December 10, 2012
-
Generic Post: Monday, 10th of Dec 2012
Life: My Ex and I had an altercation a couple of days ago, per usual I maintained my relative calm, and she lost most of hers; and for the next two hours I had to listen to her tell me how the relationship failing was all my fault, that she only treated me like she did, because I told her I valued her strength, so she felt like she couldn't show her softer side, so her treating me poorly was all my fault. I had to hear how I was a piece of shit, and a host of other abusive language. Until she finally wound down and got to the heart of what she wanted to say, which was, when we finally have the divorce final, and I am out of the house, I am essentially nothing to her, there is to be no friendship, nothing. Understandable, I had hoped that we would be able to part on more amicable terms, but I am beginning to doubt that possibility. I also don't know if she is quite this duplicit, but I had offered to tuck her in to bed like I used to, she always enjoyed it, and it is something her Lover doesn't do often, or with quite the same level of care and attention I bring to most things I do. It was after I tucked her in, and she was indicating that she would like me to lay down and cuddle with her, which I did, when she ambushed me. I think it is more that me and her can not have a dialog in which it does not eventually degrade into her reliving the past, feeling hurt and angry all over again, and saying what ever she can think of to be mean, hurtful, and spiteful. Even if she knows it doesn't work on me, I think it makes her feel better. Either way, her propensity to continue with that and similar behavior and the general negative environment that has become my life, is why I feel the need to get out.
It did set the stage for another one of my extreme melancholy states; because, in spite of her going off on me again, I got up with the kids, cleaned house all day, let her sleep in with her lover, allowing them to have some quite and alone time. I did not bother them except to offer the opportunity to drop the children off at a friends house around mid day, so she could socialize if she wanted. I didn't mind doing all this for her, it is actually a rather typical Saturday for me, except dropping the kids off is new, normally I take care of them so they don't disturb her. Except, when I went back there and saw the two of them laying together, and when they both got up around 2/3 pm, just seeing them being loving and affectionate towards one another, especially after the ways she was toward me the night before....
I felt a mixture of great happiness and deep sadness. Watching the two of them together is beautiful, they way they play, and how he brings a smile to her face, I love seeing her smile. But, it brought home; that I have no one in the house, or my life, to seek comfort in, no one to turn to when I am lonely or sad. Very lonely and very sad. I had tears hit me several times through the day, until my Ex decided to ask me why I had been in one of my moods all day. It felt good just to hug her. The way she was speaking to me the night before, and how she had been largely pretending like I didn't exist, I had the impression that even something as simple as a hug was out of the question. Just being able to hug her when I am feeling sad or lonely is enough to satiate my need for human connection, take the edge off of the loneliness I felt. Afterwards, she stopped pretending like I didn't exist, and we even had a night of watching all the shows we normally watched as a group, and then watched Savages.
Anyway, I need to go, children are calling.
Comments (9)
awful situation, good writing.
Glad you were able to get that hug. *smiles*
@Lovelydruid - So am I, *Smiles* I have little hope, that this peace will stay though, it tends to go and come. I will get through it though, I always do.
@TheGiantSlayer - Thank you, and the situation is only temporary as I work toward my own lot in life once again.
It will get easier once you get yourself out of that situation. I cannot imagine what life would have been like had my parents continued living in the same house together while they were getting their divorce. That would have been horribly unpleasant.
I searched for "divorce" with hopes of finding people who understand how I feel. I came across your post. When I told my ex it was time we parted, I only stayed in the house with him for week. Now I am in an unhealthy marriage where I feel I have no love and a part of me dies a little every day. I can't imagine how it must be for you. It sounds like a sad situation and that you are a very strong person. I hope life brings you happiness in the new year.
Hi, Welcome and thanks for visiting my site! God bless, ~ Pete
"As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country." Proverbs 25:25
@MyHomeIsWriting - Things are not much different then they have been pre-divorce, unfortunately. Which is probably why getting one is going to be the right choice. I still manage the bulk of the house hold, tend to household affairs, and the children. She mostly destresses from work by watching her TV shows and or Facebook Games, so actual chance for interaction and altercations are generally reserved for after the kids are in bed (Not always, but it hasn't happened so far, knock on wood). As far as the kids are concerned, it is business as usual around the house. The most notable shifts for me, is that during those times we do interact, there is less of a chance of pleasantexperiences developing out of them, and more of a chance of negative ones. So, I guess, once again, not a lot of difference between before and after. *Sad smile*
@erinwrites - I have hopes for that as well.
@Evangelist_Guy - Welcome, and thank you for coming by. Just so there are no misconceptions, I am not christian and have a zero percent chance of conversion from my current preferred spiritual practice. Nameste and may peace favor you friend.
@silveranstavern - Thank you! And not to worry, although the Lord has way of working around "zero percent" scenarios! Lol. God speed! ~ Pete
@silveranstavern - it sounds like everything will sort itself out in the end. You have to do what's best for you in your situation. Others will judge, but they don't really know.
Comments are closed.