. I love you)))

&Nov 3 2007 – Often times, my Ex had the tendency to take everything said about her behavior, no matter how diplomatically put, in the worst possible way, this has also not changed. It actually got MUCH MUCH WORSE.

Lo Babe.

Three days is not an unreasonable amount of time to have communications go blank. Deal with it. Durring Christmas you are not going to be able to talk to me or our daughter for a few weeks most likely. I told you when you went down range that I don't expect to be contacted but once to twice a week and for you to not expect more then that from me either.

Considering previous track records with me and long distance communications I would quit your bitching. I try to stay logged into yahoo messenger as much as possible and I answer your emails with regularity. If you choose to make the least of everything then you are going to have a very unhappy experience in Iraq. I am on the computer less then 4 to 5 hours of the day and those hours generaly only when the kids are in bed. Communication with you is starting to feel like a job and people tend to shy away from stresses when they are trying to unwind from the day.

Now I am glad that you were able to get on yahoo and inform me about the VTC because I had no idea what you were talking about in that mail. The first portion of conversation was pleasant and it was good to hear from you. The last portion of conversation was unpleasant however and could have been avoided by any of the following actions instead of throwing a tantrum. 1) "I am sorry but when I can't get ahold of you for a few days we are going to have to work out something incase I need emergency funds." 2) "Once I get my PayPal working on my account I won't have to use the one for the main account. My intentions were good and I promise I won't do something like it in the future unless it is an emergency can we talk about something else please. I want our talks to be more positive then this. I know I tell you to communicate with me but I don't want everytime I log in to turn into a bitch fest. :p. Love you babe." 3) "I realize that getting those cloths was not an emergency but my intent was to pay for them myself. I am sorry for trying to use the main account before telling you because I relize that that money goes towards food and bills. Thank you for paying for it though. I suppose that since I was planning on buying it with my own funds that when I couldn't I just didn't want to let the order time out so I tried to use the main account to pay for it. You know how skiddish I get when we don't talk. I am sorry though and I won't do it again."

Any number of responses could have worked. Instead my attempt to convey my disappointment in a constructive and not attacking way was recieved as an attack and the response was alot less constructive then any of the three above.

Me (11/3/2007 11:35:14 AM): I know you meant well but when you said you tried using my paypal but didn't know the password a flare fo anger spiked that you were trying to use it in the first place instead of asking me.
Her (11/3/2007 11:35:28 AM): I know that but since I didn't know the password I could do anything. You notce though that I don't want the password
Her (11/3/2007 11:35:35 AM): I was just doing it this once to pay for the clothes

-Start the Tantrum-

Her (11/3/2007 11:36:16 AM): You mean not hearinf from you in three days
Her (11/3/2007 11:38:48 AM): I have to go
Her (11/3/2007 11:38:55 AM): I got to get ready for guard shift
Her (11/3/2007 11:39:11 AM): I did what I had to becuase my husband didn't talk to me for 3 days
Her (11/3/2007 11:39:15 AM): next time keep talking to me
Her (11/3/2007 11:39:28 AM): I understand you yahoo messenger took a crap
Her (11/3/2007 11:39:50 AM): however I try very hard to make up for me not being there but that is not good enough I guess
Her (11/3/2007 11:40:11 AM): I will just sit here ane miss my family and do nothing but bring home money...They don't need me I guess
Me (11/3/2007 11:40:26 AM): You done?

Now I was just trying to let you know that I was displeased with you trying to take money out of the main account without making sure that I had all the bills paid and the food bought. Getting those clothes for our son was not an emergency and you should not have tried to take the money out of the account with out me knowing about it. It is the principal of the matter not the effect. The effect is that there was no harm done we had plenty of money in the account to pay for it and I did speedily and with haste once I was informed of it. The principal is what if I had decided to make a payment to Donna this paycheck or pay off more towards the car and the password was not one you did not know. My informing you that your attempt to take money from the main account before clearing it with me caused me displeasure was not an attack. The words I used were not flagrantly meant to beat you down and make you feel like dirt. They were used to impress the importance of the message I was trying to get across and to solicit a confirmation that you understood the message. The message is I have been given custody of the main account under the direction to support our family and to try to alleviate the pressure of the bills we have incurred. I can not fullfill that if I have to wonder if the amount of funds in my account is the true amount or if you may have bought something and it hasn't shown up yet. It is not an attack it is an admonishment letting you know not to do so in the future. If you did not notice all the times I buy something not dirrectly related to fullfilling the above stated purpose I still clear through you even though I control the main account. I asked to buy isk and I let you know I was starting up wow but that I was using a trial account and that someone else was going to pay the first month of it. I also strive to let you know the bills I have paid after I pay them.

If your response to constructive communication is to throw a tantrum then that is going to make me desire to communicate with you less. I know that you desire to hear from me everyday and that you would like every single one of your emails replied to. I am sorry for not responding to all of your emails but answering your emails stresses me out at times as well. I am on the computer generally only from 21 to 00 and then sometimes I am not on at all.

Well I suppose I will keep the sweet and the sour seperate.

To Be Cont.

Lo Babe,

I have come to realize something that I am truly sorry for. The vast majority of our correspondences have been about business or to answer a specific question. I haven't actually taken the time to just sit down and let you know that I still care.

I love you with the whole of my heart and miss you everyday.

The softness of your loving caress upon my skin when I am sad.
The tender kisses stolen in the tender moments.
Your smiles that light your face when we play.
The warmth of your lips upon me.

So many things I miss while you play in the sandbox.

*Smiles*

You are in my thoughts as I lay in bed awake at night. Not thoughts of worry or discord but of remembrances and longings. Thoughts that mist my eyes.

I do not worry for your safety for my love brings you back to me safely. A soft velvety presence that wraps is self around you sheltering you from harm. The thoughts I have dwell not on the present or future but of past. A sense of loss dances in my heart at these times, not a permanent loss just an out of place one.

This deployment isn't as hard on me for stubborn like a mountain I am and firm in my conviction that you will return to me safe and unharmed. But your presence is missed, and I do love you. I fear more how you hold up mentally in these times as unlike me your mind more fragile and the sense of loss stings you more. I have only lost my companion for a short time and know she will make her way back to me. You poor child have lost your companion, your son, your daughter and your home. That centering place from which you draw your strength. So I have come to let you know that it is still here awaiting your return with smiles and hugs.

We love you.
We miss you.

I love you.
I miss you.

Have faith in me and I shall not let you down. *Smiles* I am your mountain and your strength. And though you have traveled vast distances like a mountain I rise up into the air so that all you have to do is look over your shoulder to see me and smile in remembrances of your home.

I wish you well on this sojourn.

Your love.
Donny.

& We fought so much, and so often, or rather I tried talking rationally about her behaviors that were detrimental to us as a couple, and she would decide to take it the wrong way and start a fight. Finances were one of our biggest issues, she placed me in charge of ensuring that the household ran smoothly, and that the kids were taken care of, but she constantly and impulsively shopped. She would buy things for the kids, like toys, or snacks and treats. She would buy things for herself, like books and movies, or games, or electronic toys. She would start something major like school, and not follow through, costing the house needlessly, she would pressure me into some financial decisions I was leery of, the worst one the both of us are responsible for is Direct Buy, unless you are rich, avoid them like the plague.

Also, the email exchanges between me and her, any form of written communication for that matter, is generally FAR more pleasant on the receiving end, then the general culture and atmosphere I was exposed to. She did continue cutting strings, and tried desperately hard to push me and my affections away, so she could have her “proof”. I took the abuse all in stride, I cooked for the parties I would be ridiculed and humiliated at, (Well I would have felt humiliated if I was a normal person, mostly I felt annoyed at the necessity of it, for her to feel loved) as she demasculinated me, called me names, made crude jokes at my expense, and otherwise demonstrated that she had the man of her dreams, because she could do all this and get away with it, because she found someone that she could finally prove to herself loved her, by the very mistreatment of him, and his lack of going anywhere or general complaint at the time. I eventually did have to ask her to tone it down years later, it was just getting too old, and was starting to make me resent her. I also, took the physical disconnect as best I could, it really is an essential part of me, and under the constant mental and verbal abuse, I had to keep my Apathetic Shell intact in order to not have a breakdown.

& November 24, 2007 - It is true, that as the strain of the near constant negativity of my situation got to me, and I shut down, so did my desire for communication beyond what was necessary to function. She felt the strain of this, but when almost anything conversation that goes on for long enough degrades into a temper-tantrum and conflict, because nothing ever changed, it inspires a lack of desire to... well... communicate.

(((I have been reading your old e-mails to me. You use to use such pretty words. They entered my soul and made me see you as someone I can see myself with. You don't use those word anymore. Now that you have me your no longer all lovey dovey. You are all business. We talked about my fears of you and now I am not so scared you don't talk like that anymore. Where those words only to get me to marry you? Well I am married to you now you win. I also am not as scared anymore about you walking/running away from me. We have a family I think you like your place in it. You are so domastic where I am not. I think sometimes I don't say thank you enough. I love you though. Thank you for being a good wife. Thank you for being a mountain in the storm that is my life.)))

*Smiles*

The words are always there lovely. Just family life
does not afford the downtime nessisary to let them
pour from my soul on to the paper.

*A faint smile brushes his lips with a slight hit of
mischief and with a movement of his and light seems to
condense and dance like fae folk swirling around until
finially the start to merge into a flowery image held
in his hand. The lights fade and all that remains is
a rose. Deep and dark in color to suite the somber
yet still loving mood*

When the souls speaks it is with a passion held by a
flood gate. My words wash over you like a warm breeze
soft, carressing, comforting. *Smiles his half smile
as he grabs your chin to force your gaze to his* I
love you truly lady. May my words be like a soft
inviting kiss when you need it. For I am yours and
you are mine. *Winks*.

Love you.

&She was right, she didn't say thank you enough, and didn't fully appreciate all the things I did for her back then, she really did just bring home the paycheck, and then mostly check out, I think we both did, she should have put forth the effort to undo the damage she had done, repair us, but she didn't. I never lost the love though, the affection, the caring.