December 23, 2012

• Reflections in a Mirror: Unnamed

  Reflections in a Mirror: I have no motivation to write right now, so I am hoping that just rambling will jar some thought loose in this head of mine, and that I might capture it as it spills out on to these pages. I did vaguely want to talk about the nature of subjective reality. I was thinking of the Iconic imagery associated with love and affection for me, and thinking about just how much culture, society, and our life experiences shape our subjective experience, and our general reactions to and toward life. I grew up in the pages of books, I watched very little tv as a child, but I fell in love with fantasy. My role models, and my heroes were all fictional. Dragonlace's Rastlin, Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Tanis Half-Elven, and Kitiara Uth Matar. Milamber/Pug, Nikkor, Jimmy the Hand, Authra, Tomas, and Rupert Avery from Raymond E. Fiests novels. There are plenty more, but most of them are antihero's, or off the beaten path. They inspired me, the magic I found in those pages, were the only sources of love, pain, pleasure... Life, I was exposed to. Left mostly to my own devieces, I drank it in, I lived inside the stories, and breathed life into the pages. I cried into those books, such beauty I did see, such powerful stories and images. But, I took in the romanticism, the fantasy courtesan, the ideals of courtship, the magic. My notion of romance, was one of tender caresses, loving kisses, soft looks, and emotional vulnerability. When I imagine myself, staring into the eyes of my lover, pouring my soul into her, brushing the hair out of her face, so I can see her eyes, letting my hand brush down the sides of her face and across her cheek, with the back of my fingers, lovingly and gently caressing her, drawing her forward, into a soft embrace that builds in tempo and passion, until we are both consumed by it (all with a predatory taint because I favored antihero's after all, dark seduction); it is something that pulls at me, sings to me, makes me sway to its music. But, those images are mine, those actions are mine, the value in them is one I placed there, from my memories, my experiences. That soft touch across the cheek of someone who didn't have those, could just as well be annoying as it is enthralling. Our subjective realities, are our own, and if we aren't aware of that, someone who pulls away at our tender caress, could hurt, sting, and stink of rejection; but only because of your failure to see the intrinsic truth that subjective realities bring into the picture. Your world, your view, the ideas and context you bring to something, are not often times as intrinsic as we like to believe, it is you empowering them, you giving them meaning, weight, and significance. The more firmly that reality, that truth, settles into your bones, the more easily you can deal with discrepancies when they come up. The easier it is for you not to take things personally, and actually start working toward solutions, not focusing on the problems. To blame the books, or to blame culture, or to blame TV; its all pointless. But to accept the reality, and work from within it, to understand the dynamics of subjective reality, empowers you, frees you from a slaved existence, externalizing everything. Then, when they pull away from your touch, it doesn't automatically evoke rejection, hurt, or anger; you don't react because their reaction isn't in alignment with your wishes or views of how things should work. It frees you from the expectation, and instead invokes curiosity, it makes you wonder... Why? It allows you, to start making your partner happy, the way they receive and view love, the way they want to be touched, and understand the importance, of how and why they touch the way they do. You find it out from their stories, you listen to them when they are speaking passionately, because passion tends to resonate with their core. You see it in their movies, and their books they think of highly, you see it in everything. Learning about your loved one or ones, is an amazing experience if you let it be, an empowering experience. There need to be more people in the world who can jump outside of their own existence and view of the world, and place themselves in the world of others. I mean literally feel like you walked a mile in their shoes. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of a loveless marriage. We say loveless, but there is always love, we just don't feel it at times, or it isn't as great as our own. That tiny flame, but a pale reflection, of the raging fire in ourselves. Sometimes understanding just isn't enough, sometimes, you get burnt up by your own intensity, sometimes, sometimes, things just suck. I remember listening to my Ex for hours, laying my head in her lap, nothing more pressing in life than being there with her, being present with her, and listening to her. Exploring who she was, her passions, her dreams. Sharing myself with her, and getting so wonderfully in sync with one another, that my whispers brought her shivers, and my touch, mere touch, a soft tingle up the thigh, into a firm grasp and a gluttonous look from myself, as her moans of pleasure filled the room. So sexually charged, so fully, maddeningly, passionately, one with one another, that I played her like a finely honed instrument, time and time again, making such sweet and wonderful music. I lost her, she died 6 years ago, and I have no idea who this stranger I moved in with is. I cried a little, and died a little each day, feeling like I was taking care of some invalid. Wondering if she would ever get back to who she was, the person who told me in those stories, the music we made together. Life is so bittersweet at times. I recognize now that she is well and truly lost, but I still don't want to be so separated from her, such a lack there is. Everyone should experience something as wonderful and wondrous as we were when we started out. Everyone should allow themselves, to step out of their own reality, to well and truly explore their lovers, so they can make such sweet music. Everyone should be so firm and bold, and confident that they bare their soul to the experience, let it burn away everything. Let the magic in, let the life in, let the love in. I mourn the most, that her fears and insecurities, so filled her heart, had such a claim on her soul, that it left so little room for me, to love me, she couldn't do it to the fullness, she held back. But, there are some wondrous moments in there. Treasured gems. Maddening reality is at times.

  Anyway, that is all I have for today. May peace be with you, and find the magic.

  • 7:42 pm
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