Reflections in a Mirror: I have no motivation to write right now, so I am hoping that just rambling will jar some thought loose in this head of mine, and that I might capture it as it spills out on to these pages. I did vaguely want to talk about the nature of subjective reality. I was thinking of the Iconic imagery associated with love and affection for me, and thinking about just how much culture, society, and our life experiences shape our subjective experience, and our general reactions to and toward life. I grew up in the pages of books, I watched very little tv as a child, but I fell in love with fantasy. My role models, and my heroes were all fictional. Dragonlace's Rastlin, Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Tanis Half-Elven, and Kitiara Uth Matar. Milamber/Pug, Nikkor, Jimmy the Hand, Authra, Tomas, and Rupert Avery from Raymond E. Fiests novels. There are plenty more, but most of them are antihero's, or off the beaten path. They inspired me, the magic I found in those pages, were the only sources of love, pain, pleasure... Life, I was exposed to. Left mostly to my own devieces, I drank it in, I lived inside the stories, and breathed life into the pages. I cried into those books, such beauty I did see, such powerful stories and images. But, I took in the romanticism, the fantasy courtesan, the ideals of courtship, the magic. My notion of romance, was one of tender caresses, loving kisses, soft looks, and emotional vulnerability. When I imagine myself, staring into the eyes of my lover, pouring my soul into her, brushing the hair out of her face, so I can see her eyes, letting my hand brush down the sides of her face and across her cheek, with the back of my fingers, lovingly and gently caressing her, drawing her forward, into a soft embrace that builds in tempo and passion, until we are both consumed by it (all with a predatory taint because I favored antihero's after all, dark seduction); it is something that pulls at me, sings to me, makes me sway to its music. But, those images are mine, those actions are mine, the value in them is one I placed there, from my memories, my experiences. That soft touch across the cheek of someone who didn't have those, could just as well be annoying as it is enthralling. Our subjective realities, are our own, and if we aren't aware of that, someone who pulls away at our tender caress, could hurt, sting, and stink of rejection; but only because of your failure to see the intrinsic truth that subjective realities bring into the picture. Your world, your view, the ideas and context you bring to something, are not often times as intrinsic as we like to believe, it is you empowering them, you giving them meaning, weight, and significance. The more firmly that reality, that truth, settles into your bones, the more easily you can deal with discrepancies when they come up. The easier it is for you not to take things personally, and actually start working toward solutions, not focusing on the problems. To blame the books, or to blame culture, or to blame TV; its all pointless. But to accept the reality, and work from within it, to understand the dynamics of subjective reality, empowers you, frees you from a slaved existence, externalizing everything. Then, when they pull away from your touch, it doesn't automatically evoke rejection, hurt, or anger; you don't react because their reaction isn't in alignment with your wishes or views of how things should work. It frees you from the expectation, and instead invokes curiosity, it makes you wonder... Why? It allows you, to start making your partner happy, the way they receive and view love, the way they want to be touched, and understand the importance, of how and why they touch the way they do. You find it out from their stories, you listen to them when they are speaking passionately, because passion tends to resonate with their core. You see it in their movies, and their books they think of highly, you see it in everything. Learning about your loved one or ones, is an amazing experience if you let it be, an empowering experience. There need to be more people in the world who can jump outside of their own existence and view of the world, and place themselves in the world of others. I mean literally feel like you walked a mile in their shoes. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of a loveless marriage. We say loveless, but there is always love, we just don't feel it at times, or it isn't as great as our own. That tiny flame, but a pale reflection, of the raging fire in ourselves. Sometimes understanding just isn't enough, sometimes, you get burnt up by your own intensity, sometimes, sometimes, things just suck. I remember listening to my Ex for hours, laying my head in her lap, nothing more pressing in life than being there with her, being present with her, and listening to her. Exploring who she was, her passions, her dreams. Sharing myself with her, and getting so wonderfully in sync with one another, that my whispers brought her shivers, and my touch, mere touch, a soft tingle up the thigh, into a firm grasp and a gluttonous look from myself, as her moans of pleasure filled the room. So sexually charged, so fully, maddeningly, passionately, one with one another, that I played her like a finely honed instrument, time and time again, making such sweet and wonderful music. I lost her, she died 6 years ago, and I have no idea who this stranger I moved in with is. I cried a little, and died a little each day, feeling like I was taking care of some invalid. Wondering if she would ever get back to who she was, the person who told me in those stories, the music we made together. Life is so bittersweet at times. I recognize now that she is well and truly lost, but I still don't want to be so separated from her, such a lack there is. Everyone should experience something as wonderful and wondrous as we were when we started out. Everyone should allow themselves, to step out of their own reality, to well and truly explore their lovers, so they can make such sweet music. Everyone should be so firm and bold, and confident that they bare their soul to the experience, let it burn away everything. Let the magic in, let the life in, let the love in. I mourn the most, that her fears and insecurities, so filled her heart, had such a claim on her soul, that it left so little room for me, to love me, she couldn't do it to the fullness, she held back. But, there are some wondrous moments in there. Treasured gems. Maddening reality is at times.

Anyway, that is all I have for today. May peace be with you, and find the magic.

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Diary

"Which is why, if you are judging and reacting to the world on the sorrows of your past, you are not judging it on reality. Learn to forgive, so wholly and fully, that you are not inspired towards any negative action, based on past hurts, and hold onto and cherish the good memories, and the sweet memories, knowing they only want to slip away, fade away, run away. Don't let them run away from home, they belong to you, to just let them vanish because the pain of something in your past is more pressing, is to do yourself a grave injustice." - by Me Just Now

Life: This weekend just goes to show, that even people with high degree's of self awareness sometimes live life unconsciously. It took me three days to become aware of an emerging pattern of thought and behavior that I ultimately found useless.

 

I still have very deep feelings for my Ex. That is one of the reasons I can not stay in the relationship and work it out, the depth of feelings also means that when she is as she likes to say: “A bull in a china shop” I hurt very deeply. When I throw myself into a relationship, I hold nothing back, and I committed myself beyond 100 percent, so that even when I fell short of the mark, I would still land near the top. That level of devotion inspires pretty intense feelings, that I have mostly had to detach myself from, for most of this relationship. *Feels himself going off on a tangent, and redirects his focus* The point is, I still have strong feelings for my Ex, and even though I am the one who is pushing to leave the marriage this time (Because of my Ex's anger issues and volatility, she has tried to kick me out of the house and divorce me, among other things, in states of anger and haste that she really didn't mean, because at the end of the day, despite my many failings at the time, I was the best thing that ever happened to her. If you are curious as to those failings, most of it was the severe detachment I developed in order to survive the constant hostility and negativity, I shut down around her mostly except to ensure that I took care of the kids and the house, other than that I check out in order to escape the pervasive hostility, and negativity that just saturated my life back then. She freely admits she was a horrible person back then, and one of the things she loves most about me, was my dedication and devotion toward seeing things through. *Smiles* It warms me to see how much she has changed and grown over the years, even if it isn't enough at present) Even though, I am the one who has decided it is time for me to leave, after this latest outburst. I still love her, I still have fondness, affection, and longing. Longing. In The Monster, I likened her to heroine, a drug as damaging as it is addictive, and after our last altercation, true to her word (kinda), she has withdrawn her affections (except for all the times she sends mix signals, like flirting, etc.) and I am experiencing withdrawals (and it is kinda maddening, just saying).

 

My Ex and her Lover have never been closer, and the level of affections they display towards one another paints the contrast to my own situation, and it hurts. It almost feels as if, now that I am out of the way, they can finally flourish. *Sad smile* But I know that is not the case, it is just now that I am leaving her, she is craving comfort and affection. She doesn't have to feel the loss as deeply as I do, because she has someone to share it with, and to take her mind off of it. I still long for her, burn inside for her, love her; and it hurts. I do not struggle with jealousy (jealousy mostly stems from a sense of ownership, and a deep seated desire for exclusivity), but I am struggling with envy, because my desire for my Ex, is still present, and still as strong as ever. I have lately been feeling a fair amount of hatred toward my Ex's Lover. There is a contrast to the feeling of warmth I get when I think about her happiness, actually seeing it, coupled with that longing, and how sudden her affections were cut off, stings. Love just doesn't vanish overnight, its warmth doesn't just disappear, and in a situation like this, where Love isn't allowed to manifest naturally, that warmth starts to burn, and smolder into Hate. The flip side of the same coin, one emotion expressed in different ways.

 

This weekend spiked for me, because he is developing courtship with the wife of one of my Ex's Friends; and she was over at the house. We drank and played board games, and I sat on one side of the table, while he was being lavished with the affections from both of them, once again coming face to face, with my own disparity. The human mind tends to do two things when faced with hurt, feel it, or transmute it. Feeling it, allowing it to be and recognizing that it does hurt, but that feeling hurt is ok, is the constructive way of handling it, and not the way most people, or I took it. I transmuted it, rather than feel it, into hatred manifesting as Envy. Here is this person, this gift to my Ex, that I took into my house for her happiness, to give her the things she wanted from me, but are things I intrinsically knew, I could not give her without being inauthentic to and with myself. Here is this person, I am being compared to, who is being used as ammunition in our fights against me, as why can't I do this or that, because he does it. (failing to recognize that I allowed him to be here in the first place, as a recognition of things I could not give her, because they were not me.) Here is this person, whom is engaging in a courtship with a very close friend of the family, in our home. Two defining aspects, that are a primary source of conflict between me and her. The primary, source of my decision that I could no longer remain in the relationship because of the lack of reciprocation. Being flaunted in front of me, the biggest hypocrisy in existence, a profane thing.

 

Alcohol and strong negative emotions do not mix by the way, because evidently by the end of the night, I had made a slight ass out of myself. *Grins* Nothing overly damaging, but still in poor taste. I apologized to him for it, but I have yet to do so to her. I don't think I will. Anyway, the point of it all, is that it took me 3 days roughly to actually become conscious of my own thoughts, recognize that the way I was behaving and manifesting my own thoughts, was not in alignment with who I wish to be, who I am when I am not running on empty. I took the time to go though my detoxification rituals, re-balance and align myself, remove the resentment and envy, replace it with something better, and more constructive to the situation. Regaining my sense of peace, balance, and acting from a place of authenticity (because you can only be authentic if you are acting from a place of conscious thought, rather than emotional reaction; even if you ultimately “chose” to allow yourself to continue to engage in the self destructive behavior, failing to recognize it as a choice first prevents it form being authentic), has lead me to my current state; which feels, in comparison, infinitely better. It allows me to reflect back to all the beautiful moments and memories I will take away from this journey, many of which has happened, and only could happen, because of the presence of my Ex's Lover. It allows me to focus on the hurt, allow it to be, so it works itself out, rather than manifesting unconstructive actions, that will only feed on themselves. Will it still sting to see the lack in my life reflected in his abundance, especially because of my own emotional investment and involvement with my Ex, and this entire situation being essentially inescapable? Yes it will, but, I do not have to allow the negative emotions to manifest. I can take the moments when it hurts, because of my own longing, retreat to solitude and shed my tears in peace, in mourning, because my Ex is worth a few tears. My longing is ok, this sadness is ok, and knowing that allows me to act from a place of kindness when I would otherwise react from a place of hurt. What good would come from it? I am not better off, and bringing her down, undoing all the good I have done to spite her, does nothing for me. Any transitory feeling of satisfaction (which I know I would feel in seeing that bitch get hers) is not worth it, and does not feel as good as manifesting my current state of mind. I can not deny that those feelings exist, I am not a very nice person underneath it all, even if my actual actions speak a different story 99 percent of the time. I am a sociopath after all, but I don't have to act like one. *Smiles*

 

Even the most practiced of us, who devote the majority of their life towards living consciously, will slip. It happens, and it happens most often when your life situations are at their worst; and engaging in destructive behaviors, or indulging in vices in pursuit of transitory highs, are the things that lend themselves most readily toward expression, because of the natural disposition of short sightedness, that is human nature. There in lies the value in knowing yourself down to the fibers of you being, wholly and fully. You become in alignment with your far reaching goals in life; life doesn't need a plan, but it does need a destination. Because it is having one, that allowed me most, to reach down and pull myself out of that potentially devastating spiral I was on. Do I make mistakes, yes. Do I learn from them, I try. But in the end, I am only doing the best I can, which doesn't mean that I shouldn't try to do it better next time.

 

Nameste and may peace favor you.

“For me, trees have always been the most penetrating preachers. I revere them when they live in tribes and families, in forests and groves. And even more I revere them when they stand alone. They are like lonely persons. Not like hermits who have stolen away out of some weakness, but like great, solitary men, like Beethoven and Nietzsche. In their highest boughs the world rustles, their roots rest in infinity; but they do not lose themselves there, they struggle with all the force of their lives for one thing only: to fulfil themselves according to their own laws, to build up their own form, to represent themselves. Nothing is holier, nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree. When a tree is cut down and reveals its naked death-wound to the sun, one can read its whole history in the luminous, inscribed disk of its trunk: in the rings of its years, its scars, all the struggle, all the suffering, all the sickness, all the happiness and prosperity stand truly written, the narrow years and the luxurious years, the attacks withstood, the storms endured. And every young farmboy knows that the hardest and noblest wood has the narrowest rings, that high on the mountains and in continuing danger the most indestructible, the strongest, the ideal trees grow.

Trees are sanctuaries. Whoever knows how to speak to them, whoever knows how to listen to them, can learn the truth. They do not preach learning and precepts, they preach, undeterred by particulars, the ancient law of life.

A tree says: A kernel is hidden in me, a spark, a thought, I am life from eternal life. The attempt and the risk that the eternal mother took with me is unique, unique the form and veins of my skin, unique the smallest play of leaves in my branches and the smallest scar on my bark. I was made to form and reveal the eternal in my smallest special detail.

A tree says: My strength is trust. I know nothing about my fathers, I know nothing about the thousand children that every year spring out of me. I live out the secret of my seed to the very end, and I care for nothing else. I trust that God is in me. I trust that my labor is holy. Out of this trust I live.

When we are stricken and cannot bear our lives any longer, then a tree has something to say to us: Be still! Be still! Look at me! Life is not easy, life is not difficult. Those are childish thoughts. Let God speak within you, and your thoughts will grow silent. You are anxious because your path leads away from mother and home. But every step and every day lead you back again to the mother. Home is neither here nor there. Home is within you, or home is nowhere at all.

A longing to wander tears my heart when I hear trees rustling in the wind at evening. If one listens to them silently for a long time, this longing reveals its kernel, its meaning. It is not so much a matter of escaping from one's suffering, though it may seem to be so. It is a longing for home, for a memory of the mother, for new metaphors for life. It leads home. Every path leads homeward, every step is birth, every step is death, every grave is mother.

So the tree rustles in the evening, when we stand uneasy before our own childish thoughts: Trees have long thoughts, long-breathing and restful, just as they have longer lives than ours. They are wiser than we are, as long as we do not listen to them. But when we have learned how to listen to trees, then the brevity and the quickness and the childlike hastiness of our thoughts achieve an incomparable joy. Whoever has learned how to listen to trees no longer wants to be a tree. He wants to be nothing except what he is. That is home. That is happiness.”
― Hermann Hesse, Bäume. Betrachtungen und Gedichte

 

I ran across this and thought it was rather beautiful, and I wanted to put it here, such that when I archive my thoughts, this one stays with me.

Life: Things around the house are mostly back to normal, my Ex occasions a smile my way and talks to me, telling me how her day goes (unfortunately most of her talks are more complaining about how her day has gone, and I generally do not like hearing about things like that. Might be one of the reasons she felt disconnected with me over the years. In general I don't like to complain, although I make exceptions to show a person they could always have it worse, and then it is the spirit of education rather than feeling disparaged at my lot in life. Once you take complaining about one's lot in life off the table, 90 percent of all communication vanished in our house. It isn't that I didn't have things to say, I just heard, “Things like that make my head hurt” generally speaking. I still listen, and ask questions, but I know the lack of enthusiasm bleeds though.) (This is where I do my complaining *Winks*, but it is still a fair and accurate depiction of my reality)

There is still mostly a lack of any physical connection, aside from me tenderly kissing her forehead sometimes before she heads off to bed. I am not as depressed by it though, perhaps the bulk of it was in the pretending I didn't even exist. I still long for physical connection, but she has made it clear that as long as I am in the house, no one I develop any affections for is welcome there. So, even though I am a physical person, and I long for physical connection, I have not been seeking anyone out at present, because that would only magnify everything. Because even if I did find someone who was willing to chill with me, go out do things, and then come home and relax; being the primary care manager of the children keeps me in the house. This house is my life for the foreseeable future, until I am in a position to correct that, and it is inhospitable for living. I can exist here, but I find living here to be difficult. I have little opportunity to go out and make friends, I never had through the entirety of this marriage. Everyone I have become friends with, has been directly or indirectly linked to my Ex in some way, just because I allowed her and the family to become the entirety of my life. Because we chose me to be the stay at homebody, I did not feel the same sense of entitlement towards the money that was being made, granted we were supposed to be partners, but I always placed the family before myself when it came to spending. My Ex, did not, still doesn't, she is too impulsive, and addicted to the the “self love” she feels when she goes on spending sprees. Granted, half of the things she bought were for the kids, but she would miss allocate funds towards snacks and items that were not needed, before necessities were taken care of around the house. Living paycheck to paycheck, and taking nothing aside for myself, I didn't have the funds in order to have a life outside of the family (which is one of the more important things a significant other can do in order to keep the relationship strong, because it helps stave off becoming burnt out, gives you things to talk about, cultivates more human connections to draw on in times of need). To be honest, I am leaving for two reasons: Her financial irresponsibility and the damage it has caused towards myself and the family, Her desire to overprotect from feeling hurt, to the extent that she controls all aspects of life, ether by force or threat of force. Both of those, are creating an environment where I am only allowed to exist, and existing sucks. *Shrugs* Those are my current and past circumstances, not my future, and within half a year I should be in a position to correct this, and if I am not, I will find a different way.

Anyway, back to off of the tangent, I suppose feeling connected to someone is important to me, *Smiles* My wife's Lover is switching to Day-shifts, so he will be around more during the time frame she is also home. I suspect I will be seeing them being more affectionate towards one another in the future, and I don't know how this is going to affect business as usual. He makes her happy, but because she externalizes her happiness and doesn't cultivate resilience with an internalization of happiness, he is going to eventually hurt her. Just as she was so sure I would do, *Sad smile* She would exist in a better state of joy if she could learn that adding skills and tools to work on herself as she pleased, isn't some profane thing, and that people out there might have something of value to add, other then compliments and cocks. Anyway, I digress. In the past, he has shown immaturity, and irresponsibility.

The first such irresponsibility, is a failure to keep promises, towards me, when he and my Ex engaged in rampant sexual activity sans condom; in-spite of three separate admonishments, leading to the ultimate life changing event of a new addition to the household.

The second, I recognized that he was fulfilling aspects of my Ex's current needs/wants I was incapable of fulfilling without changing myself drastically, he didn't have the burden of history behind him, and he could make her feel loved. So when presented with the opportunity to either toss him aside (and probably be resented for it and causing my Ex more hurt and pain, also disrespecting my own values) or embrace him. I chose to embrace him, and he came to stay with us briefly, and left just as briefly. My Ex was majorly hurt, and I held her in my arms as she cried many times over him. Because of his lack of communication, her fears and paranoia, many things. I held her as she cried over another man, mourning his loss, with me trying to reassure her that it wasn't so, and she just needed to give him time to get things sorted out. She felt guilty more than once, because she knew she was spiraling into depressions, and didn't want to turn to me for comfort, because she knew she couldn't do the same if things were reversed. But I held her, I comforted her, I took care of her, and the house, as she shut down. My affections for her were/are unconditional, and I am not the type of person to rub her face in it saying I told you so.

The third, he is extremely volatile and transient, he drinks in order to escape his depressions and skips work, getting fired, or quitting. He has been through many jobs, and is already looking at quitting the one he is at. So, while he may have a job, where I don't, so he can occasionally buy her things she can't buy for herself (Being a materialistic person, she desires this greatly), his net impact on the household is detrimental. He spends his money on vices and her, while neglecting his obligations to the house because of the motorcycle and insurance he has currently coming out of the main account. Although, since I have abdicated my role as financial manager and have not been admonishing her for her impulsiveness or irresponsibility when she displays it, I have never seen her happier. Other than our two week period of bliss we had at the beginning of the relationship. *Grins* Ironic that she can love him more because of his failings, because he feeds into her own. I truly do wish them well when I step out of this house, and I am happy to grant them this honey moon period where reality rests on my back as I still strive to ensure that everything runs as smoothly as possible without handing out admonishments that her behavior needs to change because the children are not adequately dressed, and the house doesn't have what it needs to function properly. I took so little for myself, and tried my best to allow her and the kids to have what they wanted, not just what they needed, but it wasn't quite tangible to her, because I was to be resented for all the times I needed to say no, rather than understanding the personal sacrifices I was making for her and the kids so I didn't contribute to living pay check to pay check. At most I spent 360 including all vices and entertainment, a year for myself. A relationship shouldn't be built on sacrifices.

I do not predict that their future will be beautiful. I hope it is, but when I am realistic about it, the happiness and joy I see in this house at present, I do not think will last. I have been the glue and grease of this relationship for so long, holding everything together, taking the punishment, and not responding in kind. I know she has been hurt many times by my words; the truth hurts, I understand that. It sucks to be told, that the account does not have enough money to go do this trip you really want to do, because of all the books an games you bought the month before; or that we can not buy the crib, because we already have something similar that serves just as well, besides the kids do not have any clothing that fits them and it would be better to put the money there. I understand that it hurt, and hurts. I am not blind; but, it should not hurt and, it would not hurt me if I was on the receiving end; but her tendency to not love herself, to self depreciate herself, turns all of those instances into something she can point to and say, “that's my fault. I'm a shitty person and he is calling me a shitty person.” Hence the massive amount of resentment I have received over the years for fulfilling the position she placed me in. I am so glad I do not have to do it anymore, I can choose silence, because it isn't my responsibility to speak up anymore. It feels so good to not be that person that has to be the punching bag because I have to be the one to say no. I really dislike being the bad guy for being responsible. I know how to have fun, I know how to enjoy myself, and how to spend responsibly to that end. I am not a scrooge, cheap, or a miser. I am conscious, conscious of where the money is currently going, and where it would be better suited towards going, in this case. I resent being resented, for ensuring the survival of the family.

Glue and grease, so many times she has trashed on me, trying to throw me away, and out, over trivial things. Almost all of her fights, were over me informing her on the many various ways her behaviors were causing determent to the household, her feeling hurt over it, and me dismissing those feelings because I did not in fact call her a piece of shit when I said it, she put those words there. So many times she twists what I say, so she could take offense to it. I think she needed to do it so she could focus on her anger at me, rather than her own sense of self loathing, it hurts less that way, to face reality. It became all to typical for me to try giving constructive criticism, her getting defensive over it, turning it around and using exaggeration and temper-tantrums to punctuate her point of view unconstructivly, frequently using insane logic that made no sense. And it was almost always over her spending habits, and the fact that we were living paycheck to paycheck and had no need to. Eventually, I broke down, and it shifted from constructive criticism to manipulative criticism(actually pointing out how she was hurting the house, rather then suggesting how she could do things differently in a more constructive manner), because at least then she wouldn't ignore me and would change for some period of time. Her own sense of guilt had to be used to just keep us out of the red all the time, unfortunately that led to her turning and twisting my words into me calling her shit rather then what actually was stated, which was what her and the kids were lacking now because of her actions. I took the resentment, because it was necessary to continue running the house not into the ground. Eventually it degraded into her view of me being callous and emotionless, dismissing how she felt. I did dismiss how she felt, because she was feeling hurt over things I never actually said, and when it became all to apparent that this was going to be a reoccurring thing, I just stopped informing her that that wasn't what I said anymore, nor was it how it was meant to be taken. Anyway, none of this is here or now, I am creating a different post that is supposed to go into detail about our relationship its roots, and the many intricacies that eventually lead to its downfall. I was stating, that in the end, it isn't even going to be her Lover that is ultimately responsible for all the hurt they are going to be experiencing in the future. If they both don't grow as individuals, it is going to be a combination of their own failings as to why they are both unhappy, dissatisfied with life, and I don't think either of them has it in them to be the glue. My Ex has just demonstrated that when I finally had enough with this relationship and it was her turn to hold things together, and instead of pulling me closer, she just pushed me further away.

I hope that the lack of physical connection to anyone, and the upcoming increase in intensity, that not only do I have no one at present, I am not truly allowed to find anyone either, does not hurt to much. I know the lack in my life has resulted in a serious performance decline in my duties, not out of malice or resentment, but out of general lethargy, lack of energy, and depression. These are all temporary states, and as long as they stay within tolerable levels I will be fine. I don't want to shut down emotionally again to survive this. I can, I survived most of this marriage because of it, but I don't want to have to resort to that, it is a bitch trying to wake up again, and I am not at my best when I am shut down like that.

Life:  My Ex and I had an altercation a couple of days ago, per usual I maintained my relative calm, and she lost most of hers; and for the next two hours I had to listen to her tell me how the relationship failing was all my fault, that she only treated me like she did, because I told her I valued her strength, so she felt like she couldn't show her softer side, so her treating me poorly was all my fault.  I had to hear how I was a piece of shit, and a host of other abusive language.  Until she finally wound down and got to the heart of what she wanted to say, which was, when we finally have the divorce final, and I am out of the house, I am essentially nothing to her, there is to be no friendship, nothing.  Understandable, I had hoped that we would be able to part on more amicable terms, but I am beginning to doubt that possibility.  I also don't know if she is quite this duplicit, but I had offered to tuck her in to bed like I used to, she always enjoyed it, and it is something her Lover doesn't do often, or with quite the same level of care and attention I bring to most things I do.  It was after I tucked her in, and she was indicating that she would like me to lay down and cuddle with her, which I did, when she ambushed me.  I think it is more that me and her can not have a dialog in which it does not eventually degrade into her reliving the past, feeling hurt and angry all over again, and saying what ever she can think of to be mean, hurtful, and spiteful.  Even if she knows it doesn't work on me, I think it makes her feel better.  Either way, her propensity to continue with that and similar behavior and the general negative environment that has become my life, is why I feel the need to get out.

It did set the stage for another one of my extreme melancholy states; because, in spite of her going off on me again, I got up with the kids, cleaned house all day, let her sleep in with her lover, allowing them to have some quite and alone time. I did not bother them except to offer the opportunity to drop the children off at a friends house around mid day, so she could socialize if she wanted.    I didn't mind doing all this for her, it is actually a rather typical Saturday for me, except dropping the kids off is new, normally I take care of them so they don't disturb her.  Except, when I went back there and saw the two of them laying together, and when they both got up around 2/3 pm, just seeing them being loving and affectionate towards one another, especially after the ways she was toward me the night before....

I felt a mixture of great happiness and deep sadness.  Watching the two of them together is beautiful, they way they play, and how he brings a smile to her face, I love seeing her smile.  But, it brought home; that I have no one in the house, or my life, to seek comfort in, no one to turn to when I am lonely or sad.  Very lonely and very sad.  I had tears hit me several times through the day, until my Ex decided to ask me why I had been in one of my moods all day.  It felt good just to hug her.  The way she was speaking to me the night before, and how she had been largely pretending like I didn't exist, I had the impression that even something as simple as a hug was out of the question.  Just being able to hug her when I am feeling sad or lonely is enough to satiate my need for human connection, take the edge off of the loneliness I felt.  Afterwards, she stopped pretending like I didn't exist, and we even had a night of watching all the shows we normally watched as a group, and then watched Savages.

Anyway, I need to go, children are calling.

Man in the Mirror

 

Descent, into the unknown depths causes my Dissent

This lack of resonance, concordance, why, why, WHY?

Must this shattered mirror project me so BROKEN?

Disfigured, and Ugly?

 

Who is this man that stares at me with Malice,

This fake thing I see before me, this hollow man.

Who is this rotting thing I see, who is this?

Is it me? but why, why, WHY? Am I... so broken?

 

Why is this mirror so broken? And when I touch it,

Why is it so smooth? As if it weren't in the pieces I see,

But it is, IT IS, it has to be, for if the mirror were not,

Then... I am, am I? I am, the one who is falling apart?

 

I am the one who is in pieces, I am the one?

The one who stares at this reflective surface,

And I am the one who sees, someone I don't...

I don't recognize, the Truth, here, the Lies, here

 

Help me to understand, this, this, travesty

Travesty of Reality, so grim and uncompromising

Damn this hurts. Why does it hurt? to look

Look at the man in the Mirror.

 

 

Reflections in a Mirror:  

Habits play a fundamental role in our existence, they are essentially inescapable, as something as simple of walking is done out of habitual subconscious patterns. When we engage in nearly any activity, we begin to form routines, or mini programs that run in response to your cues to do so. Take typing for instance, that is an excellent form of habitual behavior that functions very much like running a program. At first, when you start out, you have to think very hard about exactly what it is you are doing, as you slowly teach yourself how type each of the keys from memory, so you are not constantly looking, you get better. Eventually you learn how to do that, then as you continue to type, you start to teach yourself words, and pretty soon, just intending the word to appear on the screen, produces that word on the screen, with very little to no conscious effort. That is achieved entirely by the same mechanism we use to form habits. Like mini computer programs, we spit out words on the screen.

 

Our ability to form habits is both fortunate, and unfortunate. After all, the brain is gray matter, and its many inner workings are a mater of grayness, meaning we can use it to both help and hinder ourselves. On one hand, it takes complicated physical tasks, and makes them simple, walking for instance, is not something you were born knowing how to do, and over the years you have learned how to take all the complex data that is involved in moving with intention, and simplified it to point where the mere intention runs the required program. But this gift comes at a high price sometimes, as our capacity to function on autopilot also extends itself towards many mental behaviors and conditioning as well. Failure to recognize that our thoughts and actions are not innately reactionary, that we have the capacity to replace poor patterns of thought with better ones, can often lead people to circle the drain. Because, you can not change, what you can not see or comprehend.

 

Take for instance the Law of Attraction, even if it does not hold any metaphysical truth, it definitely holds some psychological truth, and one can benefit from understanding its true nature.

 

“In accordance with the Law of Attraction, you attract into your life those things, circumstances and conditions that correspond with the nature of your dominant, habitual thoughts and beliefs, both conscious and subconscious. Every area of your life, including your health, your finances and all of your relationships, are influenced by this.”

 

Excluding any Metaphysical aspect of this law, psychologically, your mind loves to strengthen its patterns and viewpoints. As with any activity, the more you engage in it, the easier it becomes the next time, until it seems so easy, it is as if there is no thought in it any longer. Thus the negative thoughts and mental conditioning you hold onto, only serves to feed itself, as you subconsciously or through ignorant consciousness, set about cultivating the circumstances to have your habits of thought reinforced.

 

This leads me to the concept of Karma, it is not a metaphysical principle for the most part, Karma is a scientific concept at its heart, it is the understanding of the complexities of how our current thoughts and actions affect our current and future experiences. Breaking out of unwanted karmic patterns, and cultivating desired karmic patterns, is how one consciously designs one's life.

 

Lets take a person, we will call her Girl. Girl has been raised with the repeated exposure to the idea that guys only want one thing, sex. She has also been raised with the concept that being wanted for just sex is an undesirable thing. With the exposure to these two concepts pervading most of her thoughts towards men, she sets the stage for developing habitual trains of thought, that feeds on itself. She has two experiences with men, that for one reason or another, lead her to reinforce her views towards men only wanting one thing, and because of the concept that this is bad, it provokes a fear response inspiring a need to find someone that wants her for more than just sex. Catering to this fear response, which developed out of habitual one track thinking, causes her to test the future men she enters into a relationship with. This testing puts undue strain on the relationship, and causes all the men she has been with since, to think she is fucking nuts. Only further reinforcing her view point, because in her habitual thought process, the blame for them leaving, is because they didn't want to be with “her” just her body and she proved it because they left, rather than understanding that the act of her trying to prove something that may have been false, was driving all of the people that had the potential to add true value to her life away (because she was nutz).

 

An over simplification, but the premise is sound, and something I have seen and experienced. How people become trapped in mindsets that reinforce their own self limiting thoughts and behaviors, guiding situations towards the worse possible outcome by picking the same type of man over and over, or picking the same type of girl over and over, or overreacting out of some fear of something, causing the stressors and climate for the very thing they are obsessing over, to manifest.

 

The mind is our filter for our perception of reality, if you train it to perceive things a certain way, it innately suppresses the knowledge that things could function any other way. Because of this, the more you become entrenched in your feedback loop, the more difficult it is to see how your behavior, thoughts, or perceptions, are not actually being productive, and are in fact, generally bringing more of what you do not what into your life.

 

Training yourself to become more conscious of your life, more mindful of your thoughts and actions, is the primary method of countering this, developing the habit of not having habits. I always find, that almost every thought or conclusion I come to, someone has already come to it, and probably expressed it better, so regardless of the fact that I may have come to it from my own root thought processes and observations on the nature of reality, I always seek out YouTube video's and articles of people who have arrived at similar conclusions to myself, because, they might be able in the position to get the actual scientific data, thus having more credibility, or they might have a different or better way of explaining a concept I am having difficulties expressing, they might be further along the same path I am already traveling, thus giving me insights I have yet to experience, so that I might be able to look for the evidence to support it. Many many reasons, let me leave you some of the better aritcles and videos I have come across.

 

This video is truly worth watching, so that you understand the difference between habits, and living consciously, and in how to begin the process of deconstructing habits, because despite what some of these articles claim, it is possible to erase a habit, not just transmute it, transmuting it is just easier. Two key aspects are mindfulness, and learning to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.

And the rest of the links:

HERE
HERE
and HERE, they are all one article, spread across three pages, on how to deal with negative thought patterns and habits, both from a Buddhist perspective and from a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy perspective, with a comparison of the similarities.

http://suite101.com/article/habitones-greatest-asset-and-liability-at-once-a217447
http://artofmanliness.com/2012/11/20/power-of-habits/

 

I wrote the poem after the Article this time, instead of the other way around, it is inspired by how I see the people in my life unable to face the reflections they see, when they look to deep within.  If you truly don't like the man in the mirror, change it so that you do, the only one stopping you, is yourself.

XANGA CHALLENGE: LABLES

What labels do I attach to myself?

Father
Son
Brother
Friend
Homemaker
Intelligent
Creative
Authentic
Individualistic
Non-Judgmental
Frugal
Disciplined
Calm
Level-Headed
Realist
Spiritual-Non-Religious
Gamer
Overweight
Introvert
Sociopath
Honest
Trustworthy
Pragmatic
Male
Confident
Explorer

How and why, do I identify with each of these labels?

Father - I am the biological Father of two children, and Father of two other children in every practical sense of the word.

Son – I have a mother and a father, therefore society labels me son.

Brother - I have a brother and a sister, therefore society labels me a brother.

Friend – I have friends, and they consider me a friend in return, the relationship isn't superficial in nature, so I feel the term friend is applicable.

Homemaker – I manage the day to day affairs of the household I am a part of, Influence many aspects of household management.

Intelligent – I have never taken an official IQ test, but the many (I think I have taken 7 or more) non official ones put me at about 136 to 138, I feel as if that qualifies. Knowledge is not intelligence, and while I may also be Knowledgeable (I don't feel justified in claiming that one), I make a distinction between Knowledgeable and Intelligent. I am far more Intelligent then I am Knowledgeable, I don't have the vast years of experience to meet that label, fortunately finding information is fairly easy if you know where to look.

Creative - “involving the use of imagination to produce new ideas or things.” I frequently write original poetry, and other various creative writings. I am imaginative, and innovated, using what is available to me in non intended ways, in an effort to come up with solutions to what ever I need at the moment.

Authentic, individualistic, nonconformist: I am me, I may accommodate you, but I will always be me. I have stripped away everything, every expectation, every notion of how I should be, of how I should react and behave, in order to find what I truly and wholly resonate with, on a deep personal level. I behave outside of that sense of self for some people or circumstances, for many various reasons; but, I never change myself for another person. In this, I am uncompromising.

Non-Judgmental – If I am me, then you are you. Perhaps a better description is a lack of prejudice, because we all judge in the end. But, I ask most, that a person extends non judgment toward me, as I extend it toward them, for if they do not, then it is by their own sense of judgment, that I condemn them by.

Frugal – I have an understanding of the value of money, it facilitates experiences, and eases quality of life. In and of itself, it has no inherent value, other then the value you attach to it. Every case of soda, pack of cigarettes, or other vice, must be weighed against its alternative value. Such as potential date nights with your significant other, or money for a trip to some location you have always wanted to go to. It is up to you to decide how best to allocate, and not waste, the money you make.

Disciplined - “the ability to make yourself do the things you know you ought to do, without someone making you do them” Another word for Mature in my opinion. Unpleasant tasks arise in life all the time, it doesn't detract from the necessity of doing them, and procrastination only makes it worse in the long run, if you need the pressure to operate efficiently, find a different way to instill it, just get it done.

Calm – “relaxed and quiet, not angry, nervous, or upset” In general, I am a calm person, relaxed and peaceful resonate with me and from me, even in the middle of chaos.

Realist – I value seeing the world as it is, and I seek to know the truth in and of things. Even if I find it to be unpleasant.

Spiritual-Non-Religious – It is an affiliation I claim, meaning, I have found most religions to be a poor fit, but I still find value in leading a spiritual life, free of any set dogma or doctrine codifying my behavior. It allows me to be, and remain authentic with myself.

Gamer – I like to game, many different types. I also find gamers, especially tabletop gamers, as cool people to hang around and associate with.

Overweight – This is not a body image evaluation, I do not look my weight. But I am 240 and I should be at 180 for my height for many health and job related reasons. I am working towards it, aside, I actually feel better at lower weights, I was at 296 not to long ago. I have made outstanding progress.

Introvert – Many of the traits of an Introvert apply to me, some do not, nothing's perfect.

Sociopath – Many of the traits of a person with a high degree of psychopathy apply to me, some do not. In general though, I lack the capacity to feel guilt or remorse for my actions, I have a very low level of compassion towards others, which conflicts with the high level of compassion I have toward others, (Yes, I have both at the same time, leave me alone) I can admit, that I find the idea of hurting others highly pleasurable and my genetic nature and impulses are predisposed towards high degrees of anger, and violence. I have little to no need for attachment (Not to be confused with connection or feeling connected, which I desire greatly.), and I have many anti social traits. I can understand people intellectually, but I do have trouble relating to them because I have not been able to experience reality the same way they do, or have. It makes life interesting. Especially recognizing that you are innately Amoral and deciding to develop your own moral and ethical code, it makes me more authentic I think. *Smiles* That being said, if you met me in person, or spent time with me, you would never be able to tell. I've done a lot of work to mitigate its more detrimental effects on my life, and enhance its more beneficial effects on my life.

Honest – Truth is a necessity in my life, with my self anyway. I am fumbling my way though life in how honesty works with other people. Having this pesky thing called reactive emotions makes it difficult to be truly honest with someone, I have been told to lie for their benefit on more then one occasion, because generally, you ask me a question and you get an answer, and you may not like the truth of the answer involved.

Trustworthy – In most aspects of life, I am trustworthy, mostly because of the high value I place on cultivating and keeping it, also because of the the high value I place on being dependable, and in keeping my promises. I am human though, we all have our breaking points.

Pragmatic - “dealing with problems in a sensible, practical way instead of strictly following a set of ideas” Yes please.

Male - I have a penis, therefore I am classified as a Male in terms of gender.

Confident - “sure that something will happen in the way that you want or expect, sure that you have the ability to do things well or deal with situations successfully” It comes from being a realist, and not being plagued by self doubt.

Explorer – I am always up for new experiences, not necessarily charting the unexplored, but I don't mind being out of my comfort zone, or trying something just to try it. It is not some all consuming passion, but I am a very curious, exploratory, experience based person.

How do I allow these labels to affect my behavior?

Father – The concept of “Father” implies duty and obligation toward seeing that your children reach it to adulthood relatively intact, both physically and mentally. While the concept of blood ties does not hold much sway with me, the concept of Father, has spurred me into learning how to be an effective one. It causes me to seek to understand the psychology and development of the mind, body, and spirit of children in general. It kept me from leaving my Ex before we were married (which we did too early out of necessity), and as such has been the cause of one of the more Major aspects of my life's journeys to date. I don't have a blinding sense of obligation attached to blood ties, but accepting stewardship over a child will sire the father instinct to cultivate and nurture. I recognize, that because it isn't a blind attachment to blood ties though, I am more accepting of children in general, but conversely I am more capable of understanding when the work I am doing is being damaged by outside external influences, and be accepting of the fact that I need to step aside. In this regard, I am very my way or the highway in my parenting style, in regards to the other stewards around me, and resent their lack of effort to better their own parenting skills. I go slightly more in-depth on this subject HERE.

Son – This label does not affect my behavior. I maintain relationships with both my mother, and my father, but in all aspects, I treat them as people first and foremost. They are individuals to me, and not affiliations of blood. They each have had their part in my past, and in shaping who I have become, but my lack of adherence to the concept of blood ties, prevents me from being behaviorally blinded and restricted. IE, if they are a shitty person at present, I will treat them as I would any shitty person, by walking away and not contacting them. When they are less shitty, they will be allowed to seek out any form of relationship they wish to define with me.

Brother – See above, same applies.

Friend – Friends are my Family. The people you choose to bring into your life, the relationships you choose to cultivate, have great importance, and in many cases will define you. Our friends are often times reflections of our self, kindred spirits we meet in life, something in them resonates in us, and it is something we like and want to incorporate in our lives. I build deep friendships, and we form a sense of community usually, such that we are there for each other, as we navigate the waters of life, through thick and thin, we support one another. That being said, while I have deep fulfilling friendships, they form organically, and they wither organically, as we pass through each others life. I tend to focus on the people who are physically present in my life, and as a result, people who were once great friends, are now just acquaintances that I barely speak too. I don't actively seek to cut people who are no longer present in my life out of it, but I also don't overly strain myself to keep that connection strong. If it works out that way great, but it is usually because the other person put a lot of effort into remaining in contact. I almost always have a deep impact on the people whose lives I enter, but at the same time, I am transient by nature, drifting in and out of deep friendships easily.

Homemaker – This is a title of duty, this is the role I took on as a spouse, and one I am transitioning out of. My sense of duty and discipline are strong, and I push myself hard to fulfill my perceived duties, I do not want to be a detriment to the people around me, we are in each others lives for the greater benefit, or we are not in each others lives any more. My sense of self respect is tied toward fulfilling all the tasks I associate with this title, which is pretty much the role of a traditional wife, and while I may not be step-ford perfect in keeping an immaculate house, and homemade cooking every day, I am diligent in ensuring that the house is not filthy, and at most is a liveable chaotically clutter from just having too much stuff. The more help I receive in keeping the house clean, the better it looks, but in general, I am the sole person who maintains the house steadily. Others do help, but help is sporadic, and sometimes, not with a pleasant attitude. On the cooking aspect of things, I am part homemade and part convenience, I am not going to go through the pain of making my own pasta, but 90 percent of the meals are not frozen food reconstituted for consumption, or prepared meals coming out of a box. In a household of 9 people, with an infant and a 2 year old, I happen to believe I am doing a remarkable job, enough to fulfill my sense of self respect. But the duties are cooking, cleaning, and ensuring the smooth operation of the rest of the household affairs as oversight committee.

Intelligent – Let me clarify what intelligence is not, and what it is. Intelligence is not, knowledge, nor is it being Knowledgeable; Intelligence is not competency; Intelligence is a measure of one's general aptitude for figuring things out. The ability to use logic, to understand new situations, ideas, or concepts. It affects my behavior, because in order for me to feel justified in claiming to be intelligent, I have to endeavor in trying to gain true understanding of new situations, ideas, or concepts. For me, in order to gain true understanding of something, it must be first entered into in a state of open mindedness and a lack of predisposition towards one viewpoint or another, becoming intimate and knowledgeable with all facets of something; looking at it from all perspectives, then deciding which approach or perspective works best for me. Of course, I only have my own foundation to work from, so the more attention I pay toward my overall education, only increases my capacity for future understanding. Skepticism is an admirable trait to have, but too much invites a dogmatic view of the world just as lack of skepticism does. Having skepticism does not make one intelligent, though often times skeptics tend to wish to attain true understanding more often than not, so more skeptics raise to intellectual heights. For myself, I choose to allow just the proper amount to test, and push boundaries, but not so much, that I think I already know without experience. Quantifiable things can be known definitively, the realm of subjective experience, has often times been looked at too harshly from skeptics, closing the mind, too early I think in some cases.

Creative – This indirectly affects intelligence, because often times logic can only take you so far, and then ingenuity and creative leaps of logic into the realm of the unknown, unverified, and untested, take you the rest of the way. Creativity is both a way of relating to the world, and a method of expression. As a way of relating to the world, I don't really have words to describe it. As a method of expression, it is engaged when every you are creating some thing original to you, it might not be original, but that doesn't really matter, so long as it is not just a repetition of past insights, or works, it has a sense of newness to it. Not really sure how this affects my behavior overtly, I just view the world through an artist eyes, and in the way I pay attention to the world around me. I love expressing myself, I love day dreaming, I love a lot of things about being creative. It is something you just are though, not sure how it can truly be harnessed as a behavior, or a learnable skill. Perhaps I am just so far down this rabbit hole, that like a fish in the ocean, I can't describe what water is. I think it can be inspired, but not taught.

Authentic – The only dogma I hold in my life, is make sure the thoughts in my head are mine. I have systematically erased all notions of morality (assuming I actually had some to begin with), cultural and societal expectations, role expectations, any expectations other than the ones I have placed on myself willingly. I then reconstructed my own ethical and moral code, based primarily on my understanding on the constructivity and deconstrutivity of actions, as they relate toward my own goals in life. In this way, I am authentic toward myself, fully and truly authentic with myself. If I arrive at the same conclusion as someone else, and behave in ways that others would consider to be Moral, so be it, if I am at odds with traditional morality or culture, so be it. I am well and truly the happiest and most content in life, when I am existing in a state of alignment with myself, most people are.

Individualistic – Kinda the same thing as being Authentic, more of a recognition, that the beliefs I hold, the manner in which I choose to conduct myself, and the face I choose to present to the world, is rather unique in its makeup. Does not influence my behavior, as it is a recognition of what others think of me.

Non-Judgmental – Once again, because everyone judges, be it deciding if you are a mustard or ketchup person, I mean this more in a don't hold it against others, enter into things with a lack of prejudice, evaluate individuals as individuals. And that is how it affects my behavior.

Frugal – It makes me give more consideration toward where I wish to allocate the meager funds I have available, it makes me carefully examine what I am currently doing, versus what I wish to do or work towards.

Disciplined – It allows me to accomplish important tasks irregardless of my current interest or desire levels, it allows me to stay focused on long term benefits vs short term gains, and weigh them accordingly.

Calm – As I already stated, relaxed and peaceful resonate with me, if I am not enjoying the current state I am in, either because I am angry, resentful, or some other draining emotion that is not being constructive, I default back toward my natural desired state, which is relaxed and peaceful. If I find the emotion/feeling to my disliking but still useful or constructive, I let it run its course, generally these are the periods of greatest creative expression for me. It influences my behavior, in that this is a state I actually seek out to experience as an expression of my natural state of being.

Level-Headed – Recognition label that has little impact on behavior, I am not easily budged out of my mental states except when I allow it. I maintain control of my cognitive abilities; worry, nervousness, panic, etc. do not take root in my mind. I view them as mostly pointless feelings that serve no constructive function, that can not be better attained with different actions and feelings. Actually, I am just now realizing that it inspires me to seek out all instances where I view fear as being unhealthy and deconstructive to the situation, and actively replacing it with something that works better. That is how it affects my behavior.

Realist – Inspires the desire for brutal honesty with myself and the world around me, to see things exactly as they are objectively. Commonly mistaken for being pessimistic, it is not my fault of reality seems to align more often with the pessimistic view of reality. Inspite of being a realist, I am an upbeat person, taking inspiration that knowing my situation, allows me to take effective action to change it if I so desire.

Spiritual-Non-Religious - Well this would really deserve its own post, but at its heart Authenticity and Self Growth, are my religion. Claiming this lack of a label, as my label, allows me the freedom to lead a deeply spiritual life on my own terms, in the way that best suits me as an individual.

Gamer – I game, claiming this title, inspires me to seek out fellow gamers, and interact with them. I game for many various reasons, but two are central in my life, I am either bored/stuck/depressed, or otherwise trying to escape reality by just not thinking about it right now, or I am engaging in it socially because I like the quality of people who tend to like to also claim this title, they are interesting and quirky, varied, and generally fun to be around. When I am the former, I generally tend to enjoy many various console or computer RPG's for their storyline and content. When I am the latter, I am either engaging in Table Top Pen an Paper RPG's for the freedom of expression and the quality of people, or I am engaged in some competitive multi-player game online. My current choice is League of Legends, but I have enjoyed EVE greatly in the past (Just not a space ship person, and I am eagerly avidly, frothing at the mouth here, awaiting World of Darkness Online, which is also being done by CCP with White Wolf's help for content. CCP lacked substance in game for EVE when I was playing, but the player driven environment, and just everything about it from a technical aspect was highly enjoyable, and you better do WoD Online justice, or I might consider becoming an militant activist on principle, targeting all the people who sold out to make a quick buck in the gaming industry. Quality here, quality.)

Overweight – I have allocated a lot of time toward understanding mainstream, and contemporary nutrition and exercise. I am very knowledgeable in this area, but I find a lack of motivation to actually put it into practice, because I am actually quite happy with my body image. But, I do feel better at lower weights, and this is experience based evidence, that I would find being 200 or below optimal. I have recently found motivation that doesn't have to do with body image and have been using my knowledge enthusiasticly, to maintain control of my weight without destroying myself in the process.

Introvert – This is a recognition title as well, and as such does not influence behavior but is more of an identification of behavior I already engage in, there is no real inspiration from this title, it just sorta fits. Except for Myth number 5 and 9, in which I am perfectly fine in crowds, just not socializing with crowds, it just fits. http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts I am fairly versatility and adaptable to the situations I thrust myself into, or that I am put into, so I have outgoing capabilities, but not extrovert tendencies. I can enjoy a good party with lots of people around, but I do need that one person I am connecting with to truly enjoy the party for its own sake. Sometimes crazy and existing outside your comfort zone is good, and being an Introvert is definitely my comfort zone. *Smiles*

Sociopath – This is my own personal daemon, that I struggle with, trying to get it synergizing with mainstream culture, because lets face it, despite the fact that I have a high degree of psychopathy, and the host of undesirable traits that comes with it, I recognize that catering to that aspect of myself is not conducive towards integrating with society and existing peacefully in any meaningful way, despite the fact that it is an intrinsic part of who I am. I do not try to change it, I try to channel it, use the cold logic when I need it, to make decisions that others may think heartless, but that are ultimately the most constructive towards my goals. I have an extremely violent tendencies, and a predisposition towards anger/rage. The mind is infinitely mutable however, and I did manage to self correct the vast majority of my predispositions that I intellectually recognized as self limiting, both in my capacity to build and maintain meaningful relationships and that would be a hindrance towards my capacity to thrive in this life/world. So, with a hefty regimen of meditation, awareness training of my own mental states, and self control and discipline training, all natural violent impulses have been curbed for the most part, except in situations of extreme frustration in which I can not readily decontaminate myself. I manage my anger issues extremely effectively, unfortunately it is a constant effort, and I can come across as Emotionless to those who do not know better. I have very strong emotions, very strong, and it took quite a lot of effort not to become a slave to my emotional states. I also had to undergo a lot of self induced mental reshaping. I used Buddhist Compassion training and Tantric Looking on an Object in Love, to cultivate some modicum of capacity to form connections with people. I term this love, I don't know if it is or not, I really don't care, it is a pleasurable experience for me, to be generous and service oriented towards those I come to care about, something that is not traditionally even capable of someone who has a high degree of psychopathy. But since I recognize that I had to actually train myself for this, it was not instilled in me from birth, or I didn't learn how to do it growing up, I claim to be a high functioning sociopath *Winks*. A lot of my moral code is formed form a high degree of intellectual awareness of how the world around me functions and operates, and an understanding of the principles that may make it function more effective and efficiently, with a socialist/communist people oriented approach rather than a traditional materialistic success oriented approach, again, thanks in large part to my self growth and mental reshaping. My desire to harness all the beneficial aspects of this part of myself, while curbing its more destructive traits, plays a central theme in my life, and is one of the reasons I am obsessed with mastery and understanding of my self, and my limitations. Finding a way to synergize this experience, such that I can be myself in the least damaging, most enjoyable way possible. Because of the massive amount of work involved, the mental restructuring and conditioning, most people would never come to understand this as an aspect of myself. Most people tend to view me as saintly, because of my capacity to handle stress and frustration with grace, my general generous nature towards people I come to care about, my service oriented existence constantly looking at how best I can improve upon the lives of those who enter my own. A lot of work went into cultivating that, and I still don't feel like it is as good as it could be, I am designing myself to thrive, and I am working on increasing my capacity to feel alive.

Honest – A central part of any self growth effort, I am extremely honest with myself, self analyzing behaviors and decisions. I still make mistakes, but being honest about it, allows me to work on the aspects of myself that I feel need working on. So I can live up to my own high codus of behavior easily and effectively. I am most strict with myself, and I keep high standards of conduct in place. I try to live in such a manner, that when I look at the person in the mirror, I can feel pride at the person starring back, because I am living to the best of my potential.

Trustworthy – I recognize that being trustworthy is necessary to build relations with others, and to work together as a community and group. I strive to always keep my promises, although some times people like to put words in my mouth, and claim promises I never gave with my heart. Coercion in order to wrangle a half hearted promise out of me isn't going to feel very meaningful for me to indulge in, unless it serves my purposes. For the most part, being trustworthy serves my purposes, and that is fundamentally why I strive to be as such. I do let people down form time to time though, I am only human after all, but to let it happen too often would be a disservice to myself, and a form of self disrespect, which I hold in high esteem. Being respectable, IE living in accordance to my own values and beliefs.

Pragmatic – Claiming this label inspires me to evaluate old standardized methods, and allow myself to be open to new more efficient or effective methods. Just because something is established, doesn't mean it is best, just because something is new, doesn't mean it is good, Pragmatics focus most on what works, not where it comes from. Regardless of the source, a good idea is a good idea, if it resonates with you and works, use it.

Male – I tend to think in terms of non gender, but I have a penis, therefore clinically I am male. It does not inspire any behavior outside of biological predispositions. It does however seem to project an amazing amount of cultural and societal expectations toward me, as to how I should behave and what makes a Man. For the past 5 years, I have been fullfilling all the roles and expectations of the traditional wife, I cooked, I cleaned, I managed and cultivated the children. Its hard work, or I should say it can be, not everyone actually tries to fulfill all the duties expected of that role while in it, I did though, and I found it to be much more physically and mentally demanding then my time in the military. I would think, only basic training demanded more out of me. But then again, I also took it upon myself to fulfill the expectation that my Ex should be allowed to rest and relax when she came home, and I should wait on her hand and foot most of the time. *Grins* I think that traditional aspect of being a “wife” had been mostly done away with by many who no longer live in the 1950's. But, I am pretty sure you can still find cases of it, you always will. Anyway, none of this has anything to do with Male directly, and it is mostly in the past now. In short, it was an example of how I don't conform to gender roles just because it is expected of me. I took on that burden because I chose to, and because I recognized it as most beneficial in the moment for my goals, but it did lead to burnout.

Confident – Most of these labels are recognition labels I am coming to see, and very few actually modify or inspire behavior directly, but rather describe aspects of myself that just are. In general I approach reality as if my desired outcome is a forgone conclusion, and only needs the effort from me to make it a manifest. Evidence seems to support this conclusion, but I think that is true of just about anyone who does the same. Confidence and Effort, breeds success. I still fail at bringing about my desired short term goals form time to time, but I learn from my mistakes, and always push forward. Mistakes are inevitable, learning from them is not.

Explorer – This label inspires me to push myself to my limits, and explore my own depths and heights. It inspires me to seek out new experiences, and tune into reality. Whether is it trying new international cuisine, exploring new subculture from the inside out by participating, exploring new ways of thinking, all aspects of life have a way to see the world with curiosity and wonder. In in the end, it is that sense of wonder and curiosity that truly makes the explorer, feel like one. Approach life with curiosity, wonder, and a desire to figure it out through participation.

Examine each of these behaviors, and determine what benefit it brings into your life, and how it negatively impacts your life, and list them.

I may edit this in the future, but for now, I am going to leave it as is and get back to it.

 

A image blooms...

The tiny humanoid creature struggles and screams in a mixture of indignation and fear, defiant to the last, but very much afraid of what was coming. He was dressed in the regalia and finery of a king, and he very much felt he should be treated better then this; and, indeed his clothing was quite fine, if not bright; the vary starkness of that particular hue of black would be quite startling to look upon, by mortals. An impossible shade of black to capture in mere cloth, accented and given contrast by thin lines of somber golds and purples. His fine clothing only served to paint the disparity of his own features; for he, instead of adding dignity and regal bearing to the clothing, only served to strike a comic appearance, being ill suited for his current garb. Of course, the sight of two delicate fingers picking him up by his hawkish balding head, did nothing to add to his dignity either, and when she set him down one square from where he had been, the terror in his eyes darkened the image.

Sprawled on the floor clutching his ebony crown, he could do nothing; not struggle, nor scream; neither run, nor could he fight. The words that seemed to enscroll his body glowed now. They weren't apparent before; but now, they looked as if chains, binding and constricting him from action. So all he could do was look on helpless, knowing the outcome, having experienced this all to often; look on, and up, at his tormentors, his antagonists. The White King, and the Black Queen, both watching the game with intensity, their features, inhuman. His eyes looked on as if dead already as spike pierced flesh and bone alike, breaking it easily. The heft of a spiked maul, conveying the mock appearance of a scepter, solidly connected with a sickening thud; collapsing the skull of the poor little king, his cerebral juices pooling red on the white square beneath him.

Stifling a sigh of annoyance, the Black Queen glanced over the balcony at the mass of mangled and broken corpses that littered the checkered floor, with an air of disgust, as if to blame the bodies for her lack of skill at the game. She watched as her servants went about stripping the bodies of their clothing so they could be restored to their former condition.

“Maybe next time.” She said, and turned to look at an image of the White King watching her, sitting at his own thrown, looking down on a checkered table, with diminutive humanoid figures that resembled the hulking and brutish Ogres reforming ranks on the floor below. She shot him a coy and seductive smile saying, “I'll beat you some day, don't get too cocky.” Her voice like silk on the air, with a hint of danger to it, predatory. She motioned to board in front of her, where her new pieces were already in place.  Most looked like beast-kin but some looked like the humans they once were, all had the stink of fear and squalor, mixed with a powerful sense of dread.  “Again?”

A nightmare fades...

 

This piece was written for @PallidPen for the DOWP: Stratagem