December 18, 2012

• Generic Post: Monday, 17th of December

  Life: This weekend just goes to show, that even people with high degree's of self awareness sometimes live life unconsciously. It took me three days to become aware of an emerging pattern of thought and behavior that I ultimately found useless.

   

  I still have very deep feelings for my Ex. That is one of the reasons I can not stay in the relationship and work it out, the depth of feelings also means that when she is as she likes to say: “A bull in a china shop” I hurt very deeply. When I throw myself into a relationship, I hold nothing back, and I committed myself beyond 100 percent, so that even when I fell short of the mark, I would still land near the top. That level of devotion inspires pretty intense feelings, that I have mostly had to detach myself from, for most of this relationship. *Feels himself going off on a tangent, and redirects his focus* The point is, I still have strong feelings for my Ex, and even though I am the one who is pushing to leave the marriage this time (Because of my Ex's anger issues and volatility, she has tried to kick me out of the house and divorce me, among other things, in states of anger and haste that she really didn't mean, because at the end of the day, despite my many failings at the time, I was the best thing that ever happened to her. If you are curious as to those failings, most of it was the severe detachment I developed in order to survive the constant hostility and negativity, I shut down around her mostly except to ensure that I took care of the kids and the house, other than that I check out in order to escape the pervasive hostility, and negativity that just saturated my life back then. She freely admits she was a horrible person back then, and one of the things she loves most about me, was my dedication and devotion toward seeing things through. *Smiles* It warms me to see how much she has changed and grown over the years, even if it isn't enough at present) Even though, I am the one who has decided it is time for me to leave, after this latest outburst. I still love her, I still have fondness, affection, and longing. Longing. In The Monster, I likened her to heroine, a drug as damaging as it is addictive, and after our last altercation, true to her word (kinda), she has withdrawn her affections (except for all the times she sends mix signals, like flirting, etc.) and I am experiencing withdrawals (and it is kinda maddening, just saying).

   

  My Ex and her Lover have never been closer, and the level of affections they display towards one another paints the contrast to my own situation, and it hurts. It almost feels as if, now that I am out of the way, they can finally flourish. *Sad smile* But I know that is not the case, it is just now that I am leaving her, she is craving comfort and affection. She doesn't have to feel the loss as deeply as I do, because she has someone to share it with, and to take her mind off of it. I still long for her, burn inside for her, love her; and it hurts. I do not struggle with jealousy (jealousy mostly stems from a sense of ownership, and a deep seated desire for exclusivity), but I am struggling with envy, because my desire for my Ex, is still present, and still as strong as ever. I have lately been feeling a fair amount of hatred toward my Ex's Lover. There is a contrast to the feeling of warmth I get when I think about her happiness, actually seeing it, coupled with that longing, and how sudden her affections were cut off, stings. Love just doesn't vanish overnight, its warmth doesn't just disappear, and in a situation like this, where Love isn't allowed to manifest naturally, that warmth starts to burn, and smolder into Hate. The flip side of the same coin, one emotion expressed in different ways.

   

  This weekend spiked for me, because he is developing courtship with the wife of one of my Ex's Friends; and she was over at the house. We drank and played board games, and I sat on one side of the table, while he was being lavished with the affections from both of them, once again coming face to face, with my own disparity. The human mind tends to do two things when faced with hurt, feel it, or transmute it. Feeling it, allowing it to be and recognizing that it does hurt, but that feeling hurt is ok, is the constructive way of handling it, and not the way most people, or I took it. I transmuted it, rather than feel it, into hatred manifesting as Envy. Here is this person, this gift to my Ex, that I took into my house for her happiness, to give her the things she wanted from me, but are things I intrinsically knew, I could not give her without being inauthentic to and with myself. Here is this person, I am being compared to, who is being used as ammunition in our fights against me, as why can't I do this or that, because he does it. (failing to recognize that I allowed him to be here in the first place, as a recognition of things I could not give her, because they were not me.) Here is this person, whom is engaging in a courtship with a very close friend of the family, in our home. Two defining aspects, that are a primary source of conflict between me and her. The primary, source of my decision that I could no longer remain in the relationship because of the lack of reciprocation. Being flaunted in front of me, the biggest hypocrisy in existence, a profane thing.

   

  Alcohol and strong negative emotions do not mix by the way, because evidently by the end of the night, I had made a slight ass out of myself. *Grins* Nothing overly damaging, but still in poor taste. I apologized to him for it, but I have yet to do so to her. I don't think I will. Anyway, the point of it all, is that it took me 3 days roughly to actually become conscious of my own thoughts, recognize that the way I was behaving and manifesting my own thoughts, was not in alignment with who I wish to be, who I am when I am not running on empty. I took the time to go though my detoxification rituals, re-balance and align myself, remove the resentment and envy, replace it with something better, and more constructive to the situation. Regaining my sense of peace, balance, and acting from a place of authenticity (because you can only be authentic if you are acting from a place of conscious thought, rather than emotional reaction; even if you ultimately “chose” to allow yourself to continue to engage in the self destructive behavior, failing to recognize it as a choice first prevents it form being authentic), has lead me to my current state; which feels, in comparison, infinitely better. It allows me to reflect back to all the beautiful moments and memories I will take away from this journey, many of which has happened, and only could happen, because of the presence of my Ex's Lover. It allows me to focus on the hurt, allow it to be, so it works itself out, rather than manifesting unconstructive actions, that will only feed on themselves. Will it still sting to see the lack in my life reflected in his abundance, especially because of my own emotional investment and involvement with my Ex, and this entire situation being essentially inescapable? Yes it will, but, I do not have to allow the negative emotions to manifest. I can take the moments when it hurts, because of my own longing, retreat to solitude and shed my tears in peace, in mourning, because my Ex is worth a few tears. My longing is ok, this sadness is ok, and knowing that allows me to act from a place of kindness when I would otherwise react from a place of hurt. What good would come from it? I am not better off, and bringing her down, undoing all the good I have done to spite her, does nothing for me. Any transitory feeling of satisfaction (which I know I would feel in seeing that bitch get hers) is not worth it, and does not feel as good as manifesting my current state of mind. I can not deny that those feelings exist, I am not a very nice person underneath it all, even if my actual actions speak a different story 99 percent of the time. I am a sociopath after all, but I don't have to act like one. *Smiles*

   

  Even the most practiced of us, who devote the majority of their life towards living consciously, will slip. It happens, and it happens most often when your life situations are at their worst; and engaging in destructive behaviors, or indulging in vices in pursuit of transitory highs, are the things that lend themselves most readily toward expression, because of the natural disposition of short sightedness, that is human nature. There in lies the value in knowing yourself down to the fibers of you being, wholly and fully. You become in alignment with your far reaching goals in life; life doesn't need a plan, but it does need a destination. Because it is having one, that allowed me most, to reach down and pull myself out of that potentially devastating spiral I was on. Do I make mistakes, yes. Do I learn from them, I try. But in the end, I am only doing the best I can, which doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to do it better next time.

   

  Nameste and may peace favor you.

  • 10:00 pm
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