November 22, 2012
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Generic Post: Thursday, Nov 22, 2012.
Life: So, my Ex's Lover was asked to watch two dogs, one pit-bull, and one german shepherd; by extension, I was asked to help because he has work at night, and tends to disappear at random. Yesterday, he went to the court house because of a speeding ticket. While he was gone, the dogs were digging under the fence. I found out and tried to repair it, in some make shift way, so that they could not escape. I thought that placing some large obstacle in the hole, would serve to discourage them from trying to dig in the same spot, until some more permanent solution could be found; also allowing me to tend the children. While doing this however, I stepped on a rusty nail that was protruding from a board on the ground. I did not see it because of the large object I was carrying. It went through my sandal and punctured my left foot. *Frowns* Initially, it was just minor localized pain, and slight swelling. I figured I would just clean the area and apply Neosporin, which is what I did. Only, the dogs decided that they didn't care about the object I placed in their hole, and between the three of them (My own dog probably helped) they moved the object and escaped the yard. Fortunately, my Ex's Lover was able to get home just in time to see them escaping. I proceeded to try to help finding the dogs, but with my injury, I was limping at a pace that was not conducive for the search, aggravating the injury, and possibly causing it to swell more then needed. The pain levels and swelling started to increase, so I called the Nurse Advice line, and they advised that I go to the emergency room. I called my Ex and told her what the nurses told me, that I should be seen in the next two hours, but because of her job I wasn't expecting her to be able to take me. I was right, 3 hours later, the dogs found another way out of the yard, they chewed right through the gate. This time I didn't have my Ex's Lover around to help, I don't know where he went, but he wasn't home, which is rather typical. I tried my best, but the pit-bull was not recovered, and my pain levels and swelling reached incapacitating highs. I decided to text my Ex again, telling her that I kinda needed to get to the ER because it was becoming bad. Turns out, that she could have picked me up earlier, because she was already at the ER waiting with someone, but because she thought it wasn't pressing at the time, she decided not to force the issue to come pick me up.
I spent 4 hours in the ER mostly waiting, and I think being forgotten about. *Smiles* My room was cold, I don't know why they have it so cold in there, but I actually had to ask for a blanket because it was that cold. I did get my Tetanus booster though, and some antibiotics for the most common illness associated with stepping on a rusty nail with shoes on. I could wish that it didn't take so long, but I was able to keep myself entertained daydreaming. My Ex also checked herself in for her lower back pain, and was issued Valium. So she was kinda loopy while we picked up our Meds at the Pharmacy. I know she loves me, and she wants to work this out, but it is just not going to happen. Like usual, during the course of our conversation, she got angry and started verbally fighting with me, during the car ride back. Perhaps Nagging would be a more apt word then fighting, as it takes two to fight, and most of the time, when I see it heading that direction I disengage from the conversation recognizing that nothing constructive will come out of it, because her mind set is fixed and closed minded. Strange thing is, it is over stuff that no longer holds importance, because we are no longer in a committed relationship with each other, we still have sex, but the expectations that are present in the Marriage, are no longer present because we are separated. It is because she can't let go of me, and view us as no longer married (I know the divorce isn't court ordered yet so technically we still are) that she has such difficulties. When she is viewing me as a friend, when she is viewing me as not her spouse, and so, no longer held by the same expectations she used to hold towards me; she isn't intolerable to be around, I still dislike her overall personality, and many of her immature and irresponsible actions, but because I view us as separated now, I no longer need those aspects to change for my own happiness, I am free to work towards building my own independence so I can remove myself from the situation, and only experience the best she has to offer, and allow her to be who she is with out the need for her to change for the improvement of my own day to day affairs and life.
Anyway, at least all the prep work for Thanksgiving still was accomplished. Even with my injury getting worse (Like the Docs said it would, tomorrow it is supposed to go down, and I go back for Re evaluation of the wound), I still spent a couple hours in the kitchen helping to make Thanksgiving Dinner, I am thankful that my Mother had decided to make most of it herself, very thankful for that now, more so than before. She has her own In-Law appt., mostly because she decided to come live with me, so she could get her financial assets in order, she was and still is technically, drowning in debt. It is nice to have people around you can trust to come through for you in tight situations. I think she was dis-enamored with Thanksgiving this year though, the illusion of how she wanted it to come together, didn't quite clash with reality. The family cohesion just wasn't there, the food was good, but we ate at different times, and disjointed from one another. No family and friends sitting around a table, laughing, having a good time, sharing stories of the past, and sharing what they are thankful for. Instead, we ate spread out around the house, half watching TV, the other half on their computers, or going back to their own private house to eat an intimate meal together. *Smiles* The only thing traditional about this Thanksgiving, was the bounty and type of food.
That is the great thing about being a person free of expectations, when things don't turn out to be exactly as you expect them to be, you can still be ok, or even better than ok. I am content with life right now, and I was not disappointed over the lack of connectedness that I feel should be present in Thanksgiving. It saddens me only a little, because it reflects a much greater, systemic, disconnect present in this house. These people are buried in whatever allows them to best escape, distract, or disengage from.... life. Do not get me wrong, I am not harping on the horrors of video games and TV, or of mass media. But when the priority in your life, is to come home and unwind from a day you let stress you out, by watching endless hours of one tv show or another on your computer, with your headphones on; and, every time one of your children comes up and interrupts your TV time, you get frustrated until you eventually send them to their room, or to go watch tv, anything to leave you alone; the priories are slightly skewed there, *Grins* Even if my Ex's Lover is hardly here, at least he is going out to experience life, even if it is just another form of escape for him, so that he doesn't have to sit to long, alone, with himself. I no longer feel suffocated by the lack of connection present in this house, because I am working on, and toward my freedom. It isn't like I haven't tried, many, numerous times, to pull these people out of themselves. With the financial irresponsibility present in this house, coming up with the funds to go out and enjoy ourselves with out fear of being lacking in some other crucial aspect of life, is rather difficult. Oh well, *Smiles* I guess this post is part life, part reflections and ramblings. I still do what I can, even with the meger funds to at least spend some time with the children, so they have one parent there for them. It is going to be tough on them, when I leave, but I will still strive my best to maintain a presence in their life, but I really do need to focus on my own. If my wife didn't value family so much, even if she isn't particularly good at its practice, I would take them with me. But I am not willing to fight for them, there is no need to add that burden, and they will be fine, no more dysfunctional them my own childhood, and I grew up just fine. I will mitigate from afar, but I am not going to let the expectation that I need to live my life for my children, become my identity. I see my Ex's Lover, who left his own marriage with children involved, and his Ex uses the child as leverage, to squeeze the very life out of his eyes at times; but his upbringing, and the weight of duty and obligation towards his child, has him trapped, and even though he left because of the damage she was doing to him, the discontent she was bringing into his life, he is allowing her to continue the abuse, continue to depress and anger him. I will not make that mistake, first off, I am very much a tough love person; it might sound cruel, but if when I leave, she continues with the financial irresponsibility and decides to leave her job, I will offer no more then what the courts make me, even if it leads to my own children starving on the streets, without a home. My sense of duty and obligation vanished the moment I said I wanted a Divorce, I don't say or do things lightly, and it took me 6 years to finally figure out I just couldn't make it work. I allowed myself to become suicidal before I recognized that I needed to get out, for my own sanity, and my own health and life. The sense of hopelessness was just that thick. Back to what I was saying, I will see the good it will be for them, to have that experience, and carry a frame of reference around, a point that they can look to and say, truly and honestly, at least it could be worse. The trick will be teaching them to view it as such, so that they can take inspiration and strength from even the darkest periods of their life. A crash course in growing up, especially for my Ex. I don't wish poverty on her, but I want her very much to wise up, and start making better decisions.
May peace favor you my friends,
Oh yeah, and Happy Turkey day to the my fellow Xangans @quantumstorm @myhomeiswriting @liquidityofself @somewhatabstractelf @endlessdepths @sasgal and @zeal4living; and to those people I know in real life who happen to read this.
I hope your own Holidays (assuming you celebrated) brought you joy and or happiness/contentment.
"Audio file coming upon future edit:"
Comments (14)
I'm only going to say this much, because it really isn't my place to judge you, though I can't deny that my first instinct was to do just that. Your attitude towards your kids bothers me greatly, but perhaps, because you see things this way, it is best if you aren't involved in their lives. If you were to do it grudgingly, then you aren't helping them any more than you are by abandoning them. Granted, I don't know the whole situation, but coming from a home where my parents divorced, living alone with my psychobitch of a mother for nine months before finally wising up and going back home with my father and brother, I have a hard time understanding your perspective; it's nothing but fucking selfish in my eyes. Also, having battled the suicide bug since I was twelve, I can say I have some understanding of that as well. But, as I said, my perception is colored only by my own experiences. I don't know the details, and I'm sure they might change the way I see things, but to me, under no circumstances should a parent feel it is okay to abandon their children, or leave them to their own devises. Yes, they will have to grow up someday, but I believe it's a parent's duty and responsibility to guide their children through life, and to be there when needed most. Feel free to disregard everything, I'm sure you would anyway.
Happy turkey day to you too!
And from the looks of it, you've been through some rough stuff, and I'm not just talking about the foot wound. Though, I would be a little more worried about letting my children starve on the street, but that's just me. I can understand the tough love approach and that's been my approach nowadays when it comes to dealing with romance. Good luck!
@MyHomeIsWriting - *Smiles* I did say some would think it is a callous or cruel thought, and perhaps I am selfish in the eyes of many who think as you do. But, I have been a beyond amazing father with my children over the years, I have been the stay at home father, who tends to their needs, shows them love, mentors them, treats them with respect. There is not one person, anyone, whom you could find, that wouldn't say anything other than: "He is and has been an Amazing father." It is because of my patience, my kindness, my willingness to not respond in a state of anger, to see the entirety of a situation, to encourage them, to be present with them most of the time. My fathering extends to all members of the household, even the children that are not biologically mine, all of them are cared for with equal tenderness, and care for nurturing the best in them. I have led a life similar to your own, you know this, you know some of my past. My parents divorced when I was 3, I was separated from my brother and sister and in foster care by the time I was 4. When I was 6 my father gained custody, and he was and abusive drug addict who had a drinking problem. My life, has never been easy, but I have become a very Dignified and Respectable person, who has been, and will continue to be a good father. So if you think that "it is best if you aren't involved in their lives" because of my perspective on things, you are entitled to your belief. But saying a statement like that without proper perspective, or understanding behind a thought, isn't very becoming of you. *Smiles* But than again, that brashness of yours is something I admire. *Winks* You are right, it is not your place to judge, but you will, most people do, it seems to be a human trait. I never said I would abandon them, but, I would be doing them a disservice if I enabled the behavior of their mother more, then if necessity, which is the mother of invention, stepped in and forced her to grow up. Perhaps they would end up back in my care, and then I would ensure that the rest of their lives, were tended to much as I have been for the past 6 years. Don't feed the trolls, isn't that a popular internet turn of phase, because you only feed into what is making them a troll. I can not, in good conscience, in my own moral code, which may very well be twisted with the dispassionate bent of logic and getting results, feed the troll. I could not disrespect my self in that manner any more, I have been enabling for too long, barring the burden of parenting almost solo, with her mostly just supplying the money. I choose not to be an enabler, not to abandon my children, and looking back at my own sorted past, I know the value in frame of reference. Why do you think that some of the people with the most fucked up lives, end up finding more solace and happiness in their old age, then those of privileged natures. Calloused, possibly, necessary, definitely. I will step up, and step in, when necessary, I am not going to be absent in totality, I may not even be absent, physically, but I need to tend to my foundation first, such that I am even in a position to lend them a helping hand when necessary. So, if you desire to understand more of the situation, feel free to ask your questions, perhaps we can even engage in a philosophical debate of the merits of the many varied positions that can be taken in this situation. But your are being overly influenced, by the press exception, such that you speak before you have all your facts in, such that you judge before you know the situation in its entirety, such that you haven't' even considered the mentality behind, or merits of, the other persons thought process. I must go, for now, I may pick up where I left off. But, I feel no need to.
@QuantumStorm - Thank you, for the wish of Happiness on this day. *Smiles*
The tough love approach is not geared toward the children, it is geared toward my Ex, and I have indeed lead a very tough life, if you read some of the above reply to MyHome, it alludes to it. I would not let the starve to death, that would be senseless, but impressing the realism of reality into my Ex, would be worth a week or two on the streets, or the courts defaulting parental rights towards myself, or even foster care. She is not physically abusive, but she is very distant emotionally, and she has sever stress/anger issues, her idealism and beliefs, do not reflect in her everyday conduct, because in part, she has had no need to do things differently, it has been working for her, to have me take care and manage everything in the house, and see toward the children needs. She has her beliefs in how things should be, and when I don't conform, it gets ugly, and it has been taken out on the children, with either short temperament and overreactions to their misgivings, or flat out mentally abusive language. Without me, she won't have the provocations to mentally abuse the children, because that is almost always a result of her views on parenting and parenthood clashing with my own, she is very authoritarian, I am more of a mentor or guide, I do not feel it necessary to have my children conform for conformity sake to make my life easier. Her temper tantrums lash out at all around her, so the necessity of removing myself is apparent, by herself, she is very loving in her own way, but she doesn't understand that the children aren't going to find a showing of gifts because she feels guilty over her own behavior, a viable replacement for just being more present in their lives then she is. Her temperament, of don't bother me, go away, needs to change for their sake. I will repay my karmic debt, if necessary by adoption, or being their to pick up the aftermath, of her parenting skills, but with the bias towards mothers in courts, and the fact that I know taking away her children would break her completely, this is the best course of action for me, and for them. I am not so hung up on blood relations, that I need my contribution toward society be with my own blood, I have never had a strong sense of family, my past doesn't allow for it. But, I will not just turn my back and walk away either, I will be there when needed, in whatever capacity I think will be most beneficial for the situation, and at the moment, it is cultivating the very real mentality, that I am not going to be there to help her maintain this current life of hers. I am willing to help, those who are willing to help themselves. I am not going to feed the trolls. Her heart is in the right place, she needs to get her actions there to, and necessity is a very good catalyst.
@silveranstavern - It is only callous or cruel without perspective, which is the way it was presented. I said my first instinct was to judge, and yes, I did, but I recognized almost instantly what I was doing. People would do the same to my father because he let me go live with my mother for nine months by myself, knowing full well what I was going to experience. I think the two of you have probably been through a lot of the same shit. All I know is what I've seen my father go through, and what I went through myself with my mother.
I think what got me most was the starving in the streets comment. I understand what you'd be trying to accomplish, but I still stand by the idea that letting the children suffer, even a little, to teach her a lesson, is unnecessary. They are not toys to be played with, they are human beings. But of course, just because I view it as wrong doesn't make it so, and nor does it mean I expect radical change in your own views. You put it out on the internet, and if you thought no one would read and think whatever they wanted and then voice those opinions, you shouldn't have posted it in the first place.
Perhaps I am an assuming, selfish bitch. Wouldn't be the first time. I merely call it as I see it, which isn't always a good trait to have. I have lost no respect for your writing, however. You still, as always, present yourself with talent I can only envy.
@MyHomeIsWriting - *Smiles* Part of the reason I put my thoughts out there to be evaluated in the first place is to receive feedback that challenges my beliefs, provoking me to both think, defend, and further expand my view; or change it because I could not. I am not criticising your point of view, I am speaking mostly to the fact that your innate disposition, was not to seek a more clearer view of the situation first. Rather than entering into the mindset of curiosity, of "what would provoke a person go to such an extreme to say something like that?" there was instead an apparent lack of desire to understand, a lack of desire to obtain further information; if that view of things is false, it is how it appeared, and in its place was a feeling of condemnation, of snap judgment. People snap judge all the time, it is ok, I personally prefer to hold my weight of opinions until I have been able to take in the entirety of something first, and I happen to believe that the world in general might be a better place as a whole, if more people exhibited that trait first and foremost when encountered with something new, or that they are at odds with. I could be wrong, the only way to truly know is to fundamentally change core aspects of the human race as a whole, and that is beyond my power, and since my hypothesis can not be proven, or dis-proven, it is likely to remain as it is, and people who seek to challenge that particular belief in a permanent stalemate. *Winks* I forgot my manners earlier, I hope your Holiday went well. I did wish you a Happy thanksgiving in the post, but I think it got lost at the time.
@silveranstavern - I won't deny that at first I began to judge without hesitation, but then I realized with only so much information to go on, how is a person not to judge? We make our judgments based upon information we have at the time, and yes they may change with further information, but the only way to gain that information is through exchange. I could have approached my sentiments much better, and I should have. I won't deny that. And for that I do apologize.
Despite all of what you're going through, I do hope you've had a pleasant holiday. I know first hand how shitty divorce can be, at least from the children's perspective. I hope never to know from a participant's perspective, because honestly, watching it once was more than enough. At the very least these sorts of things help you realize what you really are thankful for, and through this communication tonight I've begun seriously reflecting on my relationship with, and my view of, my father. So thanks for that. You got me thinking.
Happy Thanksgiving, man.
Thank you for the pleasant surprise of being mentioned by you in this blog entry. I really value it. Being South African, thanks giving day often passes us by without even being aware of it. So seeing your message made my day. You wrote this entry very well, and I enjoyed reading your blog.
happy thanksgiving
i'm glad you are moving in a direction that seems more solid to youi'm sorry about you hurting yourself!and,i am really glad you're here on xanga again.your ex--seems like she and you have a lot of threads still connecting.this whole process is going to be rough but seems like you've got your head on right.keep writingkeep livingkeep striving
@MyHomeIsWriting - well said, jen
@silveranstavern - Interesting thoughts...
hm
Happy (delayed) Turkey Day!!
This could not polbissy have been more helpful!
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