Below are some questions that I ask myself sometimes just to take stock of myself, and my life. For those of you who wish to take up this challenge, answer the following questions in great depth, and with brutal honesty. I plan on this becoming a series, with new questions and themes each time I issue the challenge. I hope for good participation, so if you happen to like the idea of this challenge, even if you do not wish to participate yourself, promote it however you see fit. I would be interested in reading peoples responses to these questions, so if you do decide to take up the challenge, please let me know when you post your response.  I have a new post indicating a good example ---> HERE <----

 

XANGA CHALLENGE: LABELS

 

What labels do I attach to myself?

 

How and why, do I identify with each of these labels?

 

How do I allow these labels to affect my behavior?

 

Examine each of these behaviors, and determine what benefit it brings into your life, and how it negatively impacts your life, and list them.

I REALLY HATE TRYING TO LEAVE A READABLE LENGTHY COMMENT ON XANGA, trying to get the spacing formatted right is truly messed, I am going to have to learn HTML just for that I am sure.

 

@bookographyreviews I was trying to leave this for you in the comments, but it didn't really work.

 

START OF EXCHANGE

HIM

As a rule people are NEVER the labels they assign to themselves. It is either - A) "This is how I wish to be perceived and since I secretly suspect I'm not, I feel compelled to announce that I am." B) "I want to be labeled as someone who labels himself these things.”

ME
I take issue with that statement, and the use of the word never. It is so definitive, as to innately be inaccurate for its very definiteness. It is true that people do label themselves, and it is true that most people aspire to embody the labels they project onto and subject themselves to. Some fall short, but to clearly state that ALL fall short, is an inaccuracy. At the very least, the struggle to embody these labels is something to be appreciated. Labeling one's self is a grey matter, it is neither good nor bad, for it can be used to both elevate and depreciate equally. I personally try to lead a life without a focus on labels, and even I find labels inescapable, because at the very least, someone is always labeling you; and the very nature of language and communication lends itself toward labels as a means to relate to others in any meaningful capacity toward being understood. Almost every word, and surely every noun, is a container for the image poured into it, is a label we use to relate to others.

You may claim exceptions to the rule apply in those special cases, but I don't find those cases all that special, perhaps it is just the quality of people I surround myself with, but I see a wide sample of humans, some display one or both of the two options you left available, some take a different approach.

Just saying.

HIM
I take issue with your statements, but I also take vicodin with bourbon. I'm pretty sure the two are unrelated, though. Most of your critique stems from the misperception that I am making value judgements, rather than an objective observation. People simply don't feel the need to announce what they take for granted about themselves. You don't dispute that people are frequently not their labels. As a matter of fact you confirm it. Your disagreement is just one of degree focusing on the word "never." Your other linguistic points regarding nouns, containers and the symbolic nature of language are true enough, but not particularly pertinent to a discussion of human motivation. That's a small matter, since such nitpicking is best left to the college-going types. The point is that when you label another person, or play into their self-labeling, you're relating to the label, not the person. That's not exactly "meaningful."

I make no value judgements here. Human nature is what it is, so that would be like making value judgements about gravity. Fact is, we create ourselves with our actions, not our words - and we neither reshape nor rectify the former with the latter. "If I say this about myself, then others will say it, and then it becomes true," is a means of dodging responsibility for the agency one has forfeited though inaction, or not particularly noble actions. I've nothing against self-labeling - being aware of the motivations behind it is an excellent means to manipulate people. Affirm what they say, and you can get everything from your way in a workplace disagreement to sex. Negate it and you throw someone into an obsessive bender of attempts to prove it. I like people who work hard on their containers and fight to stay in them.

ME
*Frowns after the third time typing a near complete statement out and having the computer turn off randomly*

Most of my critique does not stem from the faulty perception that you are making a “value judgment” Most of what I said was me going of on a tangent totally unrelated to the point I was trying to make, but related to the subject in some way. I do that sometimes, *Shrugs*

My point directed at you, was focused entirely on the usage of the word never, and the inaccuracy of its usage. The rest of that passage was for my own benefit, and the benefit of others if they decided to read it and take anything away from my own observations.

To reiterate, I do not disagree with most of your observations, I disagree that your observations are an accurate portrayal of reality, and only because you used the word Never, instead of the more accurate statement “are usually not”

I also disagree that my “other linguistic points regarding nouns, containers and the symbolic nature of language are true enough, but not particularly pertinent to a discussion of human motivation.” It is very pertinent to the discussion of human motivation, because while the “Fact is, we create ourselves with our actions, not our words” we do define ourselves, describe ourselves, relate to others, and connect to others with our words. When we try to define ourselves, for introspective personal benefit, or for external communicative benefits; the primary medium of choice is words, and both of those, Internal and External motivations, are human motivational factors that contribute to the desire to accept or seek out Labels, because words are Labels.

I agree however that, over attachment toward the Labels we choose to accept in our lives is a form of self induced slavery, because it promotes emotive reactionary behavior as you indicated, which can be used to manipulate or control the individual if understood correctly. That is true of any emotive reactionary behavior, any reactionary behavior in general really. A choice based reality is difficult for most to envision or accept, it conflicts with the experience they are currently identifying with, the idea that they could be experiencing reality differently if they chose to, is a foreign concept for those to whom it pertains.

END OF EXCHANGE

Although many have participated, only one person has captured the true spirit the Challenge was issued in.  For those interested in seeing an example of how the Challenge was meant to be taken click ----> HERE <----

I do truly appreciate any participation and promotion, but as it was taking me too long for my own, I decided to use Lovely as an example because she really did capture the spirit intended with the XANGA CHALLENGE: LABELS

Spiritual Dare

Via @Ancient_Scribe

I wouldn't have come across this though if it weren't for @quantumstorm recommending a post with someone doing this, I think he recommended a couple so far.  I figured, hey, I may not be christian but I can still answer the questions based on my own beliefs right?

 

What do you consider your first spiritual experience to be?

 

I was meditating, when my awareness of myself, became temporarily lost as it started to expand outward, like I connected with something vast and beyond comprehension, definitely not something that words do justice.

 

 

What is the most religious thing you’ve ever worn in public?

 

I have worn many religious things in public, but I think the most brazen was a what most people commonly associate as the Wiccan symbol of faith, the pentacle. A five pointed star with a circle around it, representing unity between the spirit and material, the four elements representing matter and the fifth element representing spirit. Unity between that which is spiritual and that which is physical, or it could be looked at as symbolic depiction of harmony between one's spiritual self, and ones physical body. Living a spiritual life. Read more about it here:http://symboldictionary.net/?p=1893 fairly brief, but any knowledge on the subject is better then no knowledge or misinformation. It has been used so often, by so many different faiths, one can generally give it personal importance outside of traditional meaning.

 

What is the kindest act you’ve ever done for someone?

 

I have done many acts of kindness, the most meaningful to me, was emptying my bank account which at the time, had 10k in it, so that someone I knew could get their child. They were living overseas at the time because of the military, a situation came up in which they needed the money to go stateside and perform all the legal necessities of getting their child back, I footed most of the bill for the entire venture, without my help, they could not have done it. But, I have always been generous towards those around me, and what little I can afford to give without it being detrimental to the house, I donate to various worthy causes. I am kinda spartan, all of my belongings can fit in the car right now, all of them. The largest and most expensive thing I own, or lay claim to, is my computer.

 

What is your favorite story from the Gospel or a religious movie?

 

I have seen many religious movies and documentaries, and have read or been told many stories from the Gospel. But I have never been overly enamored with Christianity, Judaism, or Islamic beliefs. So I am going to go with “What tнē #$*! D̄ө ωΣ (k)πow!? “ it might not be a religious movie Per se, but it is close enough.

 

 

 

Have you ever prayed with someone from a different religion?

 

I have performed prayer with Christians, Jews, Muslims, Wiccans, Pagans, Taoists, and New Thought, each while either being raised as such or while studying their respective beliefs.

 

 

Have you ever prayed in a public place?

 

I have performed my version of prayer (meditation) and the christian version of prayer, both in public, I have been known to just sit down on the ground and meditate where ever I am and have nothing else calling my attention.

 

 

Have you ever participated in a religious service other than your own?

 

I have participated in Catholic Mass, Southern Baptist, (well there are to many different christian churches I have attended to list all the traditions), Islam (not sure what tradition), Gardnerian Wicca, Eclectic Wicca, a few Jewish services. Those are just a listing of Official Religious Services, ie performed by a recognized group or church, of those religions. I have participated in many unofficial and self directed studies. I would love to find some offical asian services I could attend, in particular Taoist, Tantric, Buddhist, and Hindu.

 

Have you ever gone outside your spiritual comfort zone in order to move closer to God?

 

In general, I live outside of my comfort zone in most respects, especially spiritual. I have a profound sense of spirituality, and a connection to Divinity.

 

Are you in a good relationship with God right now?

 

My own sense of Divinity yes, the christian concept of God, no. I have been out of practice practice, but still living by my own tenets for the past 5 years, but I have been moving toward once again picking up my zeal for spiritual practices and studies.

 

What do think God’s wish is for you?

 

To Self Realize, that I am an aspect of Divinity, that we are all manifestations of Divinity, expressing itself, there is no right or wrong way, there is only the way that fits you most naturally, and becoming authentic toward yourself first and foremost, recognizing and living in accordance with your truest nature, is honoring the Divine Expression of life.

 

Whose desires come first in your life: yours or God's?

 

When I listen to the deepest and truest parts of myself, I hear Divinities Voice, and when I live in accordance with that, I am happy, and I tend to make those around me joyous as well. It is difficult at times, it is a work in progress, but isn't life? Sometimes, just finding the sense of balance and stillness needed to properly “Listen” to the Divinity within myself is difficult.

 

Do you struggle with selfishness? What helps you overcome this?

 

I do not, I give a lot of myself, my time, and my resources towards everyone around me. Sometimes I do think that I am not selfish enough, to tend toward my own needs as well as toward those around me. I bear burden easily, but I am learning balance in this aspect of life.

 

Do you struggle with false or empty relationships that distract you from your relationship with God? What relationships help you stay close to God?

 

Well, this is a very christian oriented question. Divinity and Life are intrinsically woven together for me, any relationship that is causing disharmony within myself, and leaving me feeling empty because of it, is distancing me from Divinity; and any relationship that feels genuinely fulfilling is bringing me closer, but I am sure what I find fulfilling, and what Christians find fulfilling are not always going to coincide.

 

When you pray, what is your image of God? What do you think of?

 

Energy, it is kinda really difficult to put into words, it is more of a experience oriented thing.

 

What is on your “spiritual bucket list?”

 

I would like to find a Tantric Teacher, and learn and experience more about Direct Realization Tantra. I would like to do the same for Buddhism and Taoism eventually as well. I would like to take up Tai Chi and Qi Gong, and actually practice some form of internal martial arts. I want to do a lot of things, I could go on and on and on and on here. *Smiles*

 

 

There are so many aspects to parenting, that it really could fill a book, I have read several of them that have influenced or shaped my own interactions with the children around me. I watch documentaries on emotional, physical, and intellectual development of children. I read books on the emotional, physical, and intellectual development of children. I evaluate the findings, by putting them into practice, paying attention to its effectiveness in leading toward the desired/intended results. I very much approach the idea of parenthood as one giant scientific study, where I am continually refining my knowledge and tools available, with the goal in mind of raising the children under my care, with the best approach towards cultivating their innate potential in all aspects of life. It is difficult when you are the only one thus concerned with seeking to improve your parenting skills though, and the other parent is still stuck in the archaic models that they were possibly raised by.

 

I could not use the methods I was raised with, my own childhood is not a model of good parenting. But under my own direction, I took the steps necessary to improve and fix myself, such that I did not, do not for the most part, suffer from the same side effects of poor parenting. It does speak to a certain reliance of the human nature to auto correct itself, but most people don't have the necessity that was present in my life, to auto correct. With out that sense of necessity, most people drift through life half broken, not even realizing it, because everything they do is “good enough”. Of course, most people wouldn't consider me to be the apex of society either, because of my amoral, results oriented, logical approach toward life. For one, I am not christian, I do not ascribe to many christian concepts of right and wrong, and I evaluate actions on their own merits independent of biased beliefs, meaning I maintain an open mind in all aspects of life. With 75 percent of the US population being christian, I am fairly certain that the majority of the people I come across would not agree with my view of and on life, or the more unconventional routes I have decided to take myself. But, as I am not trying to raise or cultivate the children under my care to be perfect replicas of myself, I don't view this to be a problem. In the end, the best I could hope for and wish, is that they have a sound mind and body, with which to engage life. I would want most, for them to develop critical thinking skills, so that they could arrive to their own conclusions, but aren't so self oriented that the advice and wisdom of others is automatically discounted without evaluation.

 

Toward this end, I decided long before I even had children, that I would learn how to raise them in such a way, that my desired intentions, were produced. Children that could think for themselves, children that did not blindly accept authority, but instead had a willingness to question tradition, receive the data, and decide how best to use it in their own lives. Out of the box, unconventional thinkers, not robotic automatons, regurgitating what ever has been impressed upon them. Highly intelligent and self recognized individuals, who are not so caught up in their individuality, as to unwittingly become part of the herd again, just out of a desire to be different. There is a balance that must be struck, where it becomes ok to be both conventional and unconventional because that happens to be what you are most in accordance with, and not out of some sense of identity with labels. Its ok to be different, it is ok to be in accordance with that which is mainstream, as long as you are authentic with yourself first and foremost. Disciplined, Authentic, Intelligent, Artistic, Creative, Individuals.

 

That was the original driving force, how to inspire that person to come into being. All the values I admire, with none of the dogma, how does a person raise a child without polluting them at the same time. This was all before I even became a parent. I recognized quite early that the way my mother and father raised me, were not optimal, especially toward the human being cultivated above. So I decided to teach myself, how to be and become a good effective parent. The effective part plays particular emphasis here. I am not going to claim that I have perfected the art of parenting, as I have stated, I am in a continual state of honing, re-evaluating, and refining; that in and of itself speaks to a lack of perfection, but in my desire to be and become effective I leave myself open minded in my approach. I allow myself the ability to see if my approach is producing the intended results, and if it is not, I allow myself to change my approach such that it is. Rigid adherence to an approach, because it is either the only thing one knows, or because of beliefs in the process over the results, is detrimental to the cause. You can be the most well intentioned person in the world, but if your process is not yielding the intended results, then perhaps it is time for change. The desire for effectiveness and the willingness to admit when you are not as such, and then taking the steps to correct that deficiency, will take you far in all aspects of life, not just parenthood.

 

I do not think that I will go in depth as to how I actually parent. As I have said, I am not perfect, and it would take a book or many books to go into the many various nuances I have come to understand as the best method for myself, and it is in a continual state of flux, as I further expand my knowledge on the subject. Find the method that works best for you, and that yields your own intended results. I don't think that the my intended results are the best, but they are the values that I hold most dear to myself, and thus are the values I wish to cultivate in those around me, if they are open and receptive.

 

May peace favor you and your life be filled with joy.

 

Life: So, my Ex's Lover was asked to watch two dogs, one pit-bull, and one german shepherd; by extension, I was asked to help because he has work at night, and tends to disappear at random.  Yesterday, he went to the court house because of a speeding ticket.  While he was gone, the dogs were digging under the fence.  I found out and tried to repair it, in some make shift way, so that they could not escape.  I thought that placing some large obstacle in the hole, would serve to discourage them from trying to dig in the same spot, until some more permanent solution could be found; also allowing me to tend the children.  While doing this however, I stepped on a rusty nail that was protruding from a board on the ground.  I did not see it because of the large object I was carrying.  It went through my sandal and punctured my left foot.  *Frowns*  Initially, it was just minor localized pain, and slight swelling.  I figured I would just clean the area and apply Neosporin, which is what I did.  Only, the dogs decided that they didn't care about the object I placed in their hole, and between the three of them (My own dog probably helped) they moved the object and escaped the yard.  Fortunately, my Ex's Lover was able to get home just in time to see them escaping.  I proceeded to try to help finding the dogs, but with my injury, I was limping at a pace that was not conducive for the search, aggravating the injury, and possibly causing it to swell more then needed.  The pain levels and swelling started to increase, so I called the Nurse Advice line, and they advised that I go to the emergency room.  I called my Ex and told her what the nurses told me, that I should be seen in the next two hours, but because of her job I wasn't expecting her to be able to take me.  I was right, 3 hours later, the dogs found another way out of the yard, they chewed right through the gate.  This time I didn't have my Ex's Lover around to help, I don't know where he went, but he wasn't home, which is rather typical.  I tried my best, but the pit-bull was not recovered, and my pain levels and swelling reached incapacitating highs.  I decided to text my Ex again, telling her that I kinda needed to get to the ER because it was becoming bad.  Turns out, that she could have picked me up earlier, because she was already at the ER waiting with someone, but because she thought it wasn't pressing at the time, she decided not to force the issue to come pick me up.

I spent 4 hours in the ER mostly waiting, and I think being forgotten about.  *Smiles*  My room was cold, I don't know why they have it so cold in there, but I actually had to ask for a blanket because it was that cold.  I did get my Tetanus booster though, and some antibiotics for the most common illness associated with stepping on a rusty nail with shoes on.  I could wish that it didn't take so long, but I was able to keep myself entertained daydreaming.  My Ex also checked herself in for her lower back pain, and was issued Valium.  So she was kinda loopy while we picked up our Meds at the Pharmacy. I know she loves me, and she wants to work this out, but it is just not going to happen.  Like usual, during the course of our conversation, she got angry and started verbally fighting with me, during the car ride back.  Perhaps Nagging would be a more apt word then fighting, as it takes two to fight, and most of the time, when I see it heading that direction I disengage from the conversation recognizing that nothing constructive will come out of it, because her mind set is fixed and closed minded.  Strange thing is, it is over stuff that no longer holds importance, because we are no longer in a committed relationship with each other, we still have sex, but the expectations that are present in the Marriage, are no longer present because we are separated.  It is because she can't let go of me, and view us as no longer married (I know the divorce isn't court ordered yet so technically we still are) that she has such difficulties.  When she is viewing me as a friend, when she is viewing me as not her spouse, and so, no longer held by the same expectations she used to hold towards me; she isn't intolerable to be around, I still dislike her overall personality, and many of her immature and irresponsible actions, but because I view us as separated now, I no longer need those aspects to change for my own happiness, I am free to work towards building my own independence so I can remove myself from the situation, and only experience the best she has to offer, and allow her to be who she is with out the need for her to change for the improvement of my own day to day affairs and life.

Anyway, at least all the prep work for Thanksgiving still was accomplished.  Even with my injury getting worse (Like the Docs said it would, tomorrow it is supposed to go down, and I go back for Re evaluation of the wound), I still spent a couple hours in the kitchen helping to make Thanksgiving Dinner, I am thankful that my Mother had decided to make most of it herself, very thankful for that now, more so than before.  She has her own In-Law appt., mostly because she decided to come live with me, so she could get her financial assets in order, she was and still is technically, drowning in debt.  It is nice to have people around you can trust to come through for you in tight situations.  I think she was dis-enamored with Thanksgiving this year though, the illusion of how she wanted it to come together, didn't quite clash with reality.  The family cohesion just wasn't there, the food was good, but we ate at different times, and disjointed from one another.  No family and friends sitting around a table, laughing, having a good time, sharing stories of the past, and sharing what they are thankful for.  Instead, we ate spread out around the house, half watching TV, the other half on their computers, or going back to their own private house to eat an intimate meal together.  *Smiles*  The only thing traditional about this Thanksgiving, was the bounty and type of food.

That is the great thing about being a person free of expectations, when things don't turn out to be exactly as you expect them to be, you can still be ok, or even better than ok.  I am content with life right now, and I was not disappointed over the lack of connectedness that I feel should be present in Thanksgiving.  It saddens me only a little, because it reflects a much greater, systemic, disconnect present in this house.  These people are buried in whatever allows them to best escape, distract, or disengage from.... life.  Do not get me wrong, I am not harping on the horrors of video games and TV, or of mass media.  But when the priority in your life, is to come home and unwind from a day you let stress you out, by watching endless hours of one tv show or another on your computer, with your headphones on; and, every time one of your children comes up and interrupts your TV time, you get frustrated until you eventually send them to their room, or to go watch tv, anything to leave you alone; the priories are slightly skewed there, *Grins*  Even if my Ex's Lover is hardly here, at least he is going out to experience life, even if it is just another form of escape for him, so that he doesn't have to sit to long, alone, with himself.  I no longer feel suffocated by the lack of connection present in this house, because I am working on, and toward my freedom.  It isn't like I haven't tried, many, numerous times, to pull these people out of themselves.  With the financial irresponsibility present in this house, coming up with the funds to go out and enjoy ourselves with out fear of being lacking in some other crucial aspect of life, is rather difficult.  Oh well, *Smiles*  I guess this post is part life, part reflections and ramblings.  I still do what I can, even with the meger funds to at least spend some time with the children, so they have one parent there for them.  It is going to be tough on them, when I leave, but I will still strive my best to maintain a presence in their life, but I really do need to focus on my own.  If my wife didn't value family so much, even if she isn't particularly good at its practice, I would take them with me.  But I am not willing to fight for them, there is no need to add that burden, and they will be fine, no more dysfunctional them my own childhood, and I grew up just fine.  I will mitigate from afar, but I am not going to let the expectation that I need to live my life for my children, become my identity.  I see my Ex's Lover, who left his own marriage with children involved, and his Ex uses the child as leverage, to squeeze the very life out of his eyes at times; but his upbringing, and the weight of duty and obligation towards his child, has him trapped, and even though he left because of the damage she was doing to him, the discontent she was bringing into his life, he is allowing her to continue the abuse, continue to depress and anger him.  I will not make that mistake, first off, I am very much a tough love person; it might sound cruel, but if when I leave, she continues with the financial irresponsibility and decides to leave her job, I will offer no more then what the courts make me, even if it leads to my own children starving on the streets, without a home.  My sense of duty and obligation vanished the moment I said I wanted a Divorce, I don't say or do things lightly, and it took me 6 years to finally figure out I just couldn't make it work.  I allowed myself to become suicidal before I recognized that I needed to get out, for my own sanity, and my own health and life.  The sense of hopelessness was just that thick.  Back to what I was saying, I will see the good it will be for them, to have that experience, and carry a frame of reference around, a point that they can look to and say, truly and honestly, at least it could be worse.  The trick will be teaching them to view it as such, so that they can take inspiration and strength from even the darkest periods of their life.  A crash course in growing up, especially for my Ex. I don't wish poverty on her, but I want her very much to wise up, and start making better decisions.

May peace favor you my friends,

Oh yeah, and Happy Turkey day to the my fellow Xangans @quantumstorm @myhomeiswriting @liquidityofself @somewhatabstractelf @endlessdepths @sasgal and @zeal4living; and to those people I know in real life who happen to read this.

I hope your own Holidays (assuming you celebrated) brought you joy and or happiness/contentment.

"Audio file coming upon future edit:"

The winds of change are on the air, and the currents of life are shifting.  I will be starting my blog anew, to better reflect my current disposition and thoughts, I will also try to actually use it as a journal, not just to record my thoughts and reflections on life, but also to just keep track of life and its passing, that way I am writing something everyday, even if it isn't overly interesting.  *Smiles*

I have firmly set my course now, me and my wife are getting a divorce.  Those that took the time to read The Monster might be clued in on the intensity of feelings I have associated with her, and this marriage.  In the end, I started this relationship on the wrong foundation, and what I need in terms of equality and partnership, I now recognize that she is incapable of giving me, and though she may well get to where I need her to be eventually, I can't wait the 15 years it may very well take, and remain in the relationship.  The intensity of things is too much, way to much, hurt and pain, associated here.

So now that I have firmly set my course, I need to get back on my feet.  It is kinda hard to do when you have allowed your life to become the marriage, and your every waking moment was spent tending toward the other person's happiness in the end, and the sad irony of it, is that the tending meant next to nothing to them, so used were they at the expectation of it all, that they were blind to its inherent importance.  We just are to different, and express our selves so different, that the feeling of importance, and how much the other person means, just didn't translate, and the way she wants me to translate her importance to me, just isn't going to work anymore.  So, we agreed to end things, on amicable terms.  I hope it stays that way, but I fear she still may have to much expectation to retain her sense of peace.

I need to look to me now though, and figure out the direction and foundation of my own accordance.  Let things fall as they may, and I will pick up the pieces and rebuild.  I have always been good at constructing life, as if I was a master artisan, and this experiencing thing my medium.  The only piece I am able to play is my own, I can't play all the pieces on this board, as much as I might wish to at times.  Time to play the game again, to move my own piece again, and not have fumbling hands move it for me.  I really wish her the best, but like a butterfly struggling to get free of its cocoon  if you help free it, the wings just won't develop, and it won't be able to fly.  Some people just need to struggle needlessly.  I hope she is able to swim when she is thrown into the lake, but I won't reach out my hand to grab her, she needs it to much, to experience that drowning, to gain some perspective.  Life isn't easy, life can be enjoyable, but it isn't easy, and hard choices have to be made.  Like the choice, no matter how many times you get hurt or fail at something, always throw yourself into with zeal.  Who cares if this game of life is set to difficult, or impossible even, it is time to play the game and not time to keep throwing the controller across the room in frustration.  Play the game, and get better at it, learn to enjoy the difficulties, let the difficulty itself be enjoyable for the challenge of it.  Play the game my friends.

My wife tries to overprotect herself out of fear of being hurt, and it seems like she slowly is set toward the path of burning everyone that comes into her life, right out of it, over one slight or another.  So they can't do it again.  She is just too judgmental, and easily offended, I thought those were things I could help her get over, you know, lead by example.  *Smiles*  But, I am seeing now, that my reasons for being with her were wrong, they were the wrong reasons to start a relationship.  I thought she needed to heal, I thought that when she healed, she would be able to see life like I do.  I wanted her to get over her fears, but I see now, more clearly then before, that I don't need that.  She is fine just the way she is, it is her life after all, her choice to express it how she chooses, I let her have the control in the relationship in the first place, and I think that was a mistake.  No, the mistake was joining the relationship, based on the potential of what she could be.  I thought that the healing process would bring us closer together, and it did, it inspired such devotion in me, such great heights of love, and compassion, but the feeling has transmuted now, and I am used up and burnt out.  I will not make the same mistake in the future.  It is always OK to offer others advice, and to wish for their well-being, but you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where you satisfaction in life is dependent on them learning it.

She holds her her own piece, she always has, I never took that from her, like she did me.  I hope she learns how to play the game, and enjoy it.  She holds back, to hesitant to move, for fear of making a mistake, for fear of getting hurt, for fear of....

I leave you with one of my favorite songs.

 

Incubus - Drive

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear 
Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal
But lately I am beginning to find 
That I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

So if I decide to waiver my chance 
To be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine 
And hold my own and drive?

It's driven me before 
And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around
But lately I am beginning to find 
That when I drive myself my light is found

So whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, yeh

Whatever tomorrow brings
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine
Hold the wheel and drive?