November 20, 2012

• Play the Game.

  The winds of change are on the air, and the currents of life are shifting.  I will be starting my blog anew, to better reflect my current disposition and thoughts, I will also try to actually use it as a journal, not just to record my thoughts and reflections on life, but also to just keep track of life and its passing, that way I am writing something everyday, even if it isn't overly interesting.  *Smiles*

  I have firmly set my course now, me and my wife are getting a divorce.  Those that took the time to read The Monster might be clued in on the intensity of feelings I have associated with her, and this marriage.  In the end, I started this relationship on the wrong foundation, and what I need in terms of equality and partnership, I now recognize that she is incapable of giving me, and though she may well get to where I need her to be eventually, I can't wait the 15 years it may very well take, and remain in the relationship.  The intensity of things is too much, way to much, hurt and pain, associated here.

  So now that I have firmly set my course, I need to get back on my feet.  It is kinda hard to do when you have allowed your life to become the marriage, and your every waking moment was spent tending toward the other person's happiness in the end, and the sad irony of it, is that the tending meant next to nothing to them, so used were they at the expectation of it all, that they were blind to its inherent importance.  We just are to different, and express our selves so different, that the feeling of importance, and how much the other person means, just didn't translate, and the way she wants me to translate her importance to me, just isn't going to work anymore.  So, we agreed to end things, on amicable terms.  I hope it stays that way, but I fear she still may have to much expectation to retain her sense of peace.

  I need to look to me now though, and figure out the direction and foundation of my own accordance.  Let things fall as they may, and I will pick up the pieces and rebuild.  I have always been good at constructing life, as if I was a master artisan, and this experiencing thing my medium.  The only piece I am able to play is my own, I can't play all the pieces on this board, as much as I might wish to at times.  Time to play the game again, to move my own piece again, and not have fumbling hands move it for me.  I really wish her the best, but like a butterfly struggling to get free of its cocoon  if you help free it, the wings just won't develop, and it won't be able to fly.  Some people just need to struggle needlessly.  I hope she is able to swim when she is thrown into the lake, but I won't reach out my hand to grab her, she needs it to much, to experience that drowning, to gain some perspective.  Life isn't easy, life can be enjoyable, but it isn't easy, and hard choices have to be made.  Like the choice, no matter how many times you get hurt or fail at something, always throw yourself into with zeal.  Who cares if this game of life is set to difficult, or impossible even, it is time to play the game and not time to keep throwing the controller across the room in frustration.  Play the game, and get better at it, learn to enjoy the difficulties, let the difficulty itself be enjoyable for the challenge of it.  Play the game my friends.

  My wife tries to overprotect herself out of fear of being hurt, and it seems like she slowly is set toward the path of burning everyone that comes into her life, right out of it, over one slight or another.  So they can't do it again.  She is just too judgmental, and easily offended, I thought those were things I could help her get over, you know, lead by example.  *Smiles*  But, I am seeing now, that my reasons for being with her were wrong, they were the wrong reasons to start a relationship.  I thought she needed to heal, I thought that when she healed, she would be able to see life like I do.  I wanted her to get over her fears, but I see now, more clearly then before, that I don't need that.  She is fine just the way she is, it is her life after all, her choice to express it how she chooses, I let her have the control in the relationship in the first place, and I think that was a mistake.  No, the mistake was joining the relationship, based on the potential of what she could be.  I thought that the healing process would bring us closer together, and it did, it inspired such devotion in me, such great heights of love, and compassion, but the feeling has transmuted now, and I am used up and burnt out.  I will not make the same mistake in the future.  It is always OK to offer others advice, and to wish for their well-being, but you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where you satisfaction in life is dependent on them learning it.

  She holds her her own piece, she always has, I never took that from her, like she did me.  I hope she learns how to play the game, and enjoy it.  She holds back, to hesitant to move, for fear of making a mistake, for fear of getting hurt, for fear of....

  I leave you with one of my favorite songs.

   

  Incubus - Drive

  Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
  And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear 
  Take the wheel and steer

  It's driven me before
  And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
  But lately I am beginning to find 
  That I should be the one behind the wheel

  Whatever tomorrow brings
  I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

  Whatever tomorrow brings
  I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

  So if I decide to waiver my chance 
  To be one of the hive
  Will I choose water over wine 
  And hold my own and drive?

  It's driven me before 
  And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
  But lately I am beginning to find 
  That when I drive myself my light is found

  So whatever tomorrow brings
  I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeh

  Whatever tomorrow brings
  I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

  Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
  Would you choose water over wine
  Hold the wheel and drive?

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