December 13, 2012

• Generic Post: Thursday, 13th of December

  Life: Things around the house are mostly back to normal, my Ex occasions a smile my way and talks to me, telling me how her day goes (unfortunately most of her talks are more complaining about how her day has gone, and I generally do not like hearing about things like that. Might be one of the reasons she felt disconnected with me over the years. In general I don't like to complain, although I make exceptions to show a person they could always have it worse, and then it is the spirit of education rather than feeling disparaged at my lot in life. Once you take complaining about one's lot in life off the table, 90 percent of all communication vanished in our house. It isn't that I didn't have things to say, I just heard, “Things like that make my head hurt” generally speaking. I still listen, and ask questions, but I know the lack of enthusiasm bleeds though.) (This is where I do my complaining *Winks*, but it is still a fair and accurate depiction of my reality)

  There is still mostly a lack of any physical connection, aside from me tenderly kissing her forehead sometimes before she heads off to bed. I am not as depressed by it though, perhaps the bulk of it was in the pretending I didn't even exist. I still long for physical connection, but she has made it clear that as long as I am in the house, no one I develop any affections for is welcome there. So, even though I am a physical person, and I long for physical connection, I have not been seeking anyone out at present, because that would only magnify everything. Because even if I did find someone who was willing to chill with me, go out do things, and then come home and relax; being the primary care manager of the children keeps me in the house. This house is my life for the foreseeable future, until I am in a position to correct that, and it is inhospitable for living. I can exist here, but I find living here to be difficult. I have little opportunity to go out and make friends, I never had through the entirety of this marriage. Everyone I have become friends with, has been directly or indirectly linked to my Ex in some way, just because I allowed her and the family to become the entirety of my life. Because we chose me to be the stay at homebody, I did not feel the same sense of entitlement towards the money that was being made, granted we were supposed to be partners, but I always placed the family before myself when it came to spending. My Ex, did not, still doesn't, she is too impulsive, and addicted to the the “self love” she feels when she goes on spending sprees. Granted, half of the things she bought were for the kids, but she would miss allocate funds towards snacks and items that were not needed, before necessities were taken care of around the house. Living paycheck to paycheck, and taking nothing aside for myself, I didn't have the funds in order to have a life outside of the family (which is one of the more important things a significant other can do in order to keep the relationship strong, because it helps stave off becoming burnt out, gives you things to talk about, cultivates more human connections to draw on in times of need). To be honest, I am leaving for two reasons: Her financial irresponsibility and the damage it has caused towards myself and the family, Her desire to overprotect from feeling hurt, to the extent that she controls all aspects of life, ether by force or threat of force. Both of those, are creating an environment where I am only allowed to exist, and existing sucks. *Shrugs* Those are my current and past circumstances, not my future, and within half a year I should be in a position to correct this, and if I am not, I will find a different way.

  Anyway, back to off of the tangent, I suppose feeling connected to someone is important to me, *Smiles* My wife's Lover is switching to Day-shifts, so he will be around more during the time frame she is also home. I suspect I will be seeing them being more affectionate towards one another in the future, and I don't know how this is going to affect business as usual. He makes her happy, but because she externalizes her happiness and doesn't cultivate resilience with an internalization of happiness, he is going to eventually hurt her. Just as she was so sure I would do, *Sad smile* She would exist in a better state of joy if she could learn that adding skills and tools to work on herself as she pleased, isn't some profane thing, and that people out there might have something of value to add, other then compliments and cocks. Anyway, I digress. In the past, he has shown immaturity, and irresponsibility.

  The first such irresponsibility, is a failure to keep promises, towards me, when he and my Ex engaged in rampant sexual activity sans condom; in-spite of three separate admonishments, leading to the ultimate life changing event of a new addition to the household.

  The second, I recognized that he was fulfilling aspects of my Ex's current needs/wants I was incapable of fulfilling without changing myself drastically, he didn't have the burden of history behind him, and he could make her feel loved. So when presented with the opportunity to either toss him aside (and probably be resented for it and causing my Ex more hurt and pain, also disrespecting my own values) or embrace him. I chose to embrace him, and he came to stay with us briefly, and left just as briefly. My Ex was majorly hurt, and I held her in my arms as she cried many times over him. Because of his lack of communication, her fears and paranoia, many things. I held her as she cried over another man, mourning his loss, with me trying to reassure her that it wasn't so, and she just needed to give him time to get things sorted out. She felt guilty more than once, because she knew she was spiraling into depressions, and didn't want to turn to me for comfort, because she knew she couldn't do the same if things were reversed. But I held her, I comforted her, I took care of her, and the house, as she shut down. My affections for her were/are unconditional, and I am not the type of person to rub her face in it saying I told you so.

  The third, he is extremely volatile and transient, he drinks in order to escape his depressions and skips work, getting fired, or quitting. He has been through many jobs, and is already looking at quitting the one he is at. So, while he may have a job, where I don't, so he can occasionally buy her things she can't buy for herself (Being a materialistic person, she desires this greatly), his net impact on the household is detrimental. He spends his money on vices and her, while neglecting his obligations to the house because of the motorcycle and insurance he has currently coming out of the main account. Although, since I have abdicated my role as financial manager and have not been admonishing her for her impulsiveness or irresponsibility when she displays it, I have never seen her happier. Other than our two week period of bliss we had at the beginning of the relationship. *Grins* Ironic that she can love him more because of his failings, because he feeds into her own. I truly do wish them well when I step out of this house, and I am happy to grant them this honey moon period where reality rests on my back as I still strive to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as possible without handing out admonishments that her behavior needs to change because the children are not adequately dressed, and the house doesn't have what it needs to function properly. I took so little for myself, and tried my best to allow her and the kids to have what they wanted, not just what they needed, but it wasn't quite tangible to her, because I was to be resented for all the times I needed to say no, rather than understanding the personal sacrifices I was making for her and the kids so I didn't contribute to living pay check to pay check. At most I spent 360 including all vices and entertainment, a year for myself. A relationship shouldn't be built on sacrifices.

  I do not predict that their future will be beautiful. I hope it is, but when I am realistic about it, the happiness and joy I see in this house at present, I do not think will last. I have been the glue and grease of this relationship for so long, holding everything together, taking the punishment, and not responding in kind. I know she has been hurt many times by my words; the truth hurts, I understand that. It sucks to be told, that the account does not have enough money to go do this trip you really want to do, because of all the books an games you bought the month before; or that we can not buy the crib, because we already have something similar that serves just as well, besides the kids do not have any clothing that fits them and it would be better to put the money there. I understand that it hurt, and hurts. I am not blind; but, it should not hurt and, it would not hurt me if I was on the receiving end; but her tendency to not love herself, to self depreciate herself, turns all of those instances into something she can point to and say, “that's my fault. I'm a shitty person and he is calling me a shitty person.” Hence the massive amount of resentment I have received over the years for fulfilling the position she placed me in. I am so glad I do not have to do it anymore, I can choose silence, because it isn't my responsibility to speak up anymore. It feels so good to not be that person that has to be the punching bag because I have to be the one to say no. I really dislike being the bad guy for being responsible. I know how to have fun, I know how to enjoy myself, and how to spend responsibly to that end. I am not a scrooge, cheap, or a miser. I am conscious, conscious of where the money is currently going, and where it would be better suited towards going, in this case. I resent being resented, for ensuring the survival of the family.

  Glue and grease, so many times she has trashed on me, trying to throw me away, and out, over trivial things. Almost all of her fights, were over me informing her on the many various ways her behaviors were causing determent to the household, her feeling hurt over it, and me dismissing those feelings because I did not in fact call her a piece of shit when I said it, she put those words there. So many times she twists what I say, so she could take offense to it. I think she needed to do it so she could focus on her anger at me, rather than her own sense of self loathing, it hurts less that way, to face reality. It became all to typical for me to try giving constructive criticism, her getting defensive over it, turning it around and using exaggeration and temper-tantrums to punctuate her point of view unconstructivly, frequently using insane logic that made no sense. And it was almost always over her spending habits, and the fact that we were living paycheck to paycheck and had no need to. Eventually, I broke down, and it shifted from constructive criticism to manipulative criticism(actually pointing out how she was hurting the house, rather then suggesting how she could do things differently in a more constructive manner), because at least then she wouldn't ignore me and would change for some period of time. Her own sense of guilt had to be used to just keep us out of the red all the time, unfortunately that led to her turning and twisting my words into me calling her shit rather then what actually was stated, which was what her and the kids were lacking now because of her actions. I took the resentment, because it was necessary to continue running the house not into the ground. Eventually it degraded into her view of me being callous and emotionless, dismissing how she felt. I did dismiss how she felt, because she was feeling hurt over things I never actually said, and when it became all to apparent that this was going to be a reoccurring thing, I just stopped informing her that that wasn't what I said anymore, nor was it how it was meant to be taken. Anyway, none of this is here or now, I am creating a different post that is supposed to go into detail about our relationship its roots, and the many intricacies that eventually lead to its downfall. I was stating, that in the end, it isn't even going to be her Lover that is ultimately responsible for all the hurt they are going to be experiencing in the future. If they both don't grow as individuals, it is going to be a combination of their own failings as to why they are both unhappy, dissatisfied with life, and I don't think either of them has it in them to be the glue. My Ex has just demonstrated that when I finally had enough with this relationship and it was her turn to hold things together, and instead of pulling me closer, she just pushed me further away.

  I hope that the lack of physical connection to anyone, and the upcoming increase in intensity, that not only do I have no one at present, I am not truly allowed to find anyone either, does not hurt to much. I know the lack in my life has resulted in a serious performance decline in my duties, not out of malice or resentment, but out of general lethargy, lack of energy, and depression. These are all temporary states, and as long as they stay within tolerable levels I will be fine. I don't want to shut down emotionally again to survive this. I can, I survived most of this marriage because of it, but I don't want to have to resort to that, it is a bitch trying to wake up again, and I am not at my best when I am shut down like that.

  • 1:40 pm
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